marriage bed symbol

marriage bed symbol

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Sex Toys In The LDS Marriage Part 9 of 11

 WARNING: This post contains a topic of a sacred sexual nature and is intended for married couples only. Reader discretion is advised.
 Click here in case you missed part [1], [2], [3] ,[4], [5], [6], [7] or [8]

My bishop (or other Church member/leader) has said that using sex toys will make us unworthy to enter the temple.

If a single person uses a vibrator to achieve an orgasm, that person needs to repent and regain their worthiness before the Lord. In addition to being a prurient breaking of the law of chastity, solo masturbation or masturbating when single is a habit that has been shown to have detrimental side effects to your marriage.

When a married person uses a toy or another sexual aid primarily instead of going to their spouse for sexual intimacy, this can create resentment and therefore does the opposite of what sex was intended for - to bring you closer together.

While the use of sex toys is not sinful in marriage by themselves, sex toys (like any other sexual practice or technique) can be used in a wrongful manner, including to hurt or damage our spouse’s body.

If we are forcing, guilting, or coercing our spouse into using sex toys when they would prefer not to, we can and should repent. Repentance means adjusting your approach, making restitution with yourself and your spouse and the Lord, and, if necessary, moving on. Don’t sweat it. Learning what works and what doesn’t sexually in your marriage is part of the game (and the fun, when you do find something that works for the both of you.)

If you bring a sexual concern about using sex toys to your Church leader, that leader is in all likelihood going to tell you to stop and not use them. It's important to understand what that counsel means, though. 

If the use of sex toys is in some way driving a couple apart instead of bringing them closer, then that couple needs to stop using sex toys (at least temporarily) until they’ve discovered the true source of their challenges and worked through it. 

It doesn't mean they should never use sex toys. It doesn't mean that no one should ever use sex toys. 

It means they should resolve any underlying concerns and issues that are keeping them from using them, if they're able. Until then, they should not use them.

For more thoughts on church leaders’ advice regarding married sexuality, see my blog entitled “Is the Bishop In Your Bedroom”[i].



Anonymous said...

The General Authorities have been very clear that sexually stimulating yourself ('self abuse' as they usually refer to it) is wrong. They don't say put that off till your married, they say it is a violation of the Lord's moral standards. SWK counseled as prophet for all saints to abandon the practice. All means all, married or single. Abandon means give it up for good. The same advice was given in an address by another GA published a year or so ago in the Ensign. The current handbook1 lists self abuse as a violation of church standards that doesn't automatically require church discipline. Pornography usage and breaking the word of wisdom are in the same list.

Given what the GA's have said on multiple occasions, in Gen Conf and other, and put in the handbook and also various lesson manuals, I would say it is pretty clear that using a sex toy to stimulate themselves counts as self abuse for anybody, and it is wrong. If married, their spouse providing the sexual stimulation. I don't see using a sex toy to stimulate your spouse as being self abuse however.

Katie P said...

Just as General Authorities leave it to the individual married couples to determine when they'll have children, despite giving advice that those who can, should; so General Authorities stay out of members' bedrooms, excepting where pornography is involved, leaving us to do those things we're both comfortable with, that aren't demeaning or belittling to either party.

Excellent series of articles, by the way.

CoachSam said...

Thanks Katie! And thank you for reading my articles. :-)