marriage bed symbol

marriage bed symbol

Friday, May 30, 2014

Continue - The - Courtship Night (At Home) - THE ART OF CUDDLING

Welcome to another wholesome continue-the-courtship night!

The longer I'm married, the more I realize just what an art form cuddling with your spouse can actually be. Just where do you put that extra arm? And, no matter where you put it, it always seems to manage to fall asleep - ruining the whole experience.

This is a great one for when you have small children, are on a tight budget, and/or feeling stuck at home. For tonight's date night, practice cuddling. Break out some of those 365 questions, practice synchronizing your breathing, and/or try kissing with your eyes open. When the giggling stops, you may find an  intense intimate connection.

Here is a couple of  fantastic "how to" videos I found. They have some great cuddling tips on what to do with that arm that always seems to be getting in the way.


Thursday, May 22, 2014

Continue-The-Courtship Night (At Home) - Sacred Massage

Happy Continue-The-Courtship Night all you married lovers out there! 

Here's your weekend stuck-at-home date idea:

Sacred massage? Sure! Anything we do intimately in our eternal marriages is sacred. Massage is a good way to get in touch with each other's bodies, as well as improving each other's emotional well-being, physical health and sexual health. 

Give each other a full-body massage, towels and oils and all. If exposing your body to your spouse fills you with anxiety, maybe you could talk about your feelings, or start with a massage of non-sexual areas, working your way towards something more intimate later. 

Remember, intimacy is a journey, not a destination, and regular dates must be a conscious decision. The Adversary will play on our desire to slack off and let dates slide. Like the gospel, it may not easy, and requires planning, but it pays off over time. 

There are several videos on YouTube and Howcast that show massage techniques. Brethren, the fastest way to your wife's vagina, is through her heart. The fastest way to touch her heart is through her feet. I know of few wives who wouldn't love a good foot massage, and sadly there are few husbands willing to give them. 

Sexual technique number one: Become a master of the foot massage.

Friday, May 16, 2014

Continue-The-Courtship Night (At Home) - Erotic Reading

Happy Continue-The-Courtship Night all you married lovers out there! 

Here's a great "stuck-at-home-because-of-small-children" date idea.

Read a book together:

Motherhood can be one of the most fatiguing jobs. When the children are little, her job isn't 9 - 5.

She not only takes care of the little ones 24 hrs a day, she usually takes on the additional chores of attending to her husband's needs. 

What she needs - is rest.

Put the kids to bed early, lock yourselves into your room, cuddle on the bed and read a fun book together. Some recommendations would be a good biography of her favorite celebrity, or The Lord of the Rings books or whatever sort of story you both might enjoy. I suggest picking something weird or fun, or something you've never read about before. It makes for great conversation and that's the whole point. Even scripture stories would be a good read, and spark some discussion.

One caveat here - unless she is in the mood for it, try to avoid any books about improving your sex life (or improving anything, for that matter) - this may make her feel pressured to act when she just wants to relax, clear her mind and bond emotionally with you. Ironcially (to us men) this can actually get her in the mood to be sexually intimate. She has to mentally make that decision, and that's an easier decision for a woman to make when she feels emotionally closer to you.

So, it's best to avoid topics that would have her associate sex, or time with you, with "chores". Now is the time to relax and enjoy the other's company. If sex happens, that's a plus but shouldn't be the goal here. If it will help you relax, it's okay to request a quickie, but let it be her gift to you. Let emotional intimacy be your gift to her.

Happy dating!

Friday, May 9, 2014

Continue-The-Courtship Night (At Home) - Learn Your Color


 Okay, this date idea is not cheap, but can be done at home and one that I HIGHLY recommend. 

90% of our problems with sexuality in marriage can be resolved by learning the cultural communication style of our spouse. (ex. your definition of "fair" may be different from your spouses definition of "fair"). 

One tool we have to help us understand our spouse's language style is the Jungian personality test. WWW.THECOLORSPEOPLE.COM.

Tonight's date night is to take the test together, discuss, try to understand and accept your spouse's language. 

Then ask each other the question " How do you define 'good in bed'? How do you define 'fun in bed'? Which is more important to you?" 

Then try to give that to each other. If the answers vary greatly, share. Take turns. 

Happy Dating! 

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

LDS Terminology That Shapes Our Sexual Perspective

Some of the words we use in our respective subcultures may seem innocent. They may appear to carry no power or allow for every situation.

When it comes to communication – especially in marriage – understanding the power of words is essential when attempting to understand each other, and what is or is not sexually acceptable to Lord in our lives.

Words have power to shape our perceptions, and by default, our lives.

The word ‘pornography’ is an excellent example of this. If we prejudice all sexuality by wrapping it all up in the word “pornography”, then the human aspiration to simplify or pigeonhole all concepts leads us to view all manifestations of sexuality as ‘bad’ – even in marriage. What’s worse, the definitions of pornography avoid – even deny – the existence of its sacred aspect.[i]

I believe there’s a better way to determine if something is worthy before the Lord when it comes to art, music, humor, movies, books, TV, human anatomy, human interaction, sexuality, and the gospel.

However, in our LDS culture the word pornography has been allowed to warp and blur everything we believe in – from our definitions of modesty to what are appropriate sexual practices in marriage – and it’s causing reason to stare.

When we’re speaking with each other in terms of the gospel, we can abandon the word pornography and use a better term.

Instead of using the word ‘pornography’ as the world uses it, we can substitute the terms ‘profane erotica’ and ‘sacred erotica’, and get a much clearer picture of what the Lord intended for us to know about the proper and right use of sexuality. 

For more background on the general idea, feel free to refer to my previous article, “Mormons Take Pleasure in Sacred Erotica”. Here, I’d like to show you how words can change our perceptions.

For example, I was recently reading the Church’s booklet, “Let Virtue Garnish Thy Thoughts”, a booklet that discusses the law of chastity and how to best keep it – in terms of what entertainment we seek out. It’s a blessing to us as members that the Church puts out such information, and I’m not saying that the Church curriculum department made mistakes in putting this pamphlet out there.

What I want to show is how we might consider using different terms to help us to better communicate the difference between what is acceptable and what is not  when it comes to how we view and handle human anatomy and sexuality, in or out of marriage.

In the pamphlet, “Let Virtue Garnish Thy Thoughts”, we find the following paragraph.

Pornography can be devastating. Indulgence in it will deprive you of the companionship of the Holy Ghost. It will darken your mind. It will weaken and can eventually destroy marriage and family life. Those who indulge in it soon feel alienated, unworthy, and unacceptable to God, to themselves, and to others. They become self-centered and less able to enjoy healthy and righteous interactions with others. They waste valuable time and money, jeopardize their standing in the Church, and diminish their ability to serve others.”

This appears to be a very clear-cut statement on the surface. Instead, it raises additional difficult questions.

What exactly is pornography anyway?

Does pornography mean all sexuality?

Does that mean I should remove all sexual stimuli from my life? Is that even possible?

Does that mean we’re indulging in pornography if I and my spouse want to learn about sex?

How does this relate to the sexually intimate relationship between a husband and wife?

Does that mean that any kind of sexual act or images of the human anatomy that people take pictures of is pornography?

What about medical journals and training? If anyone finds themselves aroused by those images, should they not become a doctor? Are doctors sinning because they are intentionally exposing themselves to images of sexual anatomy?

What about art? Is that pornography? Who defines what art is and what is only “pornography”?

What if I’m turned on by things other people are not turned on by? Does it make that thing only pornography to me and not others? And vise versa?

What if my spouse/parents/bishop/other friends and relatives think pornography is one thing, and I think it’s something else? Am I wrong? Is my spouse or other loved ones right? Should I allow others to define what is “pornographic” for me?

If it carries such heavy consequences, I personally would want to know.

These very questions are questions I’m asked by other readers, who read such information in the Church or in the world, and can’t find clear answers to these questions. How would you answer these questions for someone? What if these questions could be answered by substituting one term for another?

Now read the same paragraph, where I substitute the term ‘pornography’ for the term ‘profane erotica’:

Profane erotica can be devastating. Indulgence in it will deprive you of the companionship of the Holy Ghost. It will darken your mind. It will weaken and can eventually destroy marriage and family life. Those who indulge in it soon feel alienated, unworthy, and unacceptable to God, to themselves, and to others. They become self-centered and less able to enjoy healthy and righteous interactions with others. They waste valuable time and money, jeopardize their standing in the Church, and diminish their ability to serve others.”

Were you able to see how one substitution can change everything? It still works, and what’s more, when we understand what the difference is between how to handle things that are sacred and what actions profane the sacred - it starts to make some of the answers to these questions more clear.

What is profane erotica anyway?
Profane erotica is any sexual words (spoken, sung or written), images (art, TV, movies, etc.) created or shared in a context that defiles what should be treated as sacred and holy. It is often created for the purpose of stimulating our minds to sexual thoughts outside of our marital relationship, which is meant to lead us to physically break the law of chastity, whether married or single.

Does profane erotica include all sexuality?
No. All charitably shared and wholesome sexual expression within marriage is sacred. President Spencer W. Kimball reinforced this idea when he said “In the context of lawful marriage, the intimacy of sexual relations is right and divinely approved. There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself, for by that means men and women join in the process of creation and in an expression of love.” (President Kimball Speaks Out, 2)

When the human body (including reproductive organs) is viewed and handled in an ethical and reverent way, it is also in keeping with treating it sacred. This spirit of the law is what makes allowance for bathing a child or changing their diaper. It also makes allowance for someone studying, teaching and practicing gynecology, human sexuality, and other professional practices that involve edifying and healing the human body, mind and relationships.

Does it mean I should remove all sexual stimuli from my life (assuming I’m married)?
No. Removing all sexual stimuli is impossible. We should remove all stimuli that come to us in a profane context. We then ourselves only express sexuality in a sacred way, whether married or single. The Church has provided a helpful list of questions we can ask ourselves to determine if what we are exposed to in our work, hobbies or daily lives is profane and/or affecting our spirituality and well-being, and the health of our marital relationship. It can be found at this link: ( )
Does that mean we’re indulging in profane erotica if I and my spouse want to learn about sex?
No. Profane erotica is not an accurate source for learning about sexuality anyway.

Susan  M. Johnson a professor of psychology at the University of Ottawa and Director of the Ottawa Couple and Family Institute said 

"Pornography is an instruction kit for being an absolutely appalling lover!"[ii]

Pictures or videos of live people having sex can be misleading on several different levels, and are profaning the act itself. Some videos that proclaim to be “sexual education” are instead gateway profane erotica.

With our current technology, there is no sexual practice or technique that cannot be respectfully demonstrated by way of a drawing, mannequin, or computer generated image - instead of using live models. Married couples would find more success seeking out sources for sexual education that treat sexuality and the human body in an ethical and respectful manner, and that follow the guidelines for the scientific method.

Does that mean that any kind of sexual act that people take pictures of is profane erotica?
Taking sexual pictures and sharing them with others is profaning our own or someone else’s sexuality – making it common and ordinary instead of holy and sacred.

Sister Susan W. Tanner (a former Young Women’s General President) said:

 “Satan… tries to do everything he can to get us to abuse or misuse this precious gift. He has filled the world with lies and deceptions about the body. He tempts many to defile this great gift of the body through unchastity, immodesty, self-indulgence, and addictions. He seduces some to despise their bodies; others he tempts to worship their bodies.

In either case, he entices the world to regard the body merely as an object. In the face of so many satanic falsehoods about the body, I want to raise my voice today in support of the sanctity of the body. I testify that the body is a gift to be treated with gratitude and respect…

A short while ago as I visited one of the great tourist-filled cities of the world, I felt an overwhelming sadness that so many people in the world had fallen prey to Satan’s deception that our bodies are merely objects to be flaunted and displayed openly… In For the Strength of Youth it says: “Your body is God’s sacred creation. Respect it as a gift from God, and do not defile it in any way.”[iii]

 What about within marriage? A husband taking an erotic picture of his wife (or vise versa) that he does not share is not profane – it is sacred, as long as there is no coercion involved, one or the other spouse does not find the activity lewd, and it is either destroyed or kept sacred between the husband and wife.

Allowing others to see those images would then be violating that sacred trust, and would defile the sacredness of your spouse’s body.[iv]

What about sex or nudity in art? Is that profane erotica?
Sexuality or nudity in art is a powerful thing and can easily be used for profane purposes. The subconscious sexual brain cannot tell the difference between what is real or imagined.[v]  It will invoke a sexual response either way.  If we look at the naked body (or representation thereof) of a person we are not married to for the purpose of becoming aroused, that is profaning something sacred. Even if we are not expressly aroused by viewing such art, it can still subconsciously affect us.

Again, Dr. David Glenn in his book “Beginner to Advanced NLP”, teaches how powerful our subconscious mind is and how it has the power to override our conscious mind. Our subconscious will move us to do that which it associates with pleasure. He explains that putting up images of those things that we want or desire (where we can see them regularly) has a powerful affect on our subconscious. It will eventually cause us to act on them when the opportunity arises – because we associate that thing with pleasure.

To illustrate, President Spencer W. Kimball gives these examples in his book “The Miracle of Forgiveness”:

“…In a community in the North, I visited a man occasionally who had above the desk in his printing establishment a huge picture of a nude woman.

He laughed at the idea of its being destructive to his morals. But one day years later he came to me with a stained soul – he had committed adultery. His house had fallen in on him.

Certainly the thoughts provoked by the things always before his eyes must have had a deteriorating effect on him. There may have been other factors, but surely this one played its part.

We would all be well advised to avoid the motivation to the evil thought. If persistently resisted it will ‘get the message’ and stay away.

When I was in business in Arizona, the calendar salesman came each year and we always bought calendars and gave them to customers as advertising. The first year the salesman spread out on the desk large, colored pictures of scantily clad girls, glamorous but shocking.

We pushed them all aside and chose scenes, landscapes, and elevating pictures. In all the years following, that salesman never brought me…another suggestive picture.”[vi]
I recognize that there is great skill that goes into drawing or sculpting the human form, but determining the difference between what is protecting the sacred or profaning it comes with asking “What was the artist’s intent?”

As President Kimball’s remarks could suggest, the salacious depiction of the human form is only produced when mankind is willing to pay for it. When we stop paying for it, it goes away. The profane erotica industry is so prevalent because it is a billion dollar industry.

There is also a difference between drawing an anatomically correct human form for the purpose to educate, and a drawing or sculpture of the human form skillfully portrayed in a seductive or salacious manner.

Here the phrase “A picture is worth a thousand words,” was never more true. The question we can then ask ourselves is “Is this image profaning the sacred? Is it leading my mind to respectful thoughts, or immoral thoughts?”

What if I’m turned on by people or things other people are not turned on by? Does it make that person or thing profane erotica to me?
Every person is different, and affected by different things. Regardless, we have a responsibility to respect the sacredness of sex and turn away when our feelings go where they should not. If our spouse arouses us sexually, those feelings are sacred, and there are appropriate places for the expression of those feelings within marriage. [vii]

When asked for her definition of pornography, LDS sex therapist Laura M. Brotherson and author of “And They Are Not Ashamed” said to me recently:

“…you might define pornography as anything that's a counterfeit or substitute for sexual intimacy/connection/stimulation within the intimate relationship of a couple. That stimulation which is "received from their spouse" is never considered pornography in my mind.”[viii]

What about books or stories where there’s no pictures? Can that still count as profane erotica?

Sexually explicit books, with or without pictures, can fall under the umbrella of profane erotica.[ix]

If our spouse writes or tells a sexual story that involves our relationship, that story is sacred, as long as it is not shared with outside individuals or parties. Writing stories that are written for the intent to sexually arouse other people we’re not married to is defiling the sacred.

What if my spouse/parents/bishop/other friends and relatives think profane erotica is one thing, and I think it’s something else? Am I wrong? Is my spouse wrong? Are my friends and other loved ones wrong?

What terms are we using? What terms are our family and friends using? Where is the firm guideline but in the terms the Lord originally gave us?

I believe profane erotica is what the prophets and apostles are truly referring to when they call something “pornography” and not sacred erotica. They never meant for us to demonize all sexual experiences – just those that emerge outside the bounds the Lord has set for mankind.[x]

What if, for more clarity, we add the term ‘sacred erotica’ to the same paragraph referenced earlier?

Sacred erotica can be devastating. Indulgence in it will deprive you of the companionship of the Holy Ghost. It will darken your mind. It will weaken and can eventually destroy marriage and family life. Those who indulge in it soon feel alienated, unworthy, and unacceptable to God, to themselves, and to others. They become self-centered and less able to enjoy healthy and righteous interactions with others. They waste valuable time and money, jeopardize their standing in the Church, and diminish their ability to serve others.”

Can you sense how wrong this feels? Sacred erotica doesn't carry any of these consequences, because it's within the proper place the Lord has set.

Some have told me that there is no such thing as sacred erotica, but I ask you – how can something become profane if it is not first holy? The adversary does not create – he only twists and destroys that which is first good – that which was created by God. What did God create?

He created Adam and Eve. He created marriage. He created our reproductive organs. He created the nerve endings and chemical mechanisms that stir sexual arousal and enable orgasm and sexual release and emotional bonding and make life creation possible - even desireable. This is what becomes profaned when the adversary gets his hands on it. When he entices and influences mankind to glorify and worship sexual release and orgasm over worshiping the Lord and following His counsel, people lose the eternal perspective of marriage.[xi]

If we want to keep ourselves firmly on the Lord’s side while still appropriately expressing our sexuality, I highly recommend separating out the ‘sacred’ from the ‘profane’. The world will try to lump them all together with their terms, and the Adversary will have his day with those who do not follow the Lord’s guidelines. By eliminating the term “pornography” and instead acknowledging what is sacred and how it becomes profaned, we can set a better example for our brothers and sisters in the world, and not be fooled by words that only confuse, mislead, frustrate, and enables cultural conditioning that leads to embracing gross immorality as acceptable.

[i] LDS Marriage Bed, Mormons Take Pleasure In Sacred Erotica

[ii]  Johnson, Susan M, The Practice of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, Routledge; 2 edition (August 30, 2004)
[iii] Tanner, Susan W. “The Sanctity of the Body.” Ensign October 2005
[iv] There is a spirit of the law inherent in this, however. Should your spouse be in a circumstance where they cannot be moved, and have an infection on their sacred body parts, taking a picture to show their doctor would not be profane. This is true providing you and the doctor view and discusses the body in an ethical and reverent manner.  Turning around and then showing this same picture to your family, friends and neighbors could be construed as a profane use of that picture. Context makes the difference.

[v] Dr. David Glenn, Beginner To Advanced NLP Hypnotherapy Psychology
[vi] Kimball, Spencer W., The Miracle of Forgiveness, p.114-115
[vii] Kimball, Spencer W. The Miracle of Forgiveness, p. 226-227; also see Christenson, Joe J., The Savior is Counting on You, October 1996 General Conference
[viii]Personal interview, May 2014
[ix] Sam Zaragoza, My Porn is Okay, Your Porn is Not Okay – Avoiding The Double Standard,

[x] Eternal Marriage Student Manual, Intimacy, p. 139-146 and p.264-267
[xi] Eternal Marriage Student Manual, 2003, Intellectual Reserve, Inc., p. 264

Friday, May 2, 2014

Continue-The-Courtship Night (At Home) - Sacred Strip-Tease


 Here is your mostly free stuck at home date idea:

 Remember that the definition of romance is gender-specific. You don't always have to do what's romantic for only one person. Take turns. Tonight, do something for your Mormon man that only YOU can give him. 

Learn and perform a simple striptease or bellydance for him. It may seem dumb to you, but this may be very romantic for a man. Baby Belly? Stretch marks? Not a problem for him - in fact, it should be sexy for him - after all, it was something special you created together. A body confident woman is also very sexy to a man no matter what you think you look like. This is an opportunity for you to give him a special gift and for him to feel how much he adores you. Laugh together and have fun with it.

I found the "Goddess Workout" by Dolphina to be very good. She does dress like a bellydancer (which some may find immodest) but otherwise she is not profane in her presentation. Besides, the video is only for the wife to learn from, so hubby doesn't need to see it. He only will reap what you've learned from the video, and you may find it a fun work out. 

Happy Dating!