In case you missed it, click on the link to read part 1
As mentioned in the first article, Mark Gungor illustrates what ruins the best possible sex by using profane erotica as an example.
He explained that one of the ways profane erotic interferes with the best possible sex is that it causes us to not only think of other people, but also can lead to a dependency where we can’t make love to our spouse unless we have a fresh person to fantasize about.
After explaining how profane erotica takes away our focus on our spouse, to demonstrate how this interferes with a wife being turned on, Mark Gungor asked for audience participation. He asked for the women in the audience to raise their hands if they find it a turn-on to know their husband is thinking about another woman while making love to her.
Not one raised their hand.
He then asked for a show of hands of those women who find it a turn-on if their husband is focused on and paying attention to them while making love.
All raised their hands.
This led him to conclude that profane erotica does not lead to the best possible sex.[i]
Rabbi Shmuley Boteach concurs with this insight in his seminar, “Kosher Sex”, by speaking about what we lose by a focus on pornography:
“Do you know that 84% of American husbands admit to regularly thinking of other women while making love to their wives? Here you are, flesh pressed against flesh, the closest physical proximity you can be with the woman that you love, and in your brain, you’re doing a guest appearance on ‘Baywatch’…Nakedness implies the ability to get emotionally naked, to build up the whole day to be so raw that sex becomes the culmination of an erotic emotional journey, rather than the destination of two vacuous and empty bodies.”[ii]
Porn Actresses Won’t Even Do It
Relationship and lovemaking etiquette isn’t the only reason profane erotica doesn’t lead to the best possible sex.
The film’s images and vocals are edited in such a way as to convince the viewer that what is being viewed is pleasurable to the participants. For many profane films produced, nothing they produce could be farther from the truth, but since our inexperience or subconscious can’t tell the difference, we can be influenced to experiment on what we’ve seen – even though the act may be awkward, uncomfortable, or even painful.
Should our spouse not find it pleasurable, it can lead both spouses to worry that something is wrong with them. This can cause couples to become disillusioned, embarrassed and even shy away from each other sexually.
In an interview with several profane erotica actresses, many claimed that what they do is “fake sex” and would never do any of these in their own real-life lovemaking. Here are quotes from several prominent porn actresses below:[iii]
“Sex on camera is uncomfortable and many times painful. I’m very boring when I have sex in real life…”
“Our sex life at home is very different than in the movies…I get really weird and say ‘We’re not shooting a porno, let’s just enjoy it…”
“When my husband and I have sex, he asks if [he] can turn on porn…Porn irritates me.”
“I don’t consider having sex on film as ‘having sex’”
“Girls shouldn’t get into this industry. A lot of them are beautiful girls; they just made the wrong decision. They regret it…a lot of them.”
If a porn actress would admit the sex in these films is awful, how could profane erotica lead to the best possible sex?
Instead, it would promise pleasure, but in the end pushes a couple apart instead.
The Spiritual Divide
Let us not forget the spiritual aspect of obtaining the best possible sex.
Let us not forget the spiritual aspect of obtaining the best
In my previous series, “Wendy Watson-Nelson’s Four Tips forGreat Marriage – Commentary”, we discussed how Sis. Nelson shared how important
it is to ensure the Holy Ghost is present when making love. We need to do this
to be able to experience the full symphony that sexual intimacy in marriage has
to offer us.
Without the Holy Ghost, sex can happen, sex can even be good, but we cannot experience the best possible sex. Surely, a loss of the Spirit, even a pricking of the Spirit telling us that what is being done or viewed is wrong; prevents a man or woman from being fully turned on, therefore negating the full experience.
To have the best possible sex, the peaceful feelings of the Holy Ghost must be able to flow freely and unrestrained before and after we have sex.
Elder Dallin H. Oaks explains that the use of profane erotica not only keeps out the Holy Ghost, but also robs us of being worthy to have Him with us.
“The immediate spiritual consequences of such hypocrisy are devastating. Those who seek out and use pornography forfeit the power of their priesthood. The Lord declares: “When we undertake to cover our sins, … behold, the heavens withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved; and when it is withdrawn, Amen to the priesthood or the authority of that man [or woman]” (D&C 121:37).We can choose to go beyond the point of feeling those spiritual directives to change, or we can seek out repentance. The Atonement of Jesus Christ is still available to all in this circumstance.
Patrons of pornography…lose the companionship of the Spirit. Pornography produces fantasies that destroy spirituality.”[iv]
As a husband or wife or both, we can repent and again be worthy to have the Holy Ghost with us. My hope is that everyone will want not just the best possible sex, but also the full symphony of marital intimacy, not just the strains of a solo violin. A violin is pleasant, but if that’s all we ever get, we’re missing out.
Next time join me as I discuss how anger robs us of the best possible sex.
[i] Gungor, Mark, Laugh Your Way To A Better Marriage, (DVD) Crown Comedy, 2009
[ii] Boteach, Rabbi Schmuley. Kosher Sex. Fisher Brothers Media. 2006
[iii] Quotes from Aidea, Shaw, Seinfeld, Tara, Lynn, Gina, et al. Sanders, Timothy Greenfield. Thinking XXX. HBO Studios. 13 Jun 2006.
[iv] Oaks, Dallin H., Pornography, Gen. Conf. Apr. 2005, https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2005/04/pornography?lang=eng