marriage bed symbol

marriage bed symbol

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Sex Toys In The LDS Marriage Part 9 of 11

 WARNING: This post contains a topic of a sacred sexual nature and is intended for married couples only. Reader discretion is advised.
 
 Click here in case you missed part [1], [2], [3] ,[4], [5], [6], [7] or [8]




My bishop (or other Church member/leader) has said that using sex toys will make us unworthy to enter the temple.

If a single person uses a vibrator to achieve an orgasm, that person needs to repent and regain their worthiness before the Lord. In addition to being a prurient breaking of the law of chastity, solo masturbation or masturbating when single is a habit that has been shown to have detrimental side effects to your marriage.

When a married person uses a toy or another sexual aid primarily instead of going to their spouse for sexual intimacy, this can create resentment and therefore does the opposite of what sex was intended for - to bring you closer together.

While the use of sex toys is not sinful in marriage by themselves, sex toys (like any other sexual practice or technique) can be used in a wrongful manner, including to hurt or damage our spouse’s body.

If we are forcing, guilting, or coercing our spouse into using sex toys when they would prefer not to, we can and should repent. Repentance means adjusting your approach, making restitution with yourself and your spouse and the Lord, and, if necessary, moving on. Don’t sweat it. Learning what works and what doesn’t sexually in your marriage is part of the game (and the fun, when you do find something that works for the both of you.)

If you bring a sexual concern about using sex toys to your Church leader, that leader is in all likelihood going to tell you to stop and not use them. It's important to understand what that counsel means, though. 

If the use of sex toys is in some way driving a couple apart instead of bringing them closer, then that couple needs to stop using sex toys (at least temporarily) until they’ve discovered the true source of their challenges and worked through it. 

It doesn't mean they should never use sex toys. It doesn't mean that no one should ever use sex toys. 

It means they should resolve any underlying concerns and issues that are keeping them from using them, if they're able. Until then, they should not use them.

For more thoughts on church leaders’ advice regarding married sexuality, see my blog entitled “Is the Bishop In Your Bedroom”[i].


[i] http://ldsmarriagebed.blogspot.com/2011/02/is-bishop-in-your-bedroom.html

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Sex Toys In The LDS Marriage Part 8 of 11

 WARNING: This post contains a topic of a sacred sexual nature and is intended for married couples only. Reader discretion is advised.
 
 Click here in case you missed part [1], [2], [3] ,[4], [5], [6],and [7]
 
What if my spouse starts to prefer the sex toy instead of having sex with me?

While toys are helpful and (let’s admit it) often just plain good marital fun, they cannot truly replace intimacy with a live human being in a loving interaction.[i]

Toys can stimulate the sensitive nerves that bring a person to orgasm, but they don’t do pillow talk. They don’t caress you lovingly. They don’t trigger those biochemical; ionic interactions that create the full experience of talking, touching, tasting, and sharing that is human intimacy.They also do not complete our sexual cycles that enable us to fulfill the full measure of our creations.

While you’ve satisfied one aspect of you (the body), a lot of other parts go unsatisfied if all you ever do is use a sex toy.

If this is a concern, it would be an excellent opportunity to have an open conversation about this with your spouse. Talk about what they or you may feel is missing from the relationship. Do they trust you with their feelings to let go and be vulnerable with you? Such conversations are sometimes difficult to have, but they are well worth the effort. Overcoming conflict together intensifies intimacy.

If the barrier is deeper than this, a marriage counselor can be helpful here. The rule of thumb here is that sex is supposed to be used as a tool to strengthen your eternal bond. Sex toys should be used to enhance that, not separate you or push you apart.


[i]“Should I Be Worried About My Wife and Her Dildo? (a secular reference, but has some useful advice about sexual communication between a man and a wife): http://sexuality.about.com/od/sexual_worries/a/wife_and_dildo.htm

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Sex Toys In The LDS Marriage Part 7 of 11

 WARNING: This post contains a topic of a sacred sexual nature and is intended for married couples only. Reader discretion is advised.
 
 
 Click here in case you missed part [1], [2], [3] ,[4], [5], and [6]

A husband or wife may also carry this belief with them:

Sex toys are immoral because they don’t assist in procreation.

Actually, they very much can be an aid in the procreation process.

Stimulation of the clitoris helps to prepare the vagina for sex. similar to the penis, when stimulated, the vaginal walls become engorged with blood. The vagina will also self-lubricate. This increases feeling for both the husband and wife when he inserts his penis. As arousal continues and if he has inserted himself, the vagina is self-adjusting. This means it adjusts to the shape,size and length of the husband’s penis. The cervix also moves down to meet the head of the penis.

If the wife is brought to orgasm (and she can have more than one), after he has released his semen, the cervix has been shown to engage in a dipping motion into the pool of semen at the back of the vagina. This is believed to help in the conception process.[i]

The chemical release of dopamine after ejaculation causes the husband to become very drowsy and briefly disoriented. Here is where a vibrator can come in handy to allow the wife to come to orgasm if the husband has already achieved one. It is during her orgasm when the dipping action takes place, which helps aid in the conception process.I find this debunks the idea of making sure "she comes first." If you're trying to conceive, it's actually more beneficial if he helps her orgasm second. 

Since his ability to obtain an erection has been spent, and his reward chemical release has temporarily disabled him, a sex toy can come in very handy here. He can use it on his wife, or he can hold her while she uses it on herself.

Procreation is not the only reason for married couples to be intimate with each other.[ii] If this were the case, the sex drive would naturally diminish in both healthy men and women (especially women) as the childbearing years ended…but this is not the case.

In many cases, women in particular often experience a heightened desire for having sex as they age. This can be especially true past menopause. Why would this happen if procreation were the only reason for having sex?

Dr. Helen Fisher teaches that this may be due to our ancestral natural selection biological make-up. A trait (particular to humans) where sex is not only used for procreation, but also as a way to keep the male around to help raise the children.[iii] From an eternal perspective, it is also a way the Lord has designed as a balm to help a couple cope with the challenges of marriage and to keep the couple together for all eternity.

Using sex toys shouldn’t be the only kind of sexual activity a couple has. We’ve been counseled to not have sex to the exclusion of activities that result in procreation. Having babies is still a vital function, and the Lord has commanded us to have children where age and health permit,[i] but that doesn’t mean that every intimate encounter has to be missionary position vaginal intercourse. Sex toys are certainly allowable as a tool in a married couple’s sexually intimate repertoire


[i] Packer, Boyd K. The Plan of Happiness, April 2015 Conference



[ii] “Marriage between a man and a woman is fundamental to the Lord’s doctrine and crucial to God’s eternal plan. Marriage between a man and a woman is God’s pattern for a fulness of life on earth and in heaven. God’s marriage pattern cannot be abused, misunderstood, or misconstrued.33 Not if you want true joy. God’s marriage pattern protects the sacred power of procreation and the joy of true marital intimacy.” – Russell M. Nelson, “Decisions For Eternity”, Ensign, Nov 2013, https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/decisions-for-eternity?lang=eng, (emphasis added)
[iii] Helen Fisher and Eric Meyers. “Science of the Sexes”, Discovery Channel Classics, Not Rated, 2008

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Sex Toys In The LDS Marriage Part 6 of 11



 WARNING: This post contains a topic of a sacred sexual nature and is intended for married couples only. Reader discretion is advised.

 Click here in case you missed part [1], [2], [3] ,[4] and [5]

Today we address this potential obstacle: 
 
Sex toys are for masturbating, and masturbation is against gospel doctrine.

The council in the Church that’s given against masturbation is directed to those who are single and in the context of outside of marriage, and is not necessarily aimed at those who are married. For more information, please  read the example I give of this in my article “From a distance: Masturbation in the LDS marriage”.[i]

As discussed previously, sex toys can also be used to perpetuate a solo masturbation habit in marriage, but this often is an abuse of sex toys. Toys should never replace sexual activity with your spouse – only facilitate it.

Mutual masturbation in marriage is not against gospel principles when used as a tool to bond you intimately as husband and wife. When used with this spirit of the law in mind, it is a wholesome exercise of our sacred procreative powers in the bounds the Lord has set.


[i] “From a Distance: Masturbation in the LDS Marriage”. One of many blogs regarding masturbation I have written, and very appropriate here: http://ldsmarriagebed.blogspot.com/2011/05/from-distance-masturbation-in-lds.html

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Sex Toys In The LDS Marriage - Part 5 of 11



WARNING: This post contains a topic of a sacred sexual nature and is intended for married couples only. Reader discretion is advised.
 
Click here in case you missed part [1], [2], [3] and [4]

This week we address the concern:

Sexual intercourse alone should be enough for any couple to be happy sexually. Sex toys are not needed, unless someone is addicted to profane erotica.

Sexual intercourse is not always sufficient, more specifically for women, to achieve an orgasm.

Some studies have found that as few as 25% of women are able to achieve orgasm strictly through intercourse and nothing else. In addition, (depending on her arousal and sexual response) it can take from 20 minutes to an hour for a woman to reach orgasm. There is nothing wrong with this. It requires loving consideration and patience on the husband’s part in order to give this loving gift to his wife.

However, (unless he is an athlete used to making hip thrust movements with a consistent speed and rhythm continuously for 45 minutes) many husbands may not have the physical stamina to keep up the physical movements that long. Also, the average man reaches orgasm within 2-7 minutes, which is not nearly enough time for women to be stimulated themselves.

Many sexual positions, including the popular missionary position, often provide insufficient stimulation to the woman’s clitoris.

While varying positions can sometimes help with this, most often women achieve more success with direct stimulation to the clitoris, either manually or with a vibrator or other sexually stimulating implement.

The more often a husband has sex and the more satiated he becomes over time, the longer it can also take him to have an orgasm. This can actually be beneficial in helping his wife come to orgasm, but if she orgasms before he does, then using a sex toy on him is also an option. However, when this happens, I usually advise that this is a good indicator that his body is telling him to take a break from sex for a day or two.

What about those who are elderly? Those who are disabled? Those who do not as yet feel confident in their ability to stimulate their spouse to an orgasm?

Are those couples unworthy of sexual pleasure in their marriage? For a husband who’s uncertain of how his wife’s body works, using a vibrator or another sex toy can greatly increase his self-confidence in the bedroom, and make her satisfaction a much easier achievement. In addition, it’s not only arousing for a husband, but also gives a tremendous boost to his ego when he learns that he can give his wife that gift. It maintains its sanctity when a married couple keeps these things between themselves.

For those who would prefer to avoid sex toys and want to try manual stimulation techniques instead, there are some halfway-decent sources in the world for learning this, although they often come with images or content some may feel to be profane, depending on you or your spouse’s sensitivity. I don’t post such sacred things in an open blog, but I do provide information when asked for individually.

If you’d like more information on helpful techniques, please feel free to send me an email at samzaragoza@sbcglobal.net, or message me at my Facebook page, The LDS Marriage Bed (https://www.facebook.com/theldsmarriagebed/).