marriage bed symbol

marriage bed symbol

Thursday, February 4, 2016

CTC Night - At Home: A Lovely Secret Treasure

Happy continue the courtship night.

This weeks idea: surprise your spouse with a treasure hunt. 

Make a set clues and try rhyming the clues for fun. Each clue should leadto the next one and, finally, to the treasure.

Seal the clues in envelopes or in treats or prized that each clue leads them to. These can be a small toy, an IOU for a movie or romantic bath or date of their choice, a small box of chocolate, maybe a cache of coins (regular or chocolate); whatever you do make sure the clues lead to the bedroom.

Once they reach their final clue in the bedroom, let that be whatever your spouse has been longing for - a foot rub, letting them try out something intimate they've been dying to try with you, cuddle time, reading them a fun story, or watching a romantic drama.

You can also make it a full blown out candles, rose petals on the bed, music - the works!

Happy Dating!




Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Husbands Notice Other Women For A Good Reason



Should a wife be offended if her husband notices another woman is attractive?

To defeat an enemy, we have to understand and know the enemy. Sometimes this may mean a husband knowing the enemy even better than he knows himself. Moroni in the Book of Mormon, and Joshua in the Old Testament, used spies to gain information about the movements of the enemy and plan a strategy for success.[i]

I hope that I can be a spy for my readers in the battle of good and evil in this regard, to help your marriages succeed eternally by defeating the enemy of our souls and eternal marriages.

Yes, men notice women, even when the most faithful of men are married . To understand why men do this, we have to take a closer look at the differences between women’s and men’s genetic and biological make-up. Although women are not immune from their procreative powers start tingling when it senses a good genetic match passing by.

Women have a limited number of eggs for reproduction within her lifetime.[ii] In addition, through natural biological processes, she loses them rapidly. For this reason, she is bodily inclined to be selective about who she chooses as a mate. She is also generally inclined to bond to and stay faithful to one man her whole life. However, even this has its own set of rules that can create exceptions to the rule. For example, cultural upbringing and exposure can also make a woman override these feelings according to the norms of her particular ethnic group.

In contrast, men produce billions of sperm in their lifetime and can father children until the day they die. According to Dr. Helen Fisher[iii], ancestrally, men were never inclined to be monogamous. For this reason, men are genetically and biologically inclined to reproduce with as many females as possible. Just as cultural exposure and training can change how a woman responds, a man can also learn to override these natural impulses and live a monogamous life if he chooses.

The prevalent cultural belief that, a man only loves one woman his whole life and if he doesn’t, he never truly loved her…is romantic nonsense.

It comes from the idea that men share the same natural inclinations as women. Stereotypically, this idea can be found in romance novels. Many of these novels are written by women, who project their own female perspectives to create their idea of the “perfect man”. This “perfect man” can sometimes seem more like a woman in how he thinks and responds than does an actual man. If a woman chooses to indulge in romance stories, it would benefit her to understand that this dynamic exists, and be careful not to compare actual men to fictional characters.

Men can also get caught in this problematic assumption, when he thinks a woman shares the same sex drives and desires as he does. In most cases, she does not, and popular stories or films designed to appeal to men can exacerbate this perception by portraying women that respond to sexual stimuli the same way he would, have the same sex drive he does, have the same focused goal oriented drive he does, and respond to a males advances in the way he would wish.

Both of these entertainments only lead to frustration when faced with a “real” person of the opposite sex and witness them respond as they are each biologically and spiritually designed to.

So what is the truth?

From the tips of our toes to the hair on our head, our bodies are organic reproduction machines. Our sexuality and sexual drives are not isolated to just our genitals. Our brain and all of our nerves and organs work in unison to push us to find and select a mate.

This includes our eyes. When a man “sees” a woman, before he can even consciously think about it, the image is sent immediately to the limbic system in his brain.

Here the image is processed, to begin determining whether or not that female would be good to reproduce with. In addition, this same limbic system gives him a shot of reward chemicals to keep him looking.

According to a study performed by Dr. Vladas Griskevicious, when a man sees an attractive woman, it takes an average of 3.2 seconds for that image to pass through the limbic system of the brain and be processed by the higher decision-making part of the brain.[iv]

From there, he has to consciously decide each and every time if he will or won’t follow through on the reproduction prompting given by his limbic brain.

This means that he has to consciously choose to abandon the thought of going after that woman and to stay faithful to his wife. This is a constant struggle for most men their whole lives.

This is another reason we are stressed to stay away from profane erotic videos and images. These are designed to appeal to the natural inclinations of men to constantly find a new mate and spread his DNA (Fisher, 2009) Staying away from “profane” erotica helps him stay focused on you – his “sacred” erotica.[v]

How should a wife best respond when she sees her husband’s eyes wander?

Be honest with him if this hurts your feelings, but also keep in mind that we are bombarded with many such thoughts every day, and men tend to be more sensitive to sexual stimuli around them than women are, due to their higher levels of testosterone.

Encourage him to talk about the temptations he’s experiencing. It helps to release the temptation, and make it easier to bear, when spouses bear it together. It’s no secret that when we bring dark things into the light, they lose their power.

Most of all, when you see him notice another woman, count four seconds. This is how long his initial instincts take to get to the executive or decision making part of his brain. When his decision-making part of his brain kicks in, does he come back to you after that? If he does, congratulate him for making good decisions. Know in your heart that he still chooses you every day.

What could be more romantic than that?

How can a husband respond when he finds himself with wandering eyes and heart?

Don’t be too hard on yourself. Temptations enter our minds all the time, but temptation should not be entertained for long.[vi]  If your wife is able, share what you’re feeling. Don’t try to hide it. Honesty will help her trust that you’re going to stick around.

When you experience a temptation, go out of your way to show some extra love to your wife. What is her love language? [vii] If you know what her love language is, do something that makes her feel particularly loved and cared for. If you don’t know, hit them all until something works.

Make sure you’re still dating each other every week, even when you don’t feel like it. Building those memories will strengthen you both against temptations. Being married is no guarantee against temptation by itself. You must still woo and win your wife, even after the ceremony, if you want love to last.

Continuing to deliberately put energy into your marriage instead of dissipating your emotional energy with many strangers will pay off in great dividends, and help temptations to lessen somewhat over time.


“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it” Eph. 5:25



[i] Joshua 2:1; Alma 43:28
[ii] Warner, Jennifer (2004), Animal Study Shows Mammals Have a Reserve of Egg-Producing Follicles. Reviewed by Brunilda Nazario, MD, http://www.webmd.com/infertility-and-reproduction/news/20040310/women-not-born-lifetime-eggs

[iii] Andreae, Simon, Younger, James, Winslow, Susan, The Science of sex Appeal (2009), Production company The Incubator, Distributed by The Discovery Channel (2008)
[iv] Production Company: The Incubator; Distributor: The Discovery Channel, The Science of Lust (2011)
[v] Zaragoza, Samuel, Mormon’s Take Pleasure In Sacred Erotica, http://ldsmarriagebed.blogspot.com/2013/09/mormons-take-pleasure-in-sacred-erotica.html

[vi]  Maxwell, Neal A. (April 1987), Overcome, Even As I Also Overcame.
[vii] Chapman, Gary D., The Five Love Languages, Northfield Publishing; Reprint edition (January 1, 2015)

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Sex Toys In The LDS Marriage Conclusion

 WARNING: This post contains a topic of a sacred sexual nature and is intended for married couples only. Reader discretion is advised.

 Click here in case you missed part [1], [2], [3] ,[4], [5], [6], [7] , [8], [9] and [10]


I don’t know how to use or handle sex toys safely.

This is another valid point. There are many different kinds to choose from, depending on what stimulation you’d like to try.

Don’t be afraid to try different kinds that look interesting to you. Some general safety guidelines concerning sex toys could be the following:

  • Make sure you clean them after each use.

  • Many toys are porous, which means they hold some body material after use. Toys that are used in the vaginal area should not be used in the anal area, because germs from the rectum and colon can stay on the toy, and then be introduced into the vaginal area allowing harmful bacteria the chance to overwhelm and cause irreversible damage to the female reproductive system. This potentially can even lead to bacterial scarring of the fallopian tubes which can lead to sterility. This is a major word of wisdom issue. Either keep vaginal and  toys used in the rectum separate from each other, or use a condom on the toy when it’s being used in the anal area, to help keep things clean. 

Some of these marital intimacy aids are expensive. Here are some tips I found for keeping your intimate equipment properly cared for.

- Silicone toys: wash with soapy water. These clean easily. 

-Hard plastic toys: Don't get battery cases wet. If it has seames and grooves, use soapy water and a    toothbrush when cleaning.

 -Hard rubber toys:Use a cloth and soapy water to clean. You can use alcohol to sterilize, but do not use bleach.

- Cyberskin toys, you must use a condom on them. These are very porous and expensive. Even after use with a condom, wash them with light soapy solution (dish soap is fine), pat them dry and (only after you are sure they are completely dry) dust them with corn starch - don't put baby powder on them.

-On waterproof sex toys, be sure to check the "O" ring gasket on the battery compartment periodically and replace if necessary. You may be able to find replacements at your local hardware store. 

-Ben Wa Balls: Great for strengthening your kegel/PC muscles, but still need to be kept clean. These can just be washed with soapy water and pat or air dry.

- Silicone toys: These can be boiled to clean and sterilize. You can also wash them in your dishwasher.

For easiest cleanup and protection of you and your spouse, I highly recommend covering your sex toys with condoms during each use. This is not an endorsement, but most times you can get a handful of condoms for free in the lobby of planned parenthood. So don't think you have to spend a fortune on condoms.

  • Sex toys can attract young children and their natural curiosity can get them in trouble – if you’re going to keep sex toys in the house, keep them locked up or in another discreet hiding place.

  • As your kids get older, it’s all right to talk to your kids and let them know you have such devices in the house, and to tell them to keep away. Parents should periodically talk to their children about such topics, to help alleviate their curiosity and inform them about their own sexuality and the proper time and place to express those God-given feelings. Help them see sexuality as something not only sacred, but something to look forward to in marriage.

***
When it comes to sexuality in marriage, we need to be sure we’re basing beliefs on the true doctrines of the gospel, and not the wider worldly cultural beliefs that too often try to infiltrate and twist our lives and beliefs.

The Lord wants us to be happy together in marriage – not miserable, not living a half-life of no feeling or desire, and not living separately as roommates. While you’re taking steps toward becoming ‘one flesh’[i], consider if sex toys could be part of that exploration for your specific marriage.


[i] Genesis 2:24

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Sex Toys In The LDS Marriage Part 10 of 11

 WARNING: This post contains a topic of a sacred sexual nature and is intended for married couples only. Reader discretion is advised.
 
 Click here in case you missed part [1], [2], [3] ,[4], [5], [6], [7] , [8] and [9]

 I don’t feel safe buying a sex toy – I don’t want to go to an adult store and have someone see me, or get profane ads in the mail, or be exposed to unwanted profane images or materials online.

This is a valid concern, but there are a number of more discreet boutiques online now, that are at least Christian in nature, where a couple can investigate different toys and buy one without encountering profane pictures or materials. 

Simply Sweet Marriage (http://www.simplysweetmarriage.com/) is a good example of a place to start. A great feature about this website is (in addition to no profane images) they give a description of each marital intimacy aid, what it's for, and how it would be used. 
Or you can Google ‘Christian sex toys’ and find a wide variety of websites to safely peruse such as Covenant Spice,and The Pure Bed.

Even Amazon has sex toys available if you have your eye on one and want to see if you can get it cheaper. If you indicate to the buyer during the order that you want no sales flyers or advertising for additional products under any circumstances, you should have no trouble. 

I realize it's a big concern for parents to order something of a sexual nature on line only to have their children surprised later by flyers of a sexual nature arriving in the mail.  It’s in the vendor's best interest to honor their customers’ requests. They know that if they do not, customers will not buy from them again. If they do send mailings, be sure to let others know  in your online review. 

 The church however discourages patronizing these brick and mortar establishments and for good reason. To patronize these places would be supporting the profane erotic industry. I have found that many of these places have also been lax is allowing minors into their stores. 

“Avoid places where pornography is believed to exist.” A Church-produced pamphlet, How Can I Help in the Fight Against Pornography? (stock no. PXPC3751)

Should you as a couple decide to exercise your agency to visit a sex toy shop, pay cash. The store will use your credit card information or personal check information to mail you flyers or sell your address so other vendors can mail you sexual aid flyers. Also, be aware that these places are wall to wall images of profane nude images and many have a monitor up showing profane erotic films.

If your situation has a particular need or if you want a second opinion on a particular marital aid, or you would like help with recommendations, feel free to contact me personally by email, or instant message me on the LDS Marriage Bed Facebook page. Those conversations are kept confidential to protect the sanctity of your marital intimacy.

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Sex Toys In The LDS Marriage Part 9 of 11

 WARNING: This post contains a topic of a sacred sexual nature and is intended for married couples only. Reader discretion is advised.
 
 Click here in case you missed part [1], [2], [3] ,[4], [5], [6], [7] or [8]




My bishop (or other Church member/leader) has said that using sex toys will make us unworthy to enter the temple.

If a single person uses a vibrator to achieve an orgasm, that person needs to repent and regain their worthiness before the Lord. In addition to being a prurient breaking of the law of chastity, solo masturbation or masturbating when single is a habit that has been shown to have detrimental side effects to your marriage.

When a married person uses a toy or another sexual aid primarily instead of going to their spouse for sexual intimacy, this can create resentment and therefore does the opposite of what sex was intended for - to bring you closer together.

While the use of sex toys is not sinful in marriage by themselves, sex toys (like any other sexual practice or technique) can be used in a wrongful manner, including to hurt or damage our spouse’s body.

If we are forcing, guilting, or coercing our spouse into using sex toys when they would prefer not to, we can and should repent. Repentance means adjusting your approach, making restitution with yourself and your spouse and the Lord, and, if necessary, moving on. Don’t sweat it. Learning what works and what doesn’t sexually in your marriage is part of the game (and the fun, when you do find something that works for the both of you.)

If you bring a sexual concern about using sex toys to your Church leader, that leader is in all likelihood going to tell you to stop and not use them. It's important to understand what that counsel means, though. 

If the use of sex toys is in some way driving a couple apart instead of bringing them closer, then that couple needs to stop using sex toys (at least temporarily) until they’ve discovered the true source of their challenges and worked through it. 

It doesn't mean they should never use sex toys. It doesn't mean that no one should ever use sex toys. 

It means they should resolve any underlying concerns and issues that are keeping them from using them, if they're able. Until then, they should not use them.

For more thoughts on church leaders’ advice regarding married sexuality, see my blog entitled “Is the Bishop In Your Bedroom”[i].


[i] http://ldsmarriagebed.blogspot.com/2011/02/is-bishop-in-your-bedroom.html

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Sex Toys In The LDS Marriage Part 8 of 11

 WARNING: This post contains a topic of a sacred sexual nature and is intended for married couples only. Reader discretion is advised.
 
 Click here in case you missed part [1], [2], [3] ,[4], [5], [6],and [7]
 
What if my spouse starts to prefer the sex toy instead of having sex with me?

While toys are helpful and (let’s admit it) often just plain good marital fun, they cannot truly replace intimacy with a live human being in a loving interaction.[i]

Toys can stimulate the sensitive nerves that bring a person to orgasm, but they don’t do pillow talk. They don’t caress you lovingly. They don’t trigger those biochemical; ionic interactions that create the full experience of talking, touching, tasting, and sharing that is human intimacy.They also do not complete our sexual cycles that enable us to fulfill the full measure of our creations.

While you’ve satisfied one aspect of you (the body), a lot of other parts go unsatisfied if all you ever do is use a sex toy.

If this is a concern, it would be an excellent opportunity to have an open conversation about this with your spouse. Talk about what they or you may feel is missing from the relationship. Do they trust you with their feelings to let go and be vulnerable with you? Such conversations are sometimes difficult to have, but they are well worth the effort. Overcoming conflict together intensifies intimacy.

If the barrier is deeper than this, a marriage counselor can be helpful here. The rule of thumb here is that sex is supposed to be used as a tool to strengthen your eternal bond. Sex toys should be used to enhance that, not separate you or push you apart.


[i]“Should I Be Worried About My Wife and Her Dildo? (a secular reference, but has some useful advice about sexual communication between a man and a wife): http://sexuality.about.com/od/sexual_worries/a/wife_and_dildo.htm

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Sex Toys In The LDS Marriage Part 7 of 11

 WARNING: This post contains a topic of a sacred sexual nature and is intended for married couples only. Reader discretion is advised.
 
 
 Click here in case you missed part [1], [2], [3] ,[4], [5], and [6]

A husband or wife may also carry this belief with them:

Sex toys are immoral because they don’t assist in procreation.

Actually, they very much can be an aid in the procreation process.

Stimulation of the clitoris helps to prepare the vagina for sex. similar to the penis, when stimulated, the vaginal walls become engorged with blood. The vagina will also self-lubricate. This increases feeling for both the husband and wife when he inserts his penis. As arousal continues and if he has inserted himself, the vagina is self-adjusting. This means it adjusts to the shape,size and length of the husband’s penis. The cervix also moves down to meet the head of the penis.

If the wife is brought to orgasm (and she can have more than one), after he has released his semen, the cervix has been shown to engage in a dipping motion into the pool of semen at the back of the vagina. This is believed to help in the conception process.[i]

The chemical release of dopamine after ejaculation causes the husband to become very drowsy and briefly disoriented. Here is where a vibrator can come in handy to allow the wife to come to orgasm if the husband has already achieved one. It is during her orgasm when the dipping action takes place, which helps aid in the conception process.I find this debunks the idea of making sure "she comes first." If you're trying to conceive, it's actually more beneficial if he helps her orgasm second. 

Since his ability to obtain an erection has been spent, and his reward chemical release has temporarily disabled him, a sex toy can come in very handy here. He can use it on his wife, or he can hold her while she uses it on herself.

Procreation is not the only reason for married couples to be intimate with each other.[ii] If this were the case, the sex drive would naturally diminish in both healthy men and women (especially women) as the childbearing years ended…but this is not the case.

In many cases, women in particular often experience a heightened desire for having sex as they age. This can be especially true past menopause. Why would this happen if procreation were the only reason for having sex?

Dr. Helen Fisher teaches that this may be due to our ancestral natural selection biological make-up. A trait (particular to humans) where sex is not only used for procreation, but also as a way to keep the male around to help raise the children.[iii] From an eternal perspective, it is also a way the Lord has designed as a balm to help a couple cope with the challenges of marriage and to keep the couple together for all eternity.

Using sex toys shouldn’t be the only kind of sexual activity a couple has. We’ve been counseled to not have sex to the exclusion of activities that result in procreation. Having babies is still a vital function, and the Lord has commanded us to have children where age and health permit,[i] but that doesn’t mean that every intimate encounter has to be missionary position vaginal intercourse. Sex toys are certainly allowable as a tool in a married couple’s sexually intimate repertoire


[i] Packer, Boyd K. The Plan of Happiness, April 2015 Conference



[ii] “Marriage between a man and a woman is fundamental to the Lord’s doctrine and crucial to God’s eternal plan. Marriage between a man and a woman is God’s pattern for a fulness of life on earth and in heaven. God’s marriage pattern cannot be abused, misunderstood, or misconstrued.33 Not if you want true joy. God’s marriage pattern protects the sacred power of procreation and the joy of true marital intimacy.” – Russell M. Nelson, “Decisions For Eternity”, Ensign, Nov 2013, https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/decisions-for-eternity?lang=eng, (emphasis added)
[iii] Helen Fisher and Eric Meyers. “Science of the Sexes”, Discovery Channel Classics, Not Rated, 2008

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Sex Toys In The LDS Marriage Part 6 of 11



 WARNING: This post contains a topic of a sacred sexual nature and is intended for married couples only. Reader discretion is advised.

 Click here in case you missed part [1], [2], [3] ,[4] and [5]

Today we address this potential obstacle: 
 
Sex toys are for masturbating, and masturbation is against gospel doctrine.

The council in the Church that’s given against masturbation is directed to those who are single and in the context of outside of marriage, and is not necessarily aimed at those who are married. For more information, please  read the example I give of this in my article “From a distance: Masturbation in the LDS marriage”.[i]

As discussed previously, sex toys can also be used to perpetuate a solo masturbation habit in marriage, but this often is an abuse of sex toys. Toys should never replace sexual activity with your spouse – only facilitate it.

Mutual masturbation in marriage is not against gospel principles when used as a tool to bond you intimately as husband and wife. When used with this spirit of the law in mind, it is a wholesome exercise of our sacred procreative powers in the bounds the Lord has set.


[i] “From a Distance: Masturbation in the LDS Marriage”. One of many blogs regarding masturbation I have written, and very appropriate here: http://ldsmarriagebed.blogspot.com/2011/05/from-distance-masturbation-in-lds.html

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Sex Toys In The LDS Marriage - Part 5 of 11



WARNING: This post contains a topic of a sacred sexual nature and is intended for married couples only. Reader discretion is advised.
 
Click here in case you missed part [1], [2], [3] and [4]

This week we address the concern:

Sexual intercourse alone should be enough for any couple to be happy sexually. Sex toys are not needed, unless someone is addicted to profane erotica.

Sexual intercourse is not always sufficient, more specifically for women, to achieve an orgasm.

Some studies have found that as few as 25% of women are able to achieve orgasm strictly through intercourse and nothing else. In addition, (depending on her arousal and sexual response) it can take from 20 minutes to an hour for a woman to reach orgasm. There is nothing wrong with this. It requires loving consideration and patience on the husband’s part in order to give this loving gift to his wife.

However, (unless he is an athlete used to making hip thrust movements with a consistent speed and rhythm continuously for 45 minutes) many husbands may not have the physical stamina to keep up the physical movements that long. Also, the average man reaches orgasm within 2-7 minutes, which is not nearly enough time for women to be stimulated themselves.

Many sexual positions, including the popular missionary position, often provide insufficient stimulation to the woman’s clitoris.

While varying positions can sometimes help with this, most often women achieve more success with direct stimulation to the clitoris, either manually or with a vibrator or other sexually stimulating implement.

The more often a husband has sex and the more satiated he becomes over time, the longer it can also take him to have an orgasm. This can actually be beneficial in helping his wife come to orgasm, but if she orgasms before he does, then using a sex toy on him is also an option. However, when this happens, I usually advise that this is a good indicator that his body is telling him to take a break from sex for a day or two.

What about those who are elderly? Those who are disabled? Those who do not as yet feel confident in their ability to stimulate their spouse to an orgasm?

Are those couples unworthy of sexual pleasure in their marriage? For a husband who’s uncertain of how his wife’s body works, using a vibrator or another sex toy can greatly increase his self-confidence in the bedroom, and make her satisfaction a much easier achievement. In addition, it’s not only arousing for a husband, but also gives a tremendous boost to his ego when he learns that he can give his wife that gift. It maintains its sanctity when a married couple keeps these things between themselves.

For those who would prefer to avoid sex toys and want to try manual stimulation techniques instead, there are some halfway-decent sources in the world for learning this, although they often come with images or content some may feel to be profane, depending on you or your spouse’s sensitivity. I don’t post such sacred things in an open blog, but I do provide information when asked for individually.

If you’d like more information on helpful techniques, please feel free to send me an email at samzaragoza@sbcglobal.net, or message me at my Facebook page, The LDS Marriage Bed (https://www.facebook.com/theldsmarriagebed/).

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Sex Toys In The LDS Marriage - Part 4 of 11



WARNING: This post contains a topic of a sacred sexual nature and is intended for married couples only. Reader discretion is advised.

 This blog is a continuation of a reader question found in Part One. Part Two and Part Three are available here. Today we're discussing another concern that may arise when considering the use of sex toys in a marriage:


My spouse may think I’m watching profane erotica, or addicted to profane erotica, if I suggest sex toys.

Using sex toys does not mean you are addicted to pornography (what I more accurately call profane erotica). I’ve not found anything of substance to support the idea that sex toys lead to the use of profane erotica. When used appropriately, they can in fact be a very useful aid to intimacy and procreation, which I will discuss later.

If you fear bringing up the idea to your spouse, that’s a separate communication skill issue that can be addressed. Couples should feel safe and be friends enough to suggest something they’d like to try sexually, and discuss the possibility together without feeling fear of being judged or demeaned.

Dismissing an idea your spouse introduces can’t be done casually. Accusing a spouse of profane erotica use because they’re interested in trying out a sex toy or other sexual aid is an unfounded accusation. If one spouse has concerns, agree together that such concerns should be openly addressed and considered.

“No” may not always mean no. Sometimes a spouse just needs time to think about and warm up to the idea. Cultural ideas need to be examined in the light of day in order to be reconsidered, so give it time.

Brethren, if the idea is yours to share, may I suggest not dumping the idea on her as a “we’re going to do this.” Tell her, “There is something I’d like to try” and what it is. Give her a day or two to think about it. Allow her to think about and discuss the pros and cons. Remember, it may be her body you are introducing the sex toy into or on to. She wants to know it’s safe and moral to use.

Given an ultimatum in a decision with no time to think about it, anyone would say “no”.  Always give her a way out, with respect, and mean it. For example “If you don’t like it, or it’s uncomfortable at all, we’ll stop and I’ll get rid of it. I won’t be upset about the money. It’s supposed to be fun, and if it’s not fun, we won’t do it. Thank you for letting us try.” Sisters can introduce this idea to husbands in the same way.

Both men and women are sexual creatures, with strong sexual desires. This sexual drive in and of itself is not perverted or wrong in any way – God placed those desires within us so we would be motivated to marry, have children, and wish to be close to each other for all eternity. These are good and righteous desires.[i] Within marriage, we have the right to explore sexual possibilities and learn all we can about what’s available to us.

Sexuality does not belong to singles, or to those who make or participate in profane erotica, just because the world thinks it does. As a married couple, sex is your sacred birthright and a righteous rite within a marriage covenant. Just remember that your spouse’s body is still a temple and should be respected and protected. If the pleasure can’t be obtained without harming one or both of you in body or mind, it’s not worth it.


[i] “The desire to mate in humankind is constant and very strong. Our happiness in mortal life, our joy and exaltation are dependent upon how we respond to these persistent, compelling physical desires.” – Boyd K. Packer, “The Plan of Happiness’, Ensign, May 2015

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Sex Toys In The LDS Marriage - Part 3 of 11


WARNING: This post contains a topic of a sacred sexual nature and is intended for married couples only. Reader discretion is advised.

Continuing from part 2, below are more potential objections an LDS couple may encounter in regards to sex toys.

They’re a waste of money on nothing but frivolous pleasure.

Did you know that the human female clitoris (a very large forking nerve that travels around the vulva and extends to the anus) has no other purpose than to provide sexual pleasure to the woman?[i]



If God designed and implanted such an organ within the body, then clearly sexual pleasure has a purpose. Even if the Lord commands us to refrain from sexual activity before marriage – within marriage, pleasure has its proper and rightful place.[ii]

Sexual pleasure tends to facilitate personal connection between spouses, and toys can help enhance this connection and create variety for married couples who are interested in including them in intimate activities.

They’re shaped from other people’s sex organs, so it feels like we’re bringing other people into our sex life.

There are some molded toys that are shaped to look and feel very anatomically correct, but not all are made that way.

If you or your spouse are uncomfortable using realistic-looking sex toys, you still have a wide selection to choose from. Many of the Christian shops available online do not stock or sell such toys.


[i] Brotherson, Laura M. L.M.F.T, And They Were Not Ashamed (2004,43)
[ii] “Our natural affections are planted in us by the Spirit of God, for a wise purpose; and they are the very main-springs of life and happiness – they are the cement of all virtuous and heavenly society – they are the essence of charity, or love;…There is not a more pure and holy principle in existence than the affection which glows in the bosom of a virtuous man for his companion;…The fact is, God made man, male and female; he planted in their bosoms those affections which are calculated to promote their happiness and union.” Pratt, Parley P., “The Writings of Parley P. Pratt”, 52-53, as quoted in the Eternal Marriage Student Handbook, pg. 139-140

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Sex Toys In The LDS Marriage - part 2 of 11

- Continued from part 1

WARNING: This post contains a topic of a sacred sexual nature and is intended for married couples only. Reader discretion is advised.


The Lord doesn’t approve of sex toys. 

Within marriage, the Lord approves of sex and sexuality. Anytime a couple makes the effort to get closer and bond with each other, I believe the Lord’s influence is there, and He is helping them.[i]

As a youth, my seminary teacher taught us that when we come together as husband and wife to have sex (especially when trying to get pregnant) we can say a prayer together to invoke the Lord’s help. This made sense to me. After all, through our marriage covenant he is the third member of our marriage, and the covenant is a charge to “multiply and replenish the earth”[ii], He’s not going to be shocked that you’re having sex, and it’s in his best interest that you are successful in creating bodies for his spirit children.

If sex toys help a couple sexually achieve the full measure of their creation, help them develop a more fully realized sexual identity, and grow closer to each other as a married couple, how could the Lord not approve!?

Some may say that this argument could be used to justify viewing ‘pornography’ in marriage (if it makes us feel closer to each other and more sexual). But this only happens when a couple doesn’t understand what kinds of erotica are sacred, and what kinds are profane[iii]

All sacred sexuality is an inheritance of those who have entered into the marriage covenant, and who strive to keep those covenants. Those who are unmarried may have sexual activity, but they can never have the fullness of joy the Lord promises to those who utilize their sexuality as He would have them do.[iv]

[Be sure to look for part 3 next week] 

[i] “The lawful association of the sexes is ordained of God, not only as the sole means of race perpetuation, but for the development of the higher faculties and nobler traits of human nature, which the love-inspired companionship of man and woman alone can insure.” – President Joseph F. Smith, “Unchastity the Dominant Evil of the Age’, Improvement Era, June 1917, pg 739, as quoted in the Eternal Marriage Student Manual, pg. 139 (emphasis added)
[ii] Genesis 1:28
[iv] “Think of the promises that are made to you in the beautiful and glorious ceremony that is used in the marriage covenant of the temple. When two Latter-Day Saints are united together in marriage, promises are made to them concerning their offspring, that reach from eternity to eternity. They are promised that they shall have the power and the right to govern and control and administer salvation and exaltation and glory to their offspring worlds without end. And what offspring they do not have here, undoubtedly there will be opportunities to have them thereafter. What else could man wish? A man and a woman in the other life, having celestial bodies, free from sickness and disease, glorified and beautified beyond description, standing in the midst of their posterity, governing and controlling them, administering life, exaltation, and glory, worlds without end.” – Lorenzo Snow, Teachings of Lorenzo Snow, pg. 138, as quoted in the Eternal Marriage Student Manual, pg. 140.