LDS Doctrine or Cultural Myth? Only Skinny Bodies And Perfect Skin Are Sexy To Men

Answer: Cultural Myth

A reader writes:

“…My husband and I… have never really had issues in bed other than my insecurities about my post-baby body. 

He is so kind and genuine and has always told me that I am the most beautiful woman in the world and I try so hard to believe him, but I still can't see how he cannot be totally turned off by the extra weight I've put on.

Because I feel this way, I've been reluctant to be with him more than once a week, but I decided to put my faith in what he was saying and I made an effort to initiate sex more often. It was great until about a week ago when I surprised him when he came home...  

Without being too graphic, we had sex, but he never really got fully hard and I was left feeling humiliated like he wasn't able to get as hard as usual because he was turned off by seeing me during the day… 

I can't believe how many horrible thoughts have run through my head because of this, like maybe he has to trick himself and picture someone else in his mind in order to be turned on…Or I just disgust him and he wasn't able to fake his way through it.

These thoughts are conflicting with the thoughts I have that I know Satan is trying to destroy something sacred and beautiful, but then I keep coming back to the fact that my husband just did not seem attracted to me because he didn't seem physically turned on.

I would love it if you would be so kind as to walk me through the process of what goes on in a man's head when it comes to sex.  And I realize that you can't speak for all men, but with men being such visual creatures, is it really possible to see a woman with a stretched and saggy stomach as beautiful?”

~ Post-pregnant and unsure

Dear Unsure,

Thanks for reading…

A trip through a man’s head will be a journey to a foreign land, as you’ve no doubt already discovered. The same is true from a man’s perspective. It’s my belief that one of the reasons the Lord commands us to marry is to learn to live and love someone who is so different than us. It’s very challenging, and when you face and accept that challenge, also very rewarding.[i]

We may speak the same language, but the two sexes’ thought processes are not even close. Even after twenty years of marriage, I still shake my head at my wife’s perspective, and she doesn’t claim to understand me fully either…but we are getting better at walking in each other’s shoes as we learn to understand the other gender’s point of view and gender-specific language and meaning.

I haven’t spoken to your husband, of course, but I feel fairly confident that you can believe him when he says he still finds you attractive, even after the baby’s born. There are several reasons for this.

When a woman looks at her body, it’s with a microscope and a critical eye, enlarging every flaw and feeling terrible about it.[ii]  If you do this yourself, I would recommend that, in the words of Dieter F. Uchtdorf, you should ‘stop it’[iii]!

The media in our society feeds into this female mindset. If you pick up a magazine at the store, you see a parade of skinny, airbrushed women that often don’t even look like themselves anymore[iv]. This then is held up as the standard that women try to compare themselves to. It’s an unfair and unrealistic comparison, and it’s hard not to feel bad about the stretch marks, bruises, freckles and wrinkles that you can’t Photoshop away.

Our culture at large is tempting women to become more masculine – to work outside the home, to go to the gym and get rock-hard bodies because (they’re told) that’s what turns men on. If that’s not what the woman truly wants, they’re then subtly shamed into feeling bad about themselves.

Years and years ago, things were precisely the opposite in many societies, including the one ours was born from. Thinness was a sign of poverty, not plenty. The beautiful women were the ones that were soft and round and at least a little bit on the heavy side. May I suggest that you be aware of this current cultural mind-set, and examine your own beliefs? There are healthier and more realistic ways of relating to the sexes.[v]

The reality of the matter is, your body is amazing. It’s a gift from God that works for you and most of the time you don’t even have to think about it. You can abuse it with impunity for years, and yet often it continues to work for you. If you make even small token efforts to take care of it, you receive rich rewards in return.

Think about all the good it does – all the nurturing of children, friends and family. Weren’t you amazed at the process of the baby developing and of birth? It’s such a miracle. Your body can make other bodies for spirits in heaven that are eagerly waiting for them.

If you are a temple-going member (as I hope you are), think about all those spirits who are able to progress because you give service with your body where they have none. Your husband is probably extremely grateful for the sex you give him, and also probably doesn’t mind a little extra cushion. Men enjoy their comfort, and when they’re tired after a long day, a sweet, receptive and nurturing soft body to hold themselves against can be the most desirable thing a man can imagine.

How can you re-frame your current beliefs to help you feel sexy again? Think about this…

Astrophysicists tell us that our bodies are made of the same materials that the stars in the universe are made of.[vi]

Have you ever looked at your arms or legs – at all the scars and freckles and moles, and noticed how it looks a little like the night sky? Each mark and freckle looks like a star that makes up constellations in the cosmos that your body is made from.

Would you rather look at an empty night sky, or one that’s full of stars? There is beauty that a husband can see that is beyond the superficial standard that the media portrays or want you to believe that a husband can see. I find that most men are not that shallow. Give him a little more credit than that.

If you have stretch marks, have you noticed how much they resemble the beautiful stripes of a tiger? Or, maybe a laurel wreath, like the kinds that were given to Olympic champions in ancient times?

My wife bore me four beautiful children, and she wears those stretch marks like a laurel wreath of honor. To me they look so beautiful, because I know I helped give them to her and it’s something no other man can claim. To me they are a symbolic mark of the bond we share, the fulfillment of our temple covenant, and the children we bore and raised together. She is my queen and priestess, and she wears a laurel crown no one can take from her.

It’s very natural for a married woman to put on a few pounds after marriage – it’s part of psychologically relaxing into the relationship. Putting on a moderate amount of weight during childbearing can be protective for the baby’s development. As long as your health is good and you feel good, it’s nothing to be concerned about at all.[vii]

Women of a not-so-petite size are also models; they can be outright gorgeous. Would you say the singer Adele is not sexy, or Queen Latifah? I think many men would disagree with you if you don’t. How about Kate Winslet? She’s not super-skinny, and (post-baby) is still considered by many as one of the world’s most beautiful women.

How do you feel when you look at your body? Have you ever looked in a mirror naked, and considered all the things your body can do? How it can hug, and tickle, and arouse? How its different parts can comfort a baby, or a friend, or a husband? May I suggest thinking of what you like about your body, and focusing on that? Ask your husband what he likes about your body – he’ll probably find several things if you can’t. Write down 10 of these and, like a mantra, recite them to yourself each morning.

Every morning when you get dressed, think about those parts of your body that you like – not just what they look like, but what they can do. Make friends with your body. Talk to it. Thank it for all the good things it’s done, and continues to do for you. Ask it what it needs from you. You are an eternal team, not adversaries. Learn to work together with your body, and you may find yourself starting to feel more sexy over time.

Are you familiar with Laura Brotherson? I would recommend her book to you if you haven’t read it yet. It’s called “And They Were Not Ashamed”. She’s LDS, and her book is a great resource for women who struggle with issues of married sexuality.

She quotes a Dr. Michael Farnsworth, who is a professor at BYU-Idaho: 

  “Your sexuality is the relationship that you have with your own body. How you feel about it. Your femininity…Your affection. Your acceptance. It is not about the other person…it is about you.”

The simplest way I can walk you through what is going on in a man’s mind when it comes to sex is this: a man tends to look at his wife like a woman looks at a slice of cheesecake. He sees comfort, pleasure, happiness, joy, stress relief, and feels his senses get excited. It doesn’t matter what the cheesecake looks like, only what it represents to the primal, sexual part of his brain.

When his cognitive and spiritual part of his brain sees you, he sees a woman that he loves very, very much - and his deepest way of expressing that love is through sex. In his mind, he’s thinking you feel the same. 

I also believe the negative thoughts you were feeling about yourself were from the Adversary…no doubt about it. He’s found a way into your emotions through the sub-cultural beliefs you are carrying…beliefs that say your body has to be perfectly toned and taut in order to be attractive to a man.

May I suggest re-examining those beliefs? Where do they come from? What would be a more supportive belief you could develop? I hope some of what I’ve said here might help you do that.

In closing, let me offer this recent remark from Elder Jeffrey R. Holland:

“A woman not of our faith once wrote something to the effect that in her years of working with beautiful women she had seen several things they all had in common, and not one of them had anything to do with sizes and shapes.

She said the loveliest women she had known had a glow of health, a warm personality, a love of learning, stability of character, and integrity.

If we may add the sweet and gentle Spirit of the Lord carried by such a woman, then this describes the loveliness of women in any age or time, every element of which is emphasized in and attainable through the blessings of the gospel of Jesus Christ.”[viii]

All of that sounds pretty sexy to me. I don’t see why your husband wouldn’t see that as well.

I recommend patience with yourself. Take care of yourself, mentally, spiritually and physically the best you can; don’t overdo it. Do your best to enjoy your young family and your husband, and work on building and growing your relationship with them.

It sounds to me like you’re doing great. Once your children have all come and had a chance to get a little more independent, you’ll find that (if you wish) you’ll have time to get your body into the shape that makes you and your body feel good. No need to be in a hurry. Life is so very short and your time with your husband and children is fleeting and precious.

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[i] “The unique combination of spiritual, physical, mental, and emotional capacities of both males and females was needed to enact the plan of happiness. “Neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord” (1 Corinthians 11:11). The man and the woman are intended to learn from, strengthen, bless, and complete each other.” – David Bednar, “We Believe in Being Chaste”, April 2013 General Conference. Also see Mark Gungor’s blog, “The Divorce Myth Part II”, http://www.laughyourway.com/blog/the-divorce-myth-part-2/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+laughyourway+%28Laugh+Your+Way+to+a+Better+Marriage%29

[ii] “Dear sisters, many of you are endlessly compassionate and patient with the weaknesses of others. Please remember also to be compassionate and patient with yourself.” – Dieter Uchtdorf, “Forget Me Not”, October 2011 Conference. Also see Laura Brotherson’s comments on body image acceptance, pg. 237-238, in her book,  “And They Were Not Ashamed”

[iii][iii] Uchtdorf, Dieter. “The Merciful Obtain Mercy”, April 2012 General Conference, http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/04/the-merciful-obtain-mercy?lang=eng

[iv] Bonari, Alexis, “Even I Don’t Wake Up Looking Like Cindy Crawford”, Imperfect Woman, 30 Mar 2011, http://imperfectwomen.com/%E2%80%9Ceven-i-don%E2%80%99t-wake-up-looking-like-cindy-crawford%E2%80%9D/

[v] Rabbi Shumley Boteach, Kosher Sex, 2005, Fisher Brothers Media

[vi] Tyson, Neil deGrasse, as quoted in AwakenedAmerican.com, http://www.awakenedamerican.com/content/we-are-all-made-star-dust-we-are-all-one

[vii] Sifferlin, Alexandra, “Can You be Fat and Fit, or Thin and Unhealthy?”, Time.com, 5 Sep 2012, http://healthland.time.com/2012/09/05/can-you-be-fat-and-fit-or-thin-and-unhealthy/

“Gaining Weight Safely During Pregnancy”, WebMD, http://www.webmd.com/baby/guide/healthy-weight-gain

[viii] Holland, Jeffrey R. “To Young Women”, October 2005 General Conference, http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2005/10/to-young-women?lang=eng

LDS Doctrine or Cultural Myth: Are wet dreams a sin?

Members have occasionally expressed concern to me that wet dreams might be a sin. They would wake up after ejaculating during sleep and feel like they need to confess to their bishop

Answer: Cultural Myth

A wet dream is otherwise known in clinical terms as ‘nocturnal emissions’.

A man will have on average about five erections while they sleep at night. These happen during REM state, which is a deeper state of sleep. During this time, a person is normally not conscious of their surroundings. It is also during that state of sleep when a nocturnal emission would most likely occur.

A man’s testicles are an organic factory for creating millions of sperm. The life span of sperm is about 100 days.[i] Once the sperm have reached maturity in the testes, they await to be released through ejaculation.  If a husband’s sperm are not released through conscious means (such as sexual intercourse with his wife), after a period of time the body’s autonomic system will naturally evacuate these sperm to make way for new sperm or else absorb them back into the body.[ii] This is what happens when wet dreams occur.

Wet dreams are not harmful physically, mentally or spiritually. They are not any more harmful than the function of your bladder filling with urine. In addition, men can have nocturnal emissions all through their lives, though it’s most likely to happen during puberty. 

Is a wet dream then a sin before God, like masturbating to profane erotica?

In the Gospel Principles handbook, it says,

 “…Sometimes we sin because of ignorance, sometimes because of our weaknesses, and sometimes because of willful disobedience…

What is sin? James said, “To him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is sin” (James 4:17). John described sin as “all unrighteousness” (1 John 5:17) and “the transgression of the law” (1 John 5:17)”[iii]

According to these definitions, it suggests that we sin by making a conscious decision to do something that transgresses the laws of God, such as having sex outside of marriage. Whether or not we’ve been taught the law of chastity, taking the action still leads to consequences, but we are conscious and taking action.

By this definition, it would be impossible for a nocturnal emission to be a sin against God, because the man is not able to consciously take action.  

Even if there is a sexual dream in association when the wet dream takes place, no sin has been committed. Again, we would have to knowingly entertain those thoughts for them to enter into the realm of sin, and have the ability to make the conscious decision to change the mental subject.

In REM state, we are in a subconscious condition. We are not conscious enough of reality to make the decision that we are having an unwanted thought and then take steps to mentally change the subject. [iv]  REM state is also necessary for our overall mental health.

In the gospel library at www.lds.org, it gives this explanation of how the Church acknowledges wet dreams:

” In the boy, millions of sperm grow in the testicles within spermatic fluid. When the fluid and sperm fill the tubules and testes, they are automatically released or ejaculated. This usually happens during sleep and is called nocturnal emissions or “wet dreams.” Sexual dreams are not always present, but they can trigger a nocturnal emission or ejaculation. In either case this is not masturbation.”[v]

 If any of you are concerned that you or your spouse or child are sinning by having a wet dream, I hope you will take comfort in knowing that our natural bodily functions are part of God’s plan. I believe that in no way does a boy or man fall out of favor with the Lord through this biological transaction.

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[i] http://sci.rutgers.edu/forum/archive/index.php/t-94003.html

[ii] Royal Health Clinic http://www.royalhealthclinics.com/nocturnal_emission.html

[iii] Gospel Principles, Chapter 19, Repentance, pg. 197, Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, 2009, emphasis added

[iv] For more information on REM state, you can visit this site: http://alleydog.com/topics/consciousness_sleep.php

[v]  Gospel Library Support Materials, Teaching Adolescents from Twelve to Eighteen Years, Chapter 5, http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=265&sourceId=e6737befabc20110VgnVCM100000176f620a____&vgnextoid=198bf4b13819d110VgnVCM1000003a94610aRCRD

LDS Doctrine or Cultural Myth? Sex is for making children only

Is sex in marriage for procreation only, and doesn’t need to be continued once all your children are born?

Answer: Cultural Myth

I’ve come across many LDS members who have let their sex life die out of neglect, or purposefully stamped it out, after their children were born. This is a serious mistake to make, and is not supported by the doctrine of the apostles and prophets, old or new.

“It is the destiny of men and women to join together to make eternal family units. In the context of lawful marriage, the intimacy of sexual relations is right and divinely approved. There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself, for by that means men and women join in the process of creation and in an expression of love.”~ Spencer W. Kimball, The Lord’s Plan for Men and Women, Ensign, Oct. 1974, emphasis added

“Physical intimacy between husband and wife is beautiful and sacred. It is ordained of God for the creation of children and for the expression of love between husband and wife. God has commanded that sexual intimacy be reserved for marriage.”~Sexual Purity," For the Strength of Youth: Fulfilling Our Duty to God, (2001), emphasis added

The belief that sex is for procreation only, and should or will someday be eradicated entirely originates with the early Catholic beliefs that:

• the body is evil
• the day will come that we will be freed from our body and all these earthly desires, and
• we must discipline ourselves to not give in to any bodily desires under any circumstances if we are to obtain perfection.

These are not LDS doctrine. (For more information, see my article on “The Sexual Spectrum”)

Important as the function of procreation in marriage is, sex in marriage is good for much more than having children. It helps us (and peripherally, our children and grandchildren) to become more like our Heavenly Father.

“The lawful association of the sexes is ordained of God, not only for the sole means of race perpetuation, but for the development of the higher faculties and nobler traits of human nature, which the love-inspired companionship of man and woman alone can insure.” – Joseph F. Smith, as quoted in The Eternal Marriage Student Manual, p. 139, emphasis added

We don’t get the benefits of eternal marriage by simply pretending to be happily married while our husband or wife is miserable because they’re not getting any sexual intimacy. We must choose the path of happiness every day and go to work on it (2 Nephi 5:27). This includes sex with our spouse – for all of our married life; not just during the childbearing years.

Reader Question: Where is Eternal Marriage in the Bible?

I have received many questions on this same topic, so I felt it might be helpful to answer this reader’s question as an article:

Question: I am curious.. Where does the concept of the "eternal marriage" come from when it's obviously not from the scriptures of the Bible, since Christ explicitly implies the opposite in Matthew and the gospels stating "For in the Resurrection of the just the dead neither MARRY NOR ARE GIVEN IN MARRIAGE but are instead AS THE ANGELS (meaning sexless and unmarried LIKE the angels)?
The Apostle Paul also clearly states (when he is speaking regarding the future of "The Body of Christ") that there is no Jew nor Gentile, nor MALE NOR FEMALE in Christ, that they are ALL ONE!? I do understand what time frame Paul is talking about is regarding the consummation at the end of the future eon when quote "all things in heaven and earth will be gathered back under Christ's headship and then turned over to God the Father," because Paul and (Jesus Christ Himself) also talks about husband/wife relationships & Jews/Gentiles while "on the earth," yet he is clear these earthly/fleshly offices are abolished in the final eon.
Curious how the LDS doctrine of "eternal marriage" is supported by scripture from your viewpoint. Thanks for your time! 

~ John

Dear John March 8^th,

Thank you very much for reading and for your question.

You are absolutely correct. The Bible does not specifically talk about “eternal marriage.” I do believe the Bible to be the word of God and a very precious piece of scripture; however it is only one point of doctrine. This is why I don’t rely only on the Bible.

Matthew 22:30, the first scripture reference you mention, is a perfect example of this. If you read only this scripture alone, without cross-reference to other scriptures, or if you separate the verse from the others in the chapter, it’s pretty easy to come up with creative interpretations of what it means.

The Sadducees, who did not believe in resurrection and who were trying to trick Jesus into making a doctrinal mistake, gave Jesus a question about a man who died, leaving his wife childless. The man’s brother married the wife to raise up children to the Lord as the Mosaic law required, and then also died. She then married all the rest of his seven brothers, who each died in turn.

Their question to him was, ‘Who was going to be her husband in eternity?’

Jesus’ answer was that their marriages were not made by the proper authority, thus all of their marriages were no longer in force when they were dead. We don’t believe that this scripture refers to everyone’s state, but the state of those who marry outside of the Lord’s authority.

‘But it doesn’t specifically say that’ you say? That’s where cross-referencing scriptures becomes critical in order to determine true meaning.[i]

It’s part of our doctrine in the LDS Church that the priesthood authority given to Peter and the promise that ‘whatsoever thou shalt bind on earth shall be bound in heaven’[ii] refers to marriage, not only for the duration of mortality, but forever. That authority was restored to the earth through a visitation of Peter, James and John to the prophet Joseph Smith Jr. That priesthood power still exists on the earth today.

If a couple is married civilly, or by someone with authority from a college or another official body of men recognized by a legal authority, that couple is married until ‘death do they part’, but the legal body that performs the marriage does not have the authority to be legally recognized after death.

Marriage after this life would also be denied to those who have the opportunity to be married by the Lord’s priesthood authority in this life, but instead procrastinate or reject that opportunity. This, we believe, is what Jesus’ answer meant. [iii]

The second scripture that you referenced, which is Galatians 3:28, does not refer to marriage or a future time at all. It refers to equality in the Lord’s church (which is the ‘body of Christ’), and how everyone who comes and joins the Lord’s church holds equal importance in His eyes, according to our doctrine.

But this is my point…many of the verses in the Bible are so vague that they could be interpreted many different ways, and they usually are.

For example, I could use the following Bible scriptures to support my teachings about eternal marriage:

• Eccl 3:14 (refers to God’s authority being in effect in this life and the life to come)
• Matt 16:19 (God can give the authority to make a marriage last after this life),
• 1 Cor 11:11 (telling of the necessity for marriage in order for a man and woman to be exalted to God’s life)
• Eph 5:31 (regarding the commandment to marry)
• Matt 19:6 (when a man and woman marry, they are one family unit before the Lord, and should not be separated)
• 1 Cor 7:2 (this talks about the Lord’s law of chastity outside of marriage, and the necessity to marry to avoid fornication, which violates this law)
• 1 Tim 4:3 (marriage is part of God’s eternal plan – God doesn’t think in two-dimensional mortal terms, he thinks beyond mortality)  

However, a minister from another church could use these very same verses to support a completely different perspective.

Tad R. Callister of the Presidency of the Seventy talked about this recently:

“…why is the Book of Mormon so essential if we already have the Bible to teach us about Jesus Christ? Have you ever wondered why there are so many Christian churches in the world today when they obtain their doctrines from essentially the same Bible? It is because they interpret the Bible differently.

If they interpreted it the same, they would be the same church. This is not a condition the Lord desires, for the Apostle Paul declared that there is “one Lord, one faith, one baptism.” [iv] To help bring this oneness about, the Lord established a divine law of witnesses. Paul taught, “In the mouth of two or three witnesses shall every word be established.”[v]

The Bible is one witness of Jesus Christ; the Book of Mormon is another. Why is this second witness so crucial?

The following illustration may help: How many straight lines can you draw through a single point on a piece of paper? The answer is infinite. For a moment, suppose that single point represents the Bible and that hundreds of those straight lines drawn through that point represent different interpretations of the Bible and that each of those interpretations represents a different church.

What happens, however, if on that piece of paper there is a second point representing the Book of Mormon? How many straight lines could you draw between these two reference points: the Bible and the Book of Mormon? Only one. Only one interpretation of Christ’s doctrines survives the testimony of these two witnesses.

Again and again the Book of Mormon acts as a confirming, clarifying, unifying witness of the doctrines taught in the Bible so that there is only “one Lord, one faith, one baptism.” [vi]

In the 1800’s, the religious revivals in the New England area demonstrated how the Bible could support many different churches and beliefs. It was for this reason a 14-year-old boy from that era named Joseph Smith, Jr. went into a grove of trees to ask God which of all the churches he should join. God answered Joseph’s prayer as promised when he read James 1:5. [vii]

Even though he wasn’t perfect and made human errors, it was because of that boy’s faith and that prayer that we now have additional scripture and a living prophet today.

If I only had the Bible to refer to, I absolutely could not teach the doctrine of eternal marriage. When you have two or more scriptures supporting the same principle, it helps solidify that principle as a truth you can trust to follow.

I also believe in and use the Book of Mormon, Doctrine and Covenants, The Pearl of Great Price, and the teachings of living modern-day prophets who have authority directly from God to speak for him.

Section 131 and 132 in the Doctrine and Covenants talk about what God’s plan is for us in regards to marriage. It also cross-references with the Bible and Book of Mormon to demonstrate that the policy surrounding eternal marriage is what was intended in those verses.

If you don’t believe that these are true scriptures and are unwilling to find out for yourself if these scripture are truth and that our prophets are the real deal, then anything I say, do, or share with you here is irrelevant.

There are plenty of ministers, therapists and Christian marriage counselors out there who will be willing to teach you only from the Bible. I’m here because there are many who do believe these additional scriptures are true and that we have a living prophet today. I’m here to provide a place to discuss how these beliefs and scriptures can help us understand and enhance our intimacy with our spouses, and help us get in the habit of living like our marriages will last forever. We do believe they can.

Anyone is welcome here. However, please understand that my articles and discussions here are intended for the members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and those that also believe these additional scriptures are the word of God.

I hope that you will stay curious; curiosity is great. I am always here to answer any questions about LDS marriage and married sexuality that you may have.

Sincerely,

Sam Zaragoza (Coach Sam)

LDS Marital Intimacy Coach

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[i] See Matthew 18:16 “…in the mouth of two or three witnesses (in this case, two or more scriptures) shall every word be established.”

[ii] Matthew16:19

[iii] Doctrine and Covenants section 131 and 132

[iv] Ephesians 4:5

[v] 2 Corinthians 13:1

[vi] Callister, Tad R., Oct 2012 General Conference, The Book of Mormon, A Book From God

[vii]  Joseph Smith History Ch. 1:11-19

Understanding Your Spouse’s Sexual Love Language

WARNING: This post contains a topic of a sacred sexual nature and is intended for married couples only. Reader discretion is advised.

“How forcible are right words…” – Job 6:25

All of us have a preferred way of experiencing and expressing life and love. Do you know yours? How about your spouse’s?

Some are more visual than others. This means they learn better through seeing. They receive reassurance by being shown, and are sexually stimulated visually first. Arousal comes from seeing you undress, or doing an erotic dance, or doing sexual things to them while they look in a mirror or watch you.

Some are auditory. This means they relate best through hearing. They receive reassurance by being told and talked to. They are also sexually stimulated by being spoken to and/or hearing sounds that they associate with being aroused. These can be sounds of being told how attractive they are, sounds associated with sex, romantic music, or just being talked to or with.

Others are more kinesthetic by nature. These personalities need to touch. They receive reassurance through being held, or touched in some non-sexual way. They are also stimulated toward sexuality best through touch. They would consider their spouse stroking their genitals or other sexually sensitive part of their body as a romantic gesture.

Be aware that not everyone is exclusively one or the other. Most of us probably balance between two or more. But, chances are you will find they still lean towards one mode over the others.

How to determine which one your spouse leans towards?

Here is an easy test - based upon Gestalt therapy that was pioneered by Fritz Perls.

Ask your spouse what they remember about when you first met, or what they remember about your last sexually intimate encounter.

If they mostly look up while they are thinking, they are probably visual. If they mostly look to the side, they might be mostly auditory, and if they mostly look down while thinking, they could be primarily kinesthetic.

Once you determine your and your spouse’s particular ways of relating to others, you can experiment in ways to communicate with them that are deeper and more meaningful to them, and they with you.

For example: If they are visual, relate in terms of sight. Use phrases such as “I see what you mean” or “Let me show you what I would like you to do for me.”

If they are auditory, relate in terms of sound. Vary the tone of your voice to make it more pleasing. Use phrases such as “I hear what you’re saying” or “Let me tell you about this fantasy I have.”

If they are kinesthetic, they will prefer to experience touch or emotion first when relating to you. They may prefer you to relate in terms of feeling when you talk to them.

If they seem to be having a hard time understanding what you are trying to explain to them, you could say “I can feel how frustrated this must make you.” Or, if you are an auditory person and they talk the way you like to hear, you could say “I feel loved when you talk to me that way.”

“But to do good and to communicate forget not: for with such sacrifices God is well pleased.” – Hebrews 13:16

Creating good communication with your spouse can sometimes be a personal sacrifice. It means going out of your comfort zone to help them feel loved and cared for. Our marriages will grow and improve when we take the time and effort to make such a sacrifice. But, I believe God is pleased with our efforts, no matter how small they may be in the beginning.

Try this out with your spouse, and then let me know how it went. I would love to hear about your experiences.

MARRIAGE - PLAYING BY THE RULES

 “The Apostle Paul likened life to a race. To the Hebrews he urged, ‘Let us lay aside … the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us.

In our zeal, let us not overlook the sage counsel from Ecclesiastes: ‘The race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong.’ Actually, the prize belongs to him or her who endures to the end.”[1]

Twenty years of marriage has taught me that happiness in marriage is contingent upon putting all the principles of the gospel into practice. Marriage was created by God with Adam and Eve, and can only thrive when it’s done in the manner He has laid out.

It’s His game, and He made the rules. We choose either to play by the rules, or we’re playing at something else that isn’t as fun for everyone involved.

As we have passed through time, my wife and I have observed ourselves and our brothers and sisters and many of our friends begin their marriages with lots of excitement and anticipation. This is limerance in action[2], and it can be a good thing. Limerance is the initial power that gives a marriage its first exciting burst of energy to move forward.

Then, months or sometimes even years later, these same hopeful relationships explode, injuring or destroying everyone involved. Often the reasons given as to why the relationship ended (immorality, finances, anger, irreconcilable differences) aren’t the whole story.

The world of marriage can be like a minefield with a safe path down the middle.  Finding that safer path is not rocket science. The safe path is following the plain and simple principles found in the gospel.

You don’t have to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints to have a happy and successful marriage relationship in this life, but it’s in the gospel where we gain awareness of what it takes to accomplish that, and where we gain access to powerful tools that can help us.

It is only in the Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter-Day Saints, where the Lord’s priesthood power resides, there is a hope of extending relationships (with those we love) beyond our temporal existence.

If Marriage is a Game, These are the Rules…

When we follow the path God has laid out for marriage, utilizing such principles as:

• Faith in God and in our spouse,
• Repentance when we hurt our spouse (which we always will in mortality),
• charity and service to our spouse and allowing our spouse to serve us,
• forgiveness when our spouse hurts us (which they always will in mortality),
• facing and moving through fears and insecurities,
• moral cleanliness which saves our strength for our marriage relationship,
• temple marriage for time and eternity,
• humility to allow us to forgive and be forgiven,
• longsuffering in enduring inevitable challenges,
• hope that life will get better than it might be now,
• kindness in and out of the bedroom,
• love expressed verbally, physically, and frequently,
• standing in holy places so the Lord and our spouse can help us stay on the path,
• NOT standing in unholy places so the Lord and our spouse can trust us,
• scripture study to learn the rules and game strategy for ourselves and our family,
• family home evening which strengthens family bonds,
• daily prayer which anchors us to the Lord,
• and so on…

…then our marriages will pass safely through time and into the next life. They develop the habits that enable our marriages to grow and thrive, now and forever.

“I, the Lord, am bound when ye do what I say, but when ye do not what I say…”[3]

It’s when a couple holds to a temporal perspective, or they find such a path too boring, inconvenient, or restrictive, they then stray from the path by:

• living together before marriage, not trusting themselves to grow together sexually,
• engaging in intimacies before marriage that program mind and body to reduce inhibitions regarding extramarital sex,
• getting married outside of the temple and risking loss of essential eternal family links,
• having children before marriage and depriving those children of their rights and complete parental influences[4],
• committing adultery and dealing near-fatal spiritual wounds to all involved parties,
• harboring pride that prevents forgiveness and the Atonement’s healing,
• keeping secrets that prevent our spouse from knowing us and helping us to overcome our struggles and weaknesses,
• expressing selfishness that shrivels our souls, our sexuality and our progression,
• creating proximity, mental or emotional separations that strangle and weaken marital bonds and increase temptation to sin,
• forcing silence that starves our spouse from the intimacy they crave,
• holding grudges that bring daily pain to ourselves, and alienate our spouse
• exercising coercion that prevents growth and thwarts intimacy and love,
• and so on…

These other paths and rules lead to stepping on emotional mines. These mines blow up marriages entirely, or cause people to live in mutilated, unhappy, quasi-marriage relationships.

“If you have made no mistakes, then you do not need the Atonement. If you have made mistakes, and all of us have, whether minor or serious, then you have an enormous need to find out how they can be erased so that you are no longer in darkness.

“Jesus Christ is the light and the life of the world.  As we fix our gaze on His teachings, we will be guided to…spiritual safety.”[5]

But what if our mortal weaknesses pull us from the safe path despite our best efforts? What if we find a mine, and we become wounded in some way through our actions or our spouse’s?

The Lord provides a built in way back onto the safe path. It’s called repentance and forgiveness, through the Lord’s Atonement.

If we stray from the path, as long as we both repent, exercise humility, and get back in the game and play by the Lord’s rules, our marriages can ultimately endure the test of time and eternity.

Even if only one spouse decides to play by the rules, the entire situation can improve greatly for all. If our current relationship explodes despite our best efforts, playing by the Lord’s rules can protect us from permanent harm. It can keep us from perpetuating bad marital habits, and help us to find future marital success later with a spouse who also plays by the rules.

A blessing of being in the LDS church is that it reminds us frequently of the Lord’s eternal perspective. Having a marriage built upon the principles of the gospel has given us so much more to marriage than ‘til death us do part’.  Twenty years of marriage for me has been a drop in the bucket of eternity. What I discovered is that along with the marital growing pains, there has been a joy, and peace, and a hope for fairer playing weather tomorrow that the gospel brings.

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[1] Thomas Monson, “The Race of Life”, Ensign, May 2012

[2] The concept of limerance is explained in Joe Beam’s blog, “Choosing Between Lover or Spouse” in greater detail: http://www.marriagehelper.com/lover_or_spouse.php

[3] Doctrine & Covenants 82:10

[4] See Part II of “Protect the Children”, Dallin H. Oaks, Ensign, November 2012: http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/10/protect-the-children?lang=eng&media=audio

[5] Boyd K. Packer, “The Atonement”, Ensign, November 2012, emphasis added