Few people would be surprised to find that anger breaks the pattern to the best possible sex, but for some of us it may not feel “normal” unless anger is involved. Perhaps you take your anger out through sex with your spouse. If this doesn’t turn your spouse on, the formula for the best possible sex is broken.
Anger creeps into our lives very easily for most of us. We don’t want to be taken advantage of, or we may have struggled through a day filled with an abusive boss.
Our parents may have been angry people, and that is our default emotional setting to any given situation.
Some of us may have obsessive compulsive tendencies, and when things aren’t done just so it irritates every nerve in our body.
Perhaps we’ve been abused before, and fear having someone take advantage of us again.
Anger can be a sign of a lack of trust, but chances are, no one is more on your side than the Lord and your spouse. If we’re deliberately getting angry with our spouse because it gives us habitual pleasure or emotional payoff, then repentance and counseling should be sought for this type of marital sadism.
If you want the best possible sex, that needs to stop today.
Intellectually, we in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints well understand the spiritual consequences of anger. Anger even causes the loss of our rights to the priesthood. Gone. Kaput![i] Which, consequently, also results in a loss of the best possible sex. If you lose your priesthood, you lose your right for the Holy Spirit of Promise to seal to your spouse, which could mean the loss of the best possible sex for all eternity.[ii]
It’s just not worth indulging our anger. The eternal consequences of indulgence are sobering.
What I want to focus on here is, if we struggle with anger, how to come back from that.
Anger is too deep a construct to go into the depth I’d like to here. Some of the causes of anger can be the result of depression, bottled up feelings that explode, or fear of showing emotion or sharing feelings, or even hunger and fatigue.
Be mindful here that just because there’s conflict doesn’t mean there has to be contention and anger. If there’s no conflict in a long-term relationship, there’s no intimacy either, and the couple is interacting only on a very shallow level. Deep intimacy and the best possible sex comes when a couple work toward and overcome a conflict together.
So how do we keep anger and contention out of our conversation when we have a conflict?
For that, I recommend two books for further study – The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by John M. Gottman, and The Sex-Starved Marriage, by Michele Weiner-Davis.
The principles and tools there are too big for me to do them justice here, but they both are a very easy read, and very useful.
Join us next time as we address unkind words or actions.