marriage bed symbol

marriage bed symbol

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Reply to email about what's allowed sexually in marriage

In reply to your question kg6mvx:
"Is it possible that some expressions of sexuality are wholesome and loving between one couple, but not another?"

Indeed it is! :0) We have been counseled to live by the Spirit of the law and not the letter of the law. This is especially true when it comes to sexuality between a husband and wife. Husbands and wives are free to make decisions sexually as a couple. We learn about these types of decisions  through the example of Adam and Eve. God gave them commandments, but he also gave them the ability to choose. The choices may have come with consequences, but it wasn't necessarily a bad choice. The important thing was that they did their best to follow the Spirit and make the choice together. 

When I was a newlywed, my wife and I were the members who had been raised on the "thou shalt not" version of the law of chastity, but were never taught what was okay to do in marriage. Being newly married, we thought " what?" What is okay sexually and what isn't?

My stake president at the time was in my ward. He was an elderly gentleman who had been a member his whole life. When it came to law of chastity issues, he had seen it all. He is now a mission president.

Anyhow, I expressed my concern about not knowing which resources were ok to teach us about sexuality and not knowing what is okay and not okay in marriage. He told me, " We cannot tell you what you can or cannot do sexually in your marriage. Learn it, try it out,. If you as a couple spiritually feel good about it - it's okay. If you don't feel spiritually good about it or if it drives you apart, don't do it anymore." We're still worthy because we practiced it in marriage. Unworthiness comes when we know it's wrong and continue to do it.

Do be aware that what doesn't work for one couple doesn't mean it won't work for another. I believe this is why we don't have a letter of the law on this issue. People are individuals. Each are unique physically, are at different levels of progression and have different needs. As an example to illustrate this, I hate eating liver. It's repulsive to me, but for others they may love it. I believe we can look at sex in marriage the same way. I believe we don't need to make sex in marriage an ethnocentric issue - believing that what is good for you is good for everybody as well, or that your way is always the best way.

The nice thing is, if a certain practice done in marriage feels wrong, it's between you and the lord. You don't have to confess to your bishop. Sexual transgression to be confessed to your bishop are those done outside of those with our spouse.

Having clear resources on how to have sex - from LDS resources - wouldn't hurt either.  There's too much porn out there disguised as sex education material. I and other members are working on remedying that however. :0)


Anonymous said...

I, for one, am glad that you, and other LDS bloggers, are discussing these issues and helping others that are struggling with these questions.

Good job!

CoachSam said...

Thank you for reading. I'm glad you found this information helpful to your marriage.

Coach Sam Zaragoza

Anonymous said...

I was told in a fireside that if you can pray as a couple after you have sex, then what you did was right and good. And vise versa.

Anonymous said...

Anon 12:18, generally, this is sound advice. However, there are some people who have such sexual hang-ups that they manage to feel guilty when they enjoy sex, even when they have done nothing wrong. Or, they may have experimented with something a bit different, but felt that it was too carnal.

Unfortunately, there are many people that suffer from these types of thought processes, which prevents them from embracing their sexuality, and thus harming their sexual relationship with their spouse. Such statements can aggrevate the efforts of many couples that may be dealing with this issue. I agree that the statement, generally, is sound - but for some it will cause additional grief.

It is kind of like the statement that was made by the First Presidency many years ago, which said something to the effect: "if something troubles you enough that you should inquire about it, then it is probably best to discontinue the practice." Unfortunately, there are far too many members of the Church that suffer with the "Good Girl/Boy Syndrome". If they feel guilty about having sex, other than for the purpose of procreation, then should they discontinue sex after they are done having children? The above statement would validate their improper thinking.

CoachSam said...

Well said. There's many who have posed the same issue you just did. The quote you're referring to by the General Authorities is a quote from the apocryphal "oral sex" letter that was never made into official Church doctrine. You can read more about this in my blogs (2 of them) on oral sex.

I'd just like to clarify a bit about that particular quote. To ask about a practice you're not sure of does not make the practice itself generally wrong or improper. Sometimes it's a matter of readiness. All couples are at different levels of closeness, levels of sexual development, etc. Each couple has to work out what works for them. It's not possible to issue a blanket statement that covers everyone. If a person has concerns about a specific practice or feels it's wrong, then they should discontinue it...until they learn more about it, and what it takes to practice it successfully as a couple. Do they need better communication skills? Do they need a physical exam for someone? Do they need some counseling? Do they need some sex instruction? Is it something one of them is just not comfortable with? Ask each other why. All of this is part of having sex with each other...not just the act itself, but working out the difficulties involved in the act.
This is the kind of "sexploration" every married couple should undertake to have a healthy, fulfilling, and eternally-lasting marriage.

Anonymous said...

thank you so much for your comments, replys, and for this blog. I have been troubled for a long time, and I suffer from the "good girl syndrome," and I have come to realize that about myself. This blog has helped educate me and I feel like a huge burden has been taken off my shoulders. Education within the proper boundaries is so important. Thank you thank you thank you.