marriage bed symbol

marriage bed symbol

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Nine Tips For Wives To Improve Your Marriage Intimately



This article was rewritten from a piece of writing I found online from a student of sex therapy. While I found her advice to be sound overall, her method of delivery (very worldly and profane-erotica-based) all but guaranteed the members of the Church would never find and get to use her good advice.

Since I believe that all truth and knowledge belongs to the Lord, I’ve taken the worldliness out of her article, so now we as Saints also have the benefit of her wisdom.

Please remember that this information is meant for married women only. If you are single and reading this, you have your agency, but learning about sex techniques is not something you can do by simply reading about it. 

To fully understand and know, you have to also physically practice, and in order to do that, (per LDS doctrine) you need to be married. Also, focusing on sexual technique before marriage can create a subconscious level of arousal that may challenge your ability to keep the law of chastity. Before marriage, the best thing you can do to prepare for a good sex life is to live the gospel of Jesus Christ the very best you can.
  
“When we obey the law of chastity and keep ourselves morally clean, we will experience the blessings of increased love and peace, greater trust and respect for our marital partners, deeper commitment to each other, and, therefore, a deep and significant sense of joy and happiness.”  
~ Pres. Ezra Taft Benson ( 1987,51-54)[i]


That being said, here are nine tips for improved physical intimacy with your spouse:

Recognize that something needs to change if things feel routine
If you’re going to live together as husband and wife for a long time (we’re thinking and hoping for forever, of course), then sex may feel routine after a while. We mortals are creatures of habit, and we like things to be familiar, comfortable, and predictable, but familiar needs a change-up every now and then. 

The world may tell you that the romance is gone, and we will come to accept that married sex is just plain boring, but that is not a foregone conclusion. Change the sex you’re having instead. It’s not always comfortable, but it keeps things fun and interesting. You may make some discoveries along the way that add excitement to old familiar practices.

Practice talking openly about s-e-x with your spouse.
If you’re going to have good sex, it has to start with where you are, which means talking to each other about how you’re feeling, what you like, and what you don’t like. Speak clearly, with words like vagina, vulva, frenulum, stroke, grip, clitoris, anus, orgasm and vibrator, and so on. 

Just because you don’t use these terms in everyday conversation doesn’t mean you shouldn’t use them with your spouse either. Learn and know the terms for all your sexual body parts.  Admit to each other what you know, and what you don’t know and would like to learn together.

“If you think your partner demands a bravura performance every time, have a chat about it before you get to the bedroom. Research suggests there's often a disconnect between perceived and actual expectations.” ~ Huston, (2014,1)[ii]

Get comfortable with and appreciate your body.
Your body is an amazing gift from God in so many ways. If you’re not familiar with the workings of your more intimate body parts, now is the time to learn. You couldn’t go out and get a book about sex as a single person without moving towards breaking the law of chastity, but now…relax, and take the time to learn all about your body’s capabilities.

Another good thing to do is to find a hand mirror, and take a look at your whole vulva, your labia, your clitoris, and maybe try finding your G-Spot. Ever seen or felt them before? How do they look to you? How do you feel about them? Have you ever touched them, or explored them yourself? A little self-learning will help you find out how you like to be touched down there, and then you can tell your husband. 

Chances are he’ll be a very enthusiastic learner. Husbands get a tremendous boost to their ego and feel more bonded to you when you help them feel successful as a lover.

Explore your senses
Remember what I said before about the body being this amazing gift from God? Another gift that came along with your body is the senses, and how they make you feel when they’re stimulated.

Those of you who may be questioning this because of certain scriptures that combine the word ‘sensual’ with the word ‘devilish’ don’t need to worry. That is a completely different context than the context of using your senses to appreciate physical love within marriage. God has given us these gifts to be enjoyed, just as He gave us fire to cook our food with and to relax by the fireplace, but not to burn our house down.

What kinds of visual stimulation do you like?
Do you like to watch yourself have sex, or look at your husband in the nude?
What kinds of things do you like to hear?
Do you like the noises of sex, or do they bother you? Explore that.
Do you like the idea of tasting things, maybe playing with different kinds of foods, or tasting each other’s skin?
What kinds of touch do you like? Do you like it when he touches you? How do you want to be touched? How does he?
What kinds of textures make you feel excited and wanting to feel close to your spouse? Fur, feathers, lotions? 

The possibilities are pretty broad.
Don’t ignore all the senses – including sound. If being talked to in a certain way is important to your arousal, be sure to let your spouse know. As you explore each other’s bodies, be sure to let your spouse know what you liked so that he can do it again later.

Take your time to make these explorations. By all means, enjoy yourself. Make notes if you wish. The things you’re learning are special, sacred and just between the two of you. There’s no hurry whatsoever. You have all eternity to perfect your lovemaking, so take your time.

Remember the other parts of your body that aren’t necessarily sexual.
Don’t you hate it when your husband jumps for his favorite parts of your body without remembering that you’re connected to them? Women, you can do the same thing, if you’re not careful. 

Don’t be in so much of a hurry to get sex ‘over with’ that you miss out on the opportunity to do some exploring of your own, and maybe get some pampering during the process.
Massage is a good way to reconnect to all of your body. 

Ever had one? Given one? How does it feel when your shoulders or feet are rubbed or kissed? Maybe the back of your neck? The back of your arms? Your hands? A woman’s entire body is a sexual antenna of sensation. Use that to your advantage.

Relaxing doesn’t always come naturally – practice, practice, and…you guessed it!
Getting ready to have sex can be hard for women, especially if your head is full of kids, appointments, looming projects, deadlines, and shopping lists. If you struggle with anxieties about your body or your communication or anything else, that makes it even harder.

What’s the best way for you to quickly get into the mood? Some women find it helps to take a few minutes to shift gears, set aside the time, and do something for you that lifts your mood. A warm shower, a (little bit) of chocolate, or a few minutes to talk out your issues helps some women. Figure out a strategy that works for the both of you.

Plan a time for sex that works for both of you. Not just one of you.  Or, let your spouse know how much notice you need to prepare yourself mentally for sex. 

The basic formula, according to Christian marriage expert Mark Gungor, is this – one turned-on husband + one turned-on wife = great sex. If only one of you is happy, you’re not having great sex.

If you just don’t feel like having sex sometimes, does that mean you shouldn’t have it? Nope. Schedule it and make it a regular practice, regardless of how you feel. It’s common for one spouse to have a higher sex drive than the other, and both spouse’s needs should be met, not just the lower-drive spouse’s. Have a quickie when you need to.

Let him know when something feels good to you…or not.
Husbands are wonderful, but they don’t read minds. Never have. You need to let them know when what they’re doing with you is working. Telling them what you want is great. 

Communicating through moaning or wiggling works too. The more he knows he’s on the right track, the more of the right stuff he’ll do.

Conversely, if something he’s doing really isn’t working for you, or if he’s rubbing one thing and you’d rather he was caressing something else, let him know, but do it kindly. Instead of ‘Ow!’ or ‘that’s not working at all’, try ‘honey, it would feel so good if you would do _______ right now’. 

Keep it positive. No one likes to be told they’re not doing well, especially in such a sacred place as the marriage bed.

You have more options than you think…
The world of sexual options is not closed to you just because you’re a member of the Church. In fact, there’s more out there for you to try than you’ll ever have time to get to.

If you have concerns about specific sexual acts or positions, or just want more information on them, you’re always welcome to follow my blog, where I’ll give you information without the worldly perspective or the profane ads that often follow Googled information. 

Some articles you may want to start with include:
 
You can also contact me directly with any questions you may have.

Oral sex, in particular, seems to hang up a lot of members, for either moral uncertainty, personal revulsion, or because they may not feel skilled or confident enough to do it.

 Again, you may only need a little education here. What feels good to you may not feel good to your husband. If you’d like to try oral sex (either on you or on him), talk to your husband about it to see how he feels. Then learn how to do it correctly and hygienically.

Make some time to practice on a regular basis, even if it’s only for a few minutes at a time. Sooner or later, you’ll get better, and getting better means more personal confidence.

Never be afraid of trying new things. As members of the Church, you have the Holy Ghost to guide you to all truth, including sexual truth. The Lord wants you to learn about how to have good sex in marriage – as married members, it’s a fundamental for eternal life and salvation.

Recognize when you need outside help, and where to go get it.
If you’re trying to implement these suggestions, and coming across specific challenges that you don’t feel you can get through, that’s the time to go find someone you trust to get some new ideas to try.

Whether it’s a physical problem like vaginismus (an involuntary tightening of the vagina that makes sex difficult or even impossible), or low desire or anxiety, there are LDS professionals who will keep your confidences sacred, and help you troubleshoot an appropriate solution. 

Don’t be afraid to reach out to an appropriate specialist…one who can help you with whatever challenge you’re up against, be it physical, sexual,  mental or spiritual.

Ignoring the problem, hoping it will go away…or praying without listening for promptings and taking inspired action, thinking that the Lord will do all the heavy lifting for you…will likely not work. Faith doesn’t work that way.[iii]

And there you go – If the zing in your marriage bed is temporarily fizzled out, you can take action and make your own plan to give it life again.







[i] Benson, Ezra Taft, 1987 BYU Devotional and Fireside Speeches, 51-54
[ii] Huston, Matt, Psychology Today, Sex: Egos Undressed, 2014, 1, https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201406/sex-egos-undressed
[iii] Scott, Richard G., Oct. 2010, The Transforming Power of Faith and Character, https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/10/the-transforming-power-of-faith-and-character?lang=eng





















1 comment:

DMV said...

Coach Sam on Facebook: "While coercion in marriage is a recipe for bad sex, who would you say is the spouse who determines what sexual practices are acceptable in marriage? Is it always the wife? How can we help each other as spouses to determine appropriateness of intimate activities? I'd like to hear your thoughts/questions...
"If sex is as sacred to us as it should be, then it deserves that status both before and after the wedding ceremony. 'Anything' does not go in marriage.
Decency is as important for married people as for the unmarried. Perversion are perversions whenever indulged in, and the marriage ceremony cannot take away their stain.
When indecency, indignity and unnatural practices are thrust upon a good woman by a lustful man, can she be blamed for resisting? Can any woman retain her self-respect or her regard for her husband if he insists upon and she submits to unnatural practices?
How many women now called 'frigid' would resist a normal relationship? It is the unnatural, the extreme and the indecent which sickens self-respecting women."
~ Mark E. Petersen, Marriage and Common Sense, pp. 94-95"
At best, I find that I have mixed feelings towards statements like this one from Elder Petersen. My opinion is certainly colored by my own experience as a man in a longterm sexless marriage, so bear that in mind.
In answer to your main question of who decides what's on the sexual menu, I think the best answer I have seen to that is "both", as Dr. David Schnarch describes in a blog series that begins with "sex always consists of leftovers." (https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/intimacy-and-desire ) The basic idea is that each spouse decides for themselves what is off the menu, and you come together and do whatever is "leftover". When you want something different or something more, you have to ask yourself and your spouse to go beyond their current level of sexual development.
One challenge might be terminology. Elder Petersen and others often use the term "perverted" and claim that God disapproves of "perverted" sexual activities. However, the Brethren have refused to publish a list of "Heaven Approved and Forbidden" sexual activities, so it is up to each of us to discern for ourselves. Dr. Schnarch explains that "'Disgusting and perverted' depends on your sexual maturity. So, if one finds X perverted, then he/she can not only bring personal opinion and conviction to the "I won't do X" discussion, but can also invoke the hand of Heaven to enforce "I think X is perverted, so God does not approve, so we cannot do X". We can easily miss the "discernment" step where we determine whether our personal opinion is really a reflection of Heaven's opinion or not. These kind of statements do not really help in discerning what God thinks is perverted. Nor do they really encourage a spouse to reflect on why they are uncomfortable with X, nor do they show a couple how to really have the dialog around getting something new on the menu. With that in mind, I find statements like this one unhelpful in really helping a couple navigate and negotiate the sexual relationship. It makes a good quote for a Facebook post, but does not really reveal anything about how the sexual relationship should work in marriage.
Thank you for providing a forum/community for discussing these kind of issues in an LDS context. I think it is valuable to discuss these issues, eventually getting to a better understanding of how God truly views our sexuality and get past our misunderstandings.