marriage bed symbol

marriage bed symbol

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Do You Have Challenges With Low Sex Drive?

 Low sex drive, low or no libido, erectile dysfunction, or vaginal dryness is something that affects thousands of people - including LDS couples. This clip I found has some helpful information. Please check it out and see if this applies to you. The marriage you save may be your own.  LIBIDO LOST


Z said...

I am so glad that antidepressants have not done that to me. In fact, it was the exact opposite. When I treated my depression my sex drive greatly increased! Without fluoxetine my life would be a shambles and I doubt I'd even be married anymore! I hope people take this video as a warning to not misuse antidepressants but if you really need them, you REALLY need them.

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to say thank you very, very much for your work/writings on this blog. I have been searching online forums and blogs for years, looking for a site such as this. There is a lot of good information out there, but I've never come across a source as professional and helpful as this blog. The first day I found this blog I read every single post all the way back to the beginning
I admire your ability to incorporate LDS doctrine/teachings into your scholarly work. I have read the writings of too many "LDS" scholars that all tend to lean more to the "ways of the world" and "science" than to God given truths. I love how you teach that the two can work in harmony.
Again, thank you! Keep up the good work. I see you having the potential to help a lot of people as you continue in your studies.

CoachSam said...

Thank you Anon June 7th. You are very gracious. I'm grateful you found this helpful.

Chris said...

I don't know a better place than that for posting my commment.
My wife loves our sexual intimacy but she has a hangup with my penis: she does not like it. she has never had any sexual problems in her past before we were married (rape, seeing naked men). However she likes it when I am inside of her or when she is being taken. It is more a matter os psychological wiring I think. My question is: how can we change things as she want to change but does not know how to evercome that way of thinking?

CoachSam said...

Dear Chris,

Thank you for reading my articles and for your question.

I'm sensing from your questions that you may have some insecurity about your own body, if you're worried about how she feels about it. A woman's lust and admiration of a man's penis is a paradigm created by the media and porn industry. In reality, women don't really give it much thought.

They don't grow up seeing the thing every day as we men do. Because it is so much a part of us, we develop our own body issues and self esteem about it, and women feel differently.

To most women, it is an alien thing. This doesn't make her weird or strange, just different. Some women adapt and learn to love it, and others remain ambivalent.

Chances are, she finds her own vagina strange and weird. This doesn't make her broken, just biologically different. Women are wired differently sexually from men. This affects what she finds arousing and what motivates her to have sex or do sexual things.

What is romantic to a woman is very different from what a man finds romantic (see my "avoiding the double standard" article)

She has her own views and definitions of what love and sex are. If she allows you to put it in her vagina, she really doesn't have an aversion to it and you can take comfort in that she loves you and wants to be close to you.

I would also encourage you to ask her "How do you define sex?" and "What makes you feel loved?" Then let her know what your definition is for each. You'll find they are very different, and by respecting each others differences, you can help meet each other's intimacy needs.

Chris said...

Thanks for your answer and the way you explain things.
Yes, I worry how she feels about it because she said to me one day that she finds it not good looking, red when it’s erect, and not esthetic. And no, I love my penis and my body. I must add she does not like her vagina and she does not like deep kissing because she finds it wet. Don’t get me wrong: she likes sexual intimacy but she has the hangs-up I mentioned above. Nevertheless I can feel she really loves me when we have intercourse and when I go down on her to give her an orgasm. So, the point is: how to have her accept my penis for what is worth when we engage in foreplay, like learning how to play with it (for my pleasure) without having the negative feelings? That’s why I asked you “how can we change things as she wants to change but does not know how to overcome that way of thinking?”

I have read your posts about the double standard. Thanks for digging at length about the differences of sexual thinking of men and women. I was partly aware of that and helped me to understand better women’s behavior compared to men’s.

Chris said...

I would like an answer about my last comment from CoachSam.

CoachSam said...

Dear Chris,

Sorry for my delay in answering. The volume of people contacting me has increased and I want to do my best to answer everyone, but it does take some time and sometimes some research on my part.

It doesn’t sound abnormal to me that her sexual tastes don’t include your genitals. In my experience, it’s not uncommon for a woman to feel this way. Not all do, but some do. No one can do every sexual experience there is, and enjoy every one of them equally. Some things work better than others for each couple.

You asked, “How can we change things...” We can’t change anything. She has to have the desire to change and be willing to take the actions. You or I can offer suggestions, but change has to come from her. There is an old saying - “A man changed against his will is of the same opinion still.”

You can let her know that when she handles your genitals, it makes you feel loved and special and that it is how you express love. This will let her know that when she wants to make you feel this way, this is the best way to do it.

Be mindful however, that this is likely NOT how she gives and receives love. She’s not a man with breasts and a vagina. Therefore, you also should learn from her what she wants you to do for her to make her feel loved as well.

What she wants might not even be sexual in nature. She may feel love from you and sexual toward you when you take out the trash or play with the baby. It does nothing for you, but it can be as potent for her as her lovingly handling your genitals is for you.

I would caution you to be very careful not to judge your wife’s feelings about her body and your body, or give her any “If you loved me, then you’d…” statements. It’s important not to make her feel guilty, abnormal or pressured, since these feelings can cause problems in your relationship with her. Chances are she wants very badly to please you and to feel successful in this area. If she is criticized by you or if you lay down ultimatums, it could cause significant damage to your sexual relationship.

It sounds like she may have some body issues. I can’t know what she is experiencing unless I hear from her directly. At this juncture, I must suggest you plan to see an LDS marriage counselor if this is a significant issue that interferes with your intimacy and friendship.

I am not a therapist; I’m a coach. There is a difference between the two.

As a coach, I can help you as a couple plan a course of action, and hold you accountable for the steps you need take to get from Point A to Point B. When you reach a point in your progression where some past ideas or some past issues are keeping you or your spouse from moving forward (which I suspect in this situation), then it’s appropriate to take that one particular issue to a therapist.

Feel free to email me at if you would like a recommendation of a licensed LDS counselor in your area. If it would be more convenient to talk to someone over the phone or by Internet, I can give you referrals there as well.

Good luck to you both.

Chris said...

Thanks CoachSam for your viewpoint on that matter. You are right in the sense that I cannot change things if someone does not want to change. I will hint to her what you said, next time we have a sexual intimacy. I am aware of the positive attitude I should have with her concerning her body. I make sure I tell her regularly that I love every centimeter of it the way it is now, because this is in fact the way I truly feel.I respect her way of thinking (that's why I have been talking to you instead, on how to help her overcome these negative she has effectively body issues) And, like I have suggested a while ago, we are very much in love with each other and we do have a wonderful sexual relationship a part from that issue. That's not a big deal to the point of going to a therapist as this is not a significant issue that interferes with our intimacy and friendship. I just wanted to know if there is anyway to help her overcome those negative feelings she has and you gave me an excellent idea by the way I should formulate my feelings next time she touches me. Thanks for your insight.

Anonymous said...

Regarding the clip on SSRI meds... I have been using this kind on meds (Paroxetin) for 12 years now (except for a few periods where I wanted to see how life would feel without them).

When it comes to their effects on a persons sex life, I guess that may vary for different individuals - for me I can't find that they have any effect on my desire or drive to have sex, but they do cause quite a bit of decrease in physical sensitivity especially during the initial period of use.

If I go off them, it will take at least a couple of months before their effect is fully out of my system, but after that, physical sensitivity seems to be back to normal.

CoachSam said...

Thank you Anon Oct. 13.

The experience you shared is very helpful. I greatly appreciate you sharing your insight. :0)