marriage bed symbol

marriage bed symbol

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Eight Facts About The Clitoris

 WARNING: This post contains a topic of a sacred sexual nature and is intended for married readers only. Those who are currently unmarried are advised to keep to the standards of the Church and refrain from reading the married sexual instruction that follows.

I found this very helpful article written by Kyle Towers and Dr. Sadie Allison that I wanted to share for my professional quote this week. This article was too big to post on the LDS Marriage Bed Facebook page, so I’m posting it here on my blog.

It has been edited for an LDS audience, but if you want to read the original article, you can find the link below. Although, I also give my caveat that their version I found to be a bit profane.

“The clitoris is every woman’s — and smart lover’s — best friend. Yet proper education on its capabilities has eluded humanity until recently. In fact, it wasn’t until 1998 that the anatomy of the clitoris was properly mapped out.

Predominantly male scientists have long dismissed its existence, even removing it from anatomy diagrams. Which really makes you wonder… Why?

...Hopefully the following facts about this God-given organ, which solely exists for pleasure, will inspire married lovers to make it a focal point of foreplay.

1.  The Clitoris Has Two To Three Times More Nerve Endings Than The Penis

While this helps give pleasure to a wife during foreplay and sexual activity, it also might be why your clitoris is often too sensitive for direct contact. 

So be sure to inform your husband about how to touch or indirectly touch your clitoris, accordingly. This may require some experimentation and clear communication. Trial and error is part of the process, and you have all eternity to perfect it.

2.  Just Like Your Love For Each Other, It Never Stops Growing

Your clitoris can grow to be 2.5 times larger than it was when you were a teen.

3.  All Penises Started Out As A Clitoris

When we were ... embryos, we all had a vulva (what is commonly thought of as the vagina, but includes all the parts of a woman’s genitals). The embryos which had Y chromosomes and therefore became male, morphed their clitoris into a penis, and their outer labia into a pair of testicles.

4. Can a woman have an 'erection'? Yes, actually...she can.

Because the penis was formed out of a clitoris, both are made up of the same spongy tissue, which expands when aroused. So women, in a sense, can also have erections when aroused.

5. Clitorises Come In A Variety Of Different Colors

In fact, no two vulvas are alike. Which is kind of special in itself if you think about it. Each new bride has her own special vulva that she can share with her husband that is unique to what any other husband gets. 

This makes it extra sacred in my book.

6. A Clitoris Can Be The Same Size As Some Men’s Erect Penises

That’s right! The visible part of your clitoris is only the tip of the iceberg.

It’s actually 3-5 inches long, mostly positioned on the inside along the vaginal canal, and makes multiple forms of orgasm possible. This includes C-spot, G-Spot, A-Spot and even anal orgasm – which leads to the next advantage a woman has over men in having a clitoris.

7. Unlike Most Penises, a Woman's Clitoris Is Not A “One Hit Wonder”

The clitoris is capable of having multiple orgasms, because after an orgasm it retains most of its blood.

You may find that you need a little time to recover, because it becomes very sensitive directly after. But it bounces back, ready to orgasm again (and again, and again…) quite quickly.

8. Use It Or Lose It!

Didn’t you know? A clitoral orgasm a day, keeps the doctor away.

It’s incredibly rare, but there is a medical condition known as clitoral atrophy, which occurs when the clitoris doesn’t receive enough blood flow. This can cause the clitoris to retract into the body, or even result in the clitoral hood fusing to cover the clitoris head and shaft.

No, you don't have to use it literally every day, but do use it regularly, to keep it (and your marriage) healthy.”

~ by Kyle Towers and Dr. Sadie Allison (May 01, 2016) As edited by LDS Sex Coach Sam Zaragoza (8 Jaw Dropping Facts About The Clitoris)

Thursday, May 19, 2016

CTC Night - At Home: Peek A Boo

Happy Continue-The-Courtship Night all you married lovers out there.

Here is another fun one for those of us who are stuck at home, have small children, can't find a sitter, sitter backed out last minute, on a tight budget, or just house bound by the weather.

Depending on how big your bedroom is, you may want to use the whole house for this, but first - put the kids to bed early. It's just you two for at least 2 hours, and then you can let them out again.

Right now is just mama and papa time, or as I like to call it " Boyfriend and Girlfriend" time.

Tonight: Play hide and seek! Ladies get to hide first. When you find  your spouse, you get a kiss. Then switch.

For a little twist, get some Nerf guns, let her go hide, and play a Nerf version of paint ball. First person to hit the other gets a kiss, or gets to have the loser perform some other sexually  intimate reward, or gets to pick the next date! How about a bubble bath?

Happy Dating!

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Filters - Keeping out the evils that affect our marriages and lives

Today I’d like to talk to you about being pure in heart, and what that means for us on a day-to-day basis. My wife and I like to talk a lot about the ‘why’ of living the gospel, because finding out why you’re doing it, is what really puts the fun and the fire into living the gospel every day.

We decided one quiet Sunday morning to do some scripture study, and we looked up a Conference talk from 1973 by Gordon Hinckley, called ‘Opposing Evil’.

He talked about a young man he’d met with, who had been living in immorality, but now had serious questions about where his life was going.

He asked the young man how this change of heart had come about. The young man showed him a ring, that had belonged to his grandfather. That ring had come to his father, who had given it to him. One night, a friend of his remarked, ‘Whom will you give it to? I guess you’re the last one.’

He saw in that moment that he was on a road that was going nowhere. In his own words, he said ‘I was walking down a blind alley, where there is neither hope, nor light, nor future.’ And so the young man came to then-Elder Hinckley for help.

Gordon B. Hinckley then talks about the experiences this young man had had…the onslaught of immorality growing in the world around him in the mid-60s and early 70s, which we know from history and our own experiences were very turbulent times. There were references to evil in the theatre ads, in the newspaper, and in the mail around him as he thought about that young man. Today, we could include the Internet as well, as our computers often bring us the horrors, the violence and the immorality of the world on a daily basis, even in our social media. There’s no escaping it.

Decades before President Hinckley blessed us with the inspired words of The Proclamation to the World on the Family, he spoke even back then about evil finding its ways into our legislation and our courtrooms, and we’re living the results of that in even greater measure today than back then.

While we were reading through his talk, we came to his suggestions for combating the forces in the world. We read this paragraph, which said,

“It is a matter of more than passing interest that the Lord, as he spoke to the multitude on the Mount, included this marvelous declaration: “Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.” – Matthew 5:8

In that moment, both my wife and I realized that this promise from the Lord included more than the choice opportunity of being worthy to stand in the presence of God and seeing God’s face – something we all would desire, but for most of us, an event that feels far out of reach.

This promise also includes a blessing that we can claim right now – the blessing of being able to ‘see’ as God sees.

It’s like the filter for the air conditioner in a home. Air conditioning is vital to life here in a hot area like Texas in the summer. It’s vital that it functions well. If you remember, this spring was particularly heavy with allergens. I get horrible hay fever, so I feel it more than others. My eyes start burning, my face starts itching, my vision gets blurry. Every nerve ending is irritated, and my life becomes unbearable. Admittedly, I’m less easy to live with at times like this, at work or home.

This spring, we looked around our home, and we began to notice all the dust bunnies coming from our vents, covering our ceiling fans and our furniture and floor, and drifting through the air.

Recently, we had installed an air filter into our air conditioner – an expensive and heavy air filter designed to filter out the tiniest of allergens. We assumed it would last us for months. When we checked the air filter, we saw that it was already super-saturated with dust particles and allergens, so much so that it was not containing them anymore, and coming around the sides of the filter. As hard as it was being hit with undesirable particles, it could no longer contain all of them, and particles were getting through into our air.

What we came to realize was that we had to change our filter more often. As soon as we changed our air filter, I began to feel relief. Our home became a more breathable place. The irritations that were overwhelming my ability to focus on being more Christlike in my behavior went away or became more manageable, and I could interact more easily.

So what does all this have to do with being pure in heart?

Being pure in heart is like a having a home. The spiritual air filters on that home need to be maintained frequently in order to keep our views of ourselves and our surroundings pure and just.

So what’s getting through our filters?

What would a person who is exposed to heavy doses of sensational news articles see through their filter? They would ‘see’ violence and corruption and people who can’t be trusted, on a daily basis, instead of ‘seeing God’ in other people. They’re seeing the world’s perspectives, which may be correct, or may not.

What would a person who is exposed to profane erotic materials on a regular basis ‘see’? They would see lust and sexuality in everyone and everything, even in their young children. We all know tragic examples of this, sometimes in our own families. They’re seeing people as objects, instead of seeing them as children of God, and are comfortable treating them as such.

Without changing the spiritual filter in our lives, we only see what the world is constantly flowing through – the idea that people are objects to be used, that people are angry and hateful, or that people want to take advantage of us and deceive us for their ends, people who will never trust you, or that you’re unlovable or unforgivable.

Without changing the filter, we start seeing other people this way. We start seeing our spouses and children this way, then our Church leaders and fellow Saints. This leads to discontent, mistrust, contention, broken vows, broken homes, broken lives, apostasy, and worse.

On the other hand, those who make the effort to keep that filter through which they see the world clean, who willfully keep themselves ‘pure’ in their hearts, will ‘see God’ in everyone and everything. They will understand that when they are serving each other, they are only serving God.

They will understand the parable of the sheep and the goats that Christ gave, when he replied to the people who asked when they had served Him, and He told them that ‘…inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.’ They will see the child of God in each person they encounter, and treat them as such, without hesitation or resentment of any kind.

We can’t assume that, just because we’ve been baptized, or that we’ve been a member of the Church for years, or even all our lives, that that filter is permanently clean. You can’t repent once and think you’re done. You can’t read the Book of Mormon once all the way through and think your testimony will last you a lifetime.  

Maintaining that ‘eternal perspective’ (like the air conditioner) is something we have to deliberately do monthly, weekly, daily, even hourly or moment to moment in more taxing times. Additionally, the daily and weekly filters have to be maintained before other filters will work optimally as well.

Let me illustrate by giving you a recommended spiritual maintenance schedule.

For filtering the largest worldly influence particles, moment to moment and sometimes hourly, we need to use prayer and repentance. Alma emphasized the importance of this filter when he said to Zeezrom and the other people of Ammonihah, ‘…humble yourselves before the Lord, and call on his holy name, and watch and pray continually, that ye may not be tempted above that which ye can bear...’.

When we allow our filter to become saturated with the dirt, filth and lies of the world and we are breathing in a temporal perspective, temptations become increasingly hard to bear, and we are easily overcome. If we fail at this level of filtration, our worthiness can be affected, and the other finer filters I’m about to discuss will lose their effectiveness. The other finer filters are not strong enough to keep the largest particles at bay.

Our daily filter is our scripture study, both alone and with others. Scriptures are a way of putting on the mind and will of God, and helps filter out worldly perspectives and godless belief systems.

Studying any topic, combined with the scriptures, gives us greater insights into what is being taught to us as ‘truth’. Combining prayer and scriptures with others is a powerful way of receiving direction and revelation in our lives, whether it be family scripture study, or seminary or institute classes. I always compare my textbooks to the scriptures. Often, the textbooks are written purely from a professor’s perspective, and one professor may teach one thing and another may teach something completely different on the same topic, and both claim to be truth. Without the scriptures, I would find myself lost in a sea of ideas. I often feel bad for other students who don’t have the gospel’s filters, and have to rely on whatever ideas are given to them as reality.

If we’re not reading scriptures, our ability to receive revelation can become twisted or misled. We can be easily pulled off course by one idea or another from TV, movies or other media or cultural expectations, and lose our bearings very quickly.

All entertainment are morality plays, constructed from the belief systems of the writer, director or producer of the entertainment. Many of which can be subtle and not easily seen without the filter of scriptures and the words of the living prophets. The other finer filters become less effective; because the Lord cannot bring to our minds ideas we have never read or studied.

After the filters of prayer, ongoing repentance and regular scripture study during the week, taking the sacrament every week is our next layer of filtration. It renews our baptismal covenant and allows the Spirit of the Lord to flow pure and clean revelation in our lives, for ourselves and our loved ones.

If we take the sacrament unworthily, because we haven’t been maintaining the other filters, our spiritual progression becomes clogged – hindering the Spirit’s flow of inspiration and guidance in our lives and any benefit that could have come from that.

Sacrament Meeting is the most important meeting, to renew this important spiritual filter. If we ignore it, or don’t utilize this important filter, there will be an undesirable result.

As Elder Oaks said in last Conference, “If the emblems of the sacrament are being passed and you are texting or whispering or playing video games or doing anything else to deny yourself essential spiritual food, you are severing your spiritual roots and moving yourself toward ‘stony ground’. You are making yourself vulnerable to withering away when you encounter tribulation like isolation, intimidation, or ridicule.”

When I was on my mission, those missionaries who struggled the most in working with nonmembers or other missionaries who challenged their testimonies were those who didn’t maintain the filters of prayer, repentance, scripture study, and sacrament before or during their mission. The successful missionary is the one who maintains their spiritual filters day by day, over years of preparation.

And what about temple attendance, for those of us who have current temple recommends? Temple attendance can be a powerful fine filtration, that filters out the smallest particles of the world’s influence. But if your other filters are not working, your temple experience is tainted instead and not nearly what it should be.

You instead see the people and activities in the temple through a worldly filter. I’ve seen people attend the temple the first time, and they are either immediately solidified into firm activity. I’ve also seen people attend the temple and immediately go inactive, expressing fear or mistrust.

Why did this happen? I’ve wondered about this for years, and now I believe I understand. Those who did not have a good experience of the temple were not keeping their filters maintained. They were allowing temporal perspective to build up and build up until they were not ready for the temple, and their experience was colored as a result.

Without the larger particle filters doing their job, the finer more delicate filters had rocks thrown at it that punched through. The temple is not a catch-all filter and can quickly be overwhelmed by a worldly perspective if the other filters are not being updated regularly.

This is why it’s so important to prepare to attend such a sacred place as the temple. The Lord cannot give his greatest knowledge and blessings to those who are not prepared. Not that he doesn’t want to, but that a clogged filter won’t allow the pure air of the gospel to flow through.

Without a pure heart, we cannot ‘see God’, even if He was standing right in front of us. We would see Him, and the others around us in the temple, as the world sees Him, and us. Lustful, deceitful, malicious…whatever our filters are letting through.

Keeping these filters clean also affects our service in the Church. Do we feel peace or resentment when asked to serve as a home or visiting teacher? Do we willingly give service when asked? Do we even notice when service is needed? Effective service in the Church and in our homes and communities is a result of properly maintained spiritual filters. Trying to give service without them appears instead difficult and painful.

Family Home Evening is a weekly gauge of how well our family’s spiritual filters are working. If we’re contentious with each other, or angry or resistant to spiritual things, are we saying prayers? Are we reading scriptures? Are we repenting often? Are we taking the Sacrament worthily? Are we attending the temple regularly? These are questions to ask ourselves when the gauge tells us something’s wrong.

In closing, I’d like to offer up a little piece of the fictional story of Jean Valjean from Les Miserables. Jean Valjean was a convict who was imprisoned for many years for stealing a loaf of bread to feed a starving family.

After being steeped for decades in prison culture, he saw himself through the temporal filter of being a criminal, and others treated him as such. One day he came to a church, where a priest took him in and offered him shelter and food.

True to his own filter, he stole the priest’s silverware to sell for money. He was caught by the local police and brought back. The police were also living from a worldly filter of ‘once a criminal, always a criminal’. When the priest saw what he had done, he relied on a different filter – a clean, gospel-based one. He was able to see Valjean as a child of God, and see what he could become.

Instead of accusing Valjean as the others did, the priest instead told the police that he had given the silverware to Valjean, and admonished him that he had forgotten the silver candlesticks. The priest thanked the policemen, and asked them to let him go.

Valjean was struck with amazement that he wasn’t going to go back to jail, or that anyone would see him as anything other how he saw himself. The priest handed him the candlesticks, and told him that from this day forward, his soul belonged to God. He gave that perspective to Valjean. Valjean became a changed man forever, taking on the filter that the priest gave to him, and he was able to see others as children of God as well, and  found ways to help others in tragic circumstances, just as the priest had helped him.

In the words of President Hinckley, ‘We cannot hope to influence others in the direction of virtue unless we live lives of virtue. The example of our living will carry a greater influence than will all the preaching in which we might indulge. We cannot expect to lift others unless we stand on higher ground ourselves.”

We need to take responsibility for our lives, and change our filters regularly. Don’t take for granted that the filters of prayer, repentance, scripture study, sacrament, and Temple attendance are free, and easily accessible.  

Don’t think that you’ve done it once, and your spiritual air conditioner will work well forever. They clog fast.

Compared to the rest of the house, those little filters don’t seem like much, but they affect everything else in such tremendous ways. Those filters are the basic principles of the gospel, through which the fruits of the gospel come.

Maintain those filters regularly, so that our hearts will breathe free and clean and pure, so that we can ‘see God’ in the world, and in each other.

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Secret Sexual Sins in Marriage - Conclusion

WARNING: This post contains a topic of a sacred sexual nature and is intended for married couples only. Reader discretion is advised.
If you missed part [1] , [2] [3], [4],  [5] , or [6] you can go back to any of them here.

 So how can we know if what our parents or church leaders are telling us about sexuality is gospel doctrine, and not a cultural myth?

Revisiting the Law of Chastity for Marriage 

The key is to seek out gospel knowledge for ourselves.[i] This knowledge comes directly from the scriptures, official church documents and the words of the living prophets over any other source - including well-meaning members, priesthood leaders, and even close family members. If what they say doesn't concur with the scriptures or the words spoken over the pulpit at General Conference, you are right to be suspicious.

Seek confirmation of anything you hear, or read, or see, if you're not sure. If you've been baptized and you're a worthy member, you have access to the Holy Ghost. He is the perfect conduit of truth.[ii] Do your homework and come to what you feel is a reasonable decision based on what you've found, and seek heavenly affirmation.[iii] 

Then take action. Live what you've learned, and watch for the fruits of the Spirit. 

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.” – Galatians 5:22-23

If you find more of those fruits in your life as a result of your actions, that's further verification that you're on the right track.

The law of chastity doesn’t disappear once we are married and sexually active with our spouses. We are still under covenant to control and channel those feelings in the direction of our spouse and no one else.
The guidelines we find in the For The Strength of Youth still apply. Having an authorized sexual channel open to those of us who are married is part of the guidelines, whereas those who are single do not. The only real difference is that, now we are married, we must learn how to properly use our sexuality in our marriages and the way the Lord wants us to. 

I talk about this in many of my articles, and will restate it here. When it comes to what a husband and wife do sexually with each other and in private sanctity, no one in the church can tell a husband and/or wife what they can or cannot do. The church’s leadership handbooks are very clear about this. 

There is a reason why it’s not spelled out in the scriptures, or in general conference talks, or in the leadership handbooks. It’s because the Lord knows that each marriage is unique. Because of this, there must be a spirit-of-the-law allowance made for sexuality in marriage. 

Like Adam and Eve’s crucible with the tree of knowledge, each married couple has the right to investigate and decide as a couple what works sexually and what doesn’t.

A good overall rule-of-thumb to use is this - if what you’re doing together sexually strengthens your friendship and edifies your marriage, it is holy to the Lord. If it doesn’t, stop what you’re doing, at least temporarily, and ‘get understanding’[iv]as to why this is.

So in a nutshell, to avoid “secret sexual sins”:
  • The ‘For The Strength of Youth’ guidelines still apply when we're married – no sexual relations outside of our marriage.
  • Get instruction or help when necessary.
  • Respect the mind, heart and feelings of our spouse
  • The Word of Wisdom applies to what we do sexually in marriage. Protect the spouse’s body as well as our own.
  • Don’t keep secrets (especially sexual secrets) from our spouses.
  • Learn and understand what sacred things are and how to have reverence for them. If we’re don’t have a correct sense of what’s sacred, we might as well be atheists. See Elder D. Todd Christofferson’s talk on “A Sense of the Sacred”[v]
  • It’s not too late to repent. Don’t let unrepented sexual transgressions stand in the way of keeping your eternal companion and your ability to have great sex into the eternities.

[i] Oaks, Dallin H., Testimony, General Conference, April 2008.,

[ii] Moroni 10:5 “…and by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things.”
[iii] D&C 9:7-9
[iv]  Proverbs 4    “Keep the commandments and live—With all your getting, get understanding—Go not in the way of evil men.”

[v] Christofferson, D. Todd, A Sense of the Sacred, BYU Speeches, Nov. 2004.,

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Secret Sexual Sins in Marriage - Part 6

WARNING: This post contains a topic of a sacred sexual nature and is intended for married couples only. Reader discretion is advised.
If you missed part [1] , [2] [3], [4], or [5] you can go back to any of them here.

This is our continuing discussion concerning President Kimball's thoughts on 'secret sexual sins in marriage', as he wrote about in The Miracle of Forgiveness

So far, we've discussed what some of those 'secret sexual sins' might be - what could be a sexual sin inside of marriage? It's an intriguing question, and some of my thoughts on what these might be have been addressed in the previous articles linked above.

Some further thoughts I have are regarding...

Secrets and Selfishness
The last scripture used in this section of The Miracle of Forgiveness directly referenced with the phrase ‘secret sexual sins’ was a scripture directed to Emma Smith, as the Lord was introducing the practice of plural marriage to Joseph and Emma: 
"And let mine handmaid, Emma Smith, receive all those that have been given unto my servant Joseph, and who are virtuous and pure before me; and those who are not pure, and have said they were pure, shall be destroyed, saith the Lord God." (D&C 132:52.)
To give some context to what is happening here in this scripture, the Lord was encouraging Emma to accept those who were being given to Joseph as plural wives. The Lord was giving an added protection to her (since she was in the more vulnerable position of the two) that if any of the new wives lied about their worthiness to enter into this marriage, the Lord would destroy them. In case any are still confused, by ‘virtuous and pure’, the Lord meant sexual purity. 

If any of the women who had agreed to be sealed to Joseph had been involved in immoral sexual activity, and then told Joseph they were clean and worthy, they would be in hot water with God. The protection for Emma was that promiscuity ran the risk of spreading sexually transmitted diseases as well as creating other psychological and relationship issues. 

Syphilis and other sexually transmitted diseases were around during Joseph Smith’s time and often incapacitating or deadly.[i] The church was small, but it was growing.  The people coming into the church were from all walks of life, and their background and family history was not always known to the local members. Where the women were concerned, previous involvement in prostitution was a very real possibility. So this was a clear protection provided for Emma and the sacrifice she was making to be obedient to the Lord.

So what does that have to do with us today, in our marriages?

Lying about or failing to disclose information about previous sexual transgressions to a potential spouse could be considered one of the “secret sexual sins” President Kimball was referring to, based on the context of this scripture. Engaging in immoral behavior after marriage and trying to hide it from a spouse could also count as a secret sexual sin.

As the scripture suggests, this is especially serious if a couple are entering into a sealing covenant in the temple and one or both enter into the covenant and have unrepented sexual sins.

Not only could this lead to an invalid sealing covenant, but it’s also selfish by not disclosing sexual transgressions that could potentially harm the new husband or wife, or not give them the opportunity to make an informed decision on their marriage based on knowing the whole situation. 

If we carry unrepentant sin into the temple, and into our marriages, it can destroy us.[ii] If we try to keep sexual secrets from our spouses after marriage, the wedge it drives between you is not worth the effort to keep the secret.[iii]

Being unworthy ourselves denies promised eternal blessings to both spouses. We should repent quickly to free ourselves from such burdens.

There are no acceptable secrets in a marriage – at least, there shouldn’t be. The health of any given marriage relationship often correlates with how open a couple can be with each other (with kindness and respect) in every area of life, including sex.[iv]

[i] For some historical background on this issues, see Jackson, April L. The History of Prostitution Reform in the United States. Thesis. University of Tennessee Knoxville. May 2004:

[ii]1 Corinthians 3:17; also see Packer, Boyd K. ”Ye Are the Temple of God”, October 2000 General Conference,
[iii] Monson, Thomas, “Hidden Wedges”, April 2002 Conference:

[iv] See my article on secrets in a marriage, and how it can be a killer to a relationship: