marriage bed symbol

marriage bed symbol

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Husbands Notice Other Women For A Good Reason



Should a wife be offended if her husband notices another woman is attractive?

To defeat an enemy, we have to understand and know the enemy. Sometimes this may mean a husband knowing the enemy even better than he knows himself. Moroni in the Book of Mormon, and Joshua in the Old Testament, used spies to gain information about the movements of the enemy and plan a strategy for success.[i]

I hope that I can be a spy for my readers in the battle of good and evil in this regard, to help your marriages succeed eternally by defeating the enemy of our souls and eternal marriages.

Yes, men notice women, even when the most faithful of men are married . To understand why men do this, we have to take a closer look at the differences between women’s and men’s genetic and biological make-up. Although women are not immune from their procreative powers start tingling when it senses a good genetic match passing by.

Women have a limited number of eggs for reproduction within her lifetime.[ii] In addition, through natural biological processes, she loses them rapidly. For this reason, she is bodily inclined to be selective about who she chooses as a mate. She is also generally inclined to bond to and stay faithful to one man her whole life. However, even this has its own set of rules that can create exceptions to the rule. For example, cultural upbringing and exposure can also make a woman override these feelings according to the norms of her particular ethnic group.

In contrast, men produce billions of sperm in their lifetime and can father children until the day they die. According to Dr. Helen Fisher[iii], ancestrally, men were never inclined to be monogamous. For this reason, men are genetically and biologically inclined to reproduce with as many females as possible. Just as cultural exposure and training can change how a woman responds, a man can also learn to override these natural impulses and live a monogamous life if he chooses.

The prevalent cultural belief that, a man only loves one woman his whole life and if he doesn’t, he never truly loved her…is romantic nonsense.

It comes from the idea that men share the same natural inclinations as women. Stereotypically, this idea can be found in romance novels. Many of these novels are written by women, who project their own female perspectives to create their idea of the “perfect man”. This “perfect man” can sometimes seem more like a woman in how he thinks and responds than does an actual man. If a woman chooses to indulge in romance stories, it would benefit her to understand that this dynamic exists, and be careful not to compare actual men to fictional characters.

Men can also get caught in this problematic assumption, when he thinks a woman shares the same sex drives and desires as he does. In most cases, she does not, and popular stories or films designed to appeal to men can exacerbate this perception by portraying women that respond to sexual stimuli the same way he would, have the same sex drive he does, have the same focused goal oriented drive he does, and respond to a males advances in the way he would wish.

Both of these entertainments only lead to frustration when faced with a “real” person of the opposite sex and witness them respond as they are each biologically and spiritually designed to.

So what is the truth?

From the tips of our toes to the hair on our head, our bodies are organic reproduction machines. Our sexuality and sexual drives are not isolated to just our genitals. Our brain and all of our nerves and organs work in unison to push us to find and select a mate.

This includes our eyes. When a man “sees” a woman, before he can even consciously think about it, the image is sent immediately to the limbic system in his brain.

Here the image is processed, to begin determining whether or not that female would be good to reproduce with. In addition, this same limbic system gives him a shot of reward chemicals to keep him looking.

According to a study performed by Dr. Vladas Griskevicious, when a man sees an attractive woman, it takes an average of 3.2 seconds for that image to pass through the limbic system of the brain and be processed by the higher decision-making part of the brain.[iv]

From there, he has to consciously decide each and every time if he will or won’t follow through on the reproduction prompting given by his limbic brain.

This means that he has to consciously choose to abandon the thought of going after that woman and to stay faithful to his wife. This is a constant struggle for most men their whole lives.

This is another reason we are stressed to stay away from profane erotic videos and images. These are designed to appeal to the natural inclinations of men to constantly find a new mate and spread his DNA (Fisher, 2009) Staying away from “profane” erotica helps him stay focused on you – his “sacred” erotica.[v]

How should a wife best respond when she sees her husband’s eyes wander?

Be honest with him if this hurts your feelings, but also keep in mind that we are bombarded with many such thoughts every day, and men tend to be more sensitive to sexual stimuli around them than women are, due to their higher levels of testosterone.

Encourage him to talk about the temptations he’s experiencing. It helps to release the temptation, and make it easier to bear, when spouses bear it together. It’s no secret that when we bring dark things into the light, they lose their power.

Most of all, when you see him notice another woman, count four seconds. This is how long his initial instincts take to get to the executive or decision making part of his brain. When his decision-making part of his brain kicks in, does he come back to you after that? If he does, congratulate him for making good decisions. Know in your heart that he still chooses you every day.

What could be more romantic than that?

How can a husband respond when he finds himself with wandering eyes and heart?

Don’t be too hard on yourself. Temptations enter our minds all the time, but temptation should not be entertained for long.[vi]  If your wife is able, share what you’re feeling. Don’t try to hide it. Honesty will help her trust that you’re going to stick around.

When you experience a temptation, go out of your way to show some extra love to your wife. What is her love language? [vii] If you know what her love language is, do something that makes her feel particularly loved and cared for. If you don’t know, hit them all until something works.

Make sure you’re still dating each other every week, even when you don’t feel like it. Building those memories will strengthen you both against temptations. Being married is no guarantee against temptation by itself. You must still woo and win your wife, even after the ceremony, if you want love to last.

Continuing to deliberately put energy into your marriage instead of dissipating your emotional energy with many strangers will pay off in great dividends, and help temptations to lessen somewhat over time.


“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it” Eph. 5:25



[i] Joshua 2:1; Alma 43:28
[ii] Warner, Jennifer (2004), Animal Study Shows Mammals Have a Reserve of Egg-Producing Follicles. Reviewed by Brunilda Nazario, MD, http://www.webmd.com/infertility-and-reproduction/news/20040310/women-not-born-lifetime-eggs

[iii] Andreae, Simon, Younger, James, Winslow, Susan, The Science of sex Appeal (2009), Production company The Incubator, Distributed by The Discovery Channel (2008)
[iv] Production Company: The Incubator; Distributor: The Discovery Channel, The Science of Lust (2011)
[v] Zaragoza, Samuel, Mormon’s Take Pleasure In Sacred Erotica, http://ldsmarriagebed.blogspot.com/2013/09/mormons-take-pleasure-in-sacred-erotica.html

[vi]  Maxwell, Neal A. (April 1987), Overcome, Even As I Also Overcame.
[vii] Chapman, Gary D., The Five Love Languages, Northfield Publishing; Reprint edition (January 1, 2015)

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Sex Toys In The LDS Marriage Conclusion

 WARNING: This post contains a topic of a sacred sexual nature and is intended for married couples only. Reader discretion is advised.

 Click here in case you missed part [1], [2], [3] ,[4], [5], [6], [7] , [8], [9] and [10]


I don’t know how to use or handle sex toys safely.

This is another valid point. There are many different kinds to choose from, depending on what stimulation you’d like to try.

Don’t be afraid to try different kinds that look interesting to you. Some general safety guidelines concerning sex toys could be the following:

  • Make sure you clean them after each use.

  • Many toys are porous, which means they hold some body material after use. Toys that are used in the vaginal area should not be used in the anal area, because germs from the rectum and colon can stay on the toy, and then be introduced into the vaginal area allowing harmful bacteria the chance to overwhelm and cause irreversible damage to the female reproductive system. This potentially can even lead to bacterial scarring of the fallopian tubes which can lead to sterility. This is a major word of wisdom issue. Either keep vaginal and  toys used in the rectum separate from each other, or use a condom on the toy when it’s being used in the anal area, to help keep things clean. 

Some of these marital intimacy aids are expensive. Here are some tips I found for keeping your intimate equipment properly cared for.

- Silicone toys: wash with soapy water. These clean easily. 

-Hard plastic toys: Don't get battery cases wet. If it has seames and grooves, use soapy water and a    toothbrush when cleaning.

 -Hard rubber toys:Use a cloth and soapy water to clean. You can use alcohol to sterilize, but do not use bleach.

- Cyberskin toys, you must use a condom on them. These are very porous and expensive. Even after use with a condom, wash them with light soapy solution (dish soap is fine), pat them dry and (only after you are sure they are completely dry) dust them with corn starch - don't put baby powder on them.

-On waterproof sex toys, be sure to check the "O" ring gasket on the battery compartment periodically and replace if necessary. You may be able to find replacements at your local hardware store. 

-Ben Wa Balls: Great for strengthening your kegel/PC muscles, but still need to be kept clean. These can just be washed with soapy water and pat or air dry.

- Silicone toys: These can be boiled to clean and sterilize. You can also wash them in your dishwasher.

For easiest cleanup and protection of you and your spouse, I highly recommend covering your sex toys with condoms during each use. This is not an endorsement, but most times you can get a handful of condoms for free in the lobby of planned parenthood. So don't think you have to spend a fortune on condoms.

  • Sex toys can attract young children and their natural curiosity can get them in trouble – if you’re going to keep sex toys in the house, keep them locked up or in another discreet hiding place.

  • As your kids get older, it’s all right to talk to your kids and let them know you have such devices in the house, and to tell them to keep away. Parents should periodically talk to their children about such topics, to help alleviate their curiosity and inform them about their own sexuality and the proper time and place to express those God-given feelings. Help them see sexuality as something not only sacred, but something to look forward to in marriage.

***
When it comes to sexuality in marriage, we need to be sure we’re basing beliefs on the true doctrines of the gospel, and not the wider worldly cultural beliefs that too often try to infiltrate and twist our lives and beliefs.

The Lord wants us to be happy together in marriage – not miserable, not living a half-life of no feeling or desire, and not living separately as roommates. While you’re taking steps toward becoming ‘one flesh’[i], consider if sex toys could be part of that exploration for your specific marriage.


[i] Genesis 2:24

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Sex Toys In The LDS Marriage Part 10 of 11

 WARNING: This post contains a topic of a sacred sexual nature and is intended for married couples only. Reader discretion is advised.
 
 Click here in case you missed part [1], [2], [3] ,[4], [5], [6], [7] , [8] and [9]

 I don’t feel safe buying a sex toy – I don’t want to go to an adult store and have someone see me, or get profane ads in the mail, or be exposed to unwanted profane images or materials online.

This is a valid concern, but there are a number of more discreet boutiques online now, that are at least Christian in nature, where a couple can investigate different toys and buy one without encountering profane pictures or materials. 

Simply Sweet Marriage (http://www.simplysweetmarriage.com/) is a good example of a place to start. A great feature about this website is (in addition to no profane images) they give a description of each marital intimacy aid, what it's for, and how it would be used. 
Or you can Google ‘Christian sex toys’ and find a wide variety of websites to safely peruse such as Covenant Spice,and The Pure Bed.

Even Amazon has sex toys available if you have your eye on one and want to see if you can get it cheaper. If you indicate to the buyer during the order that you want no sales flyers or advertising for additional products under any circumstances, you should have no trouble. 

I realize it's a big concern for parents to order something of a sexual nature on line only to have their children surprised later by flyers of a sexual nature arriving in the mail.  It’s in the vendor's best interest to honor their customers’ requests. They know that if they do not, customers will not buy from them again. If they do send mailings, be sure to let others know  in your online review. 

 The church however discourages patronizing these brick and mortar establishments and for good reason. To patronize these places would be supporting the profane erotic industry. I have found that many of these places have also been lax is allowing minors into their stores. 

“Avoid places where pornography is believed to exist.” A Church-produced pamphlet, How Can I Help in the Fight Against Pornography? (stock no. PXPC3751)

Should you as a couple decide to exercise your agency to visit a sex toy shop, pay cash. The store will use your credit card information or personal check information to mail you flyers or sell your address so other vendors can mail you sexual aid flyers. Also, be aware that these places are wall to wall images of profane nude images and many have a monitor up showing profane erotic films.

If your situation has a particular need or if you want a second opinion on a particular marital aid, or you would like help with recommendations, feel free to contact me personally by email, or instant message me on the LDS Marriage Bed Facebook page. Those conversations are kept confidential to protect the sanctity of your marital intimacy.