marriage bed symbol

marriage bed symbol

Friday, April 18, 2014

Continue The Courtship Night (At Home) - 365 Questions

HAPPY CONTINUE-THE- COURTSHIP NIGHT!

Alright all you married lovers out there, here is your (couple on a budget with small children) date idea for this week.

After putting the kids to bed early, retire to your room, lock the door and take turns asking each other questions from the "365 Questions for Couples" book ISBN#978-1580620680 


As you've seen on my Facebook page, I promote "getting to know your spouse" a lot and this book is great for helping you grow closer as a couple. It has fun questions anywhere from "Who did you play with as a young child?" to "Do you believe we have a normal healthy sex life?" 

These are great conversation starters and (as you may already know) conversation is the strongest aphrodisiac around.

I've been able to find this book for  $0.25 at Amazon. Add a dash of kisses and a whole lot of heat and that's the recipe for making love.

Happy Dating!

 

Friday, April 11, 2014

Continue The Courtship Night (At Home) - The Fire Pit

HAPPY COURTSHIP NIGHT EVERYONE! 

Here's a cheap date tip for when you have small children and find it difficult to find a sitter (happens to all of us) - build a fire in your fire pit (you can make one for about $20 out of a metal washtub and 3 cinder blocks if you can't afford to buy an already assembled one), roast some meat and corn, break out the lawn chairs and your guitar and sing some songs together. Do it often - and that's the recipe for making love.

If you'd like something more permanent or have a little more to spend, check out this video for a clever idea. 

Happy Dating!


 

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

20 Reasons Why Husbands Love Wives



 Henny Youngman coined the phrase, “Take my wife…please.” It was an axiom that rewarded him with raucous laughter, made him famous on the Ed Sullivan show, and immortalized him.

Since that time, many comedians made wives and marriage the butt of their jokes. The media (which once produced shows that portrayed marriage as a positive, loving institution and a mainstay of society) found it more profitable to produce shows that denigrate and mock traditional marriage. They did this because it made people laugh. As most professional comedians will tell you, people like to laugh at irony.

The trouble is, when irony is shown often enough, it culturally conditions us to take it as truth over long exposure. Married couples today still look for opportunities to throw the piercing lines at each other used in shows like “Married With Children” and “The Goldbergs” because they think…well…it’s funny.

It has become part of our popular culture to refer to our wives as our “ball and chain” or “the old lady.”

They may think they are being funny, or that these are terms of endearment, but the reality is – it hurts. It’s selfish, and does nothing to edify a relationship that desires to be on the track to an eternal one.

Negative idioms have led many to believe that traditional marriage has lost its value…that married couples all spend their time mocking marriage and each other…that married sex is the end of good sex, and that all marriages will eventually end in divorce.

What I found is that when we turn off the sardonic voices and stand up to look around, we’ll find that this simply isn’t the voice of the majority. There are many husbands (not just newlyweds) who love, value, cherish, protect and care for their wives.

In just doing a quick Google search, I found many. Here is what just twenty different husbands are saying they love about their wives:

  1. She lets me have sex with her every once in a while ~ Punkly
  2. She is a great mom to our kids. ~ Don
  3. She honors her mother and mine. What husband doesn’t love that? ~ Jason F. Wright
  4. She thinks I look really good. I’m over weight and going bald, but from her perspective you’d think I look just like Brad Pitt. ~ Rob Shepherd
  5.  I love when she puts her feet on my lap while we are watching TV and asks me to rub them. ~ Eric Dingler
  6. …there would be this look she would give me.  This look of absolute love.  One that was soft and so beautiful. ~ Elad Nehorai
  7. She’s honest with me, even when it’s hard for me to hear. ~ Shawn Cartwright
  8. She is ALWAYS on my side. No matter what. ~ doompaul
  9. She’s a woman I get to admire up close while others can only admire her from afar. ~ Matt Keller
  10. Because she patiently listens to me blather on about theology and what-not (and usually looks interested). ~ Jared
  11. She is great about initiating the spiritual things when I forget to. ~ Matt
  12. She forgives me when I screw up ~ macengr
  13. …my constant cheerleader and my biggest fan. ~ Michael Hyatt
  14. Because she has not left me because I didn't take her somewhere nice for our honeymoon ~ Alex Tourangeau
  15. Holding her at night is a sacred ritual that makes my heart slow and body relax with the knowledge that I am home.~ Tom Matlack
  16. During tough times, she never gave up on us. ~ Tony
  17. She teaches my kids to love Jesus Christ—by word and example. ~ Nate Archer
  18. Feeling her hand unexpectedly on my shoulder. ~ Chris Brundage
  19. She is always willing to help someone in need. ~ TWJ
  20. There's an inner layer that keeps someone compelled for the rest of their life, enjoying the journey of discovering the rest of her. ~ Chad Parsons
We have the potential to be a powerful voice in letting the world know just how awesome it is to be married. Let’s start by telling our wives daily (in public and private) how much we love them.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

LDS Doctrine or Cultural Myth? Virgin Honeymoon = Perfect 1st Time Sex



The story we grow up with is that by saving yourself for sex until marriage, your first sexual experience on your wedding night will be more incredible than if you didn’t wait
“But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing…” – James 1:4
We live in a world that promotes instant gratification. If the exercise program hasn’t made us drop 30 pounds in a week, we become discouraged and give up. If our food takes longer than a minute to make in a restaurant, we become upset, and the waiter’s tip suffers. We’ll buy things on credit, instead of saving for the item we desire so badly first.
“A new self-centered generation has made the family a prime target of continuing belittlement. Marriage is downgraded or shunned, parenthood degraded and avoided. These, with other disturbing influences, have resulted in a torrent of evil temptations for so-called instant gratification and the demeaning of marriage and the sacred roles of wife and mother.”
~ Elder David B. Haight[i]
We may want to believe the rewards for righteousness are instant as well. They are not necessarily instant.

Would you marry your betrothed if you knew your wedding night sex would be disappointing? You may be surprised to learn that many people wouldn’t. Many are even terrified of the prospect of committing to a marriage only to be devastated that their wedding night sex may set the stage for a life of disillusionment in themselves or their spouse.

A lot of people do experience disappointment. Our single members who are living the gospel (as they should) are counseled to not place a lot of emphasis or focus on sex. If they do, they begin to encounter problems living the law of chastity. Focusing on sex while trying to keep chaste I imagine would be like trying to diet while reading full color cookbooks every day – sooner or later, your body will give into the constant food cues and blow your diet.

Many marry, and discover that wedding-night sex is different than what society portrays it to be. For a few it may be good. For most, it isn’t what they expected. Usually, it’s the women who are left wanting.

So if someone comes to their wedding night a virgin with only basic knowledge of sex and no experience, why would they expect fireworks their very first time? Any fireworks that may happen will be entirely due to innate talents and mutual attraction, not skills. Even the talented will only achieve a small level of success their first time, compared to where they could go over time.
“When people have good information, feel comfortable with their bodies, can communicate with a partner, and believe that sex is lovely, their virginity is not an obstacle on the wedding night.
But too often virgin-until-marriage also means enforced ignorance, unfamiliarity with the other gender, discomfort with one’s body, and a pile of taboos so high that people can barely see each other in bed….
To change this centuries-old problem, I propose that all cultures which emphasize pre-marital virginity redefine the wedding night---as the start of a couple’s sexual life together. That means the first night should primarily involve looking; the second, talking; the third, touching; the fourth, kissing; etc.
If it took God a week to create the world out of nothing, couples need at least that much time to create a sexual connection out of ignorance and inexperience.” – Dr. Marty Klein [ii]

Good sex is a skill to be learned, like any other skill. To play the piano, you need training, knowledge, and tons of practice. Imagine sitting down to the most skillfully crafted grand piano that has the potential to make breathtaking music, and approaching it as a player for the very first time ever in your life. 

Now imagine abandoning piano playing completely –even never looking at the instrument again because your first attempt at piano playing didn’t sound like a concert masterpiece. There was nothing wrong with the piano, it was the player’s unwillingness to commit to paying the price to learn to play.

To have good sex, you need training on what’s possible and appropriate to your specific situation. You need knowledge, not only of specific skills, but knowledge of each other’s bodies and preferences.

And you need tons and tons of regular practice. This is why eternal marriage sets the perfect stage to ditch worry and enjoy the journey.

Good sex is not something people are born knowing how to do well. We don’t have instincts like animals do. We might be able to figure out the basic mechanics of sex thanks to the strong sex drive God placed in us to bring us together, but good sex is a skill that needs practice and consideration and concentration and learning to improve like any other skill.

When it comes to sex, each person is unique in their likes and dislikes. Like any uniquely crafted instrument, each person requires time, patience, selflessness, and practice to learn how to get the metaphorical music just right.
“The courtesy and friendship the couple has shown during courtship are vital on their wedding night.
The first night requires nearly perfect courtesy, consideration, and, in many cases, a gentle sense of good humor.

They must be the very best of friends on this first occasion when they are able to begin to know one another completely. They may be ill at ease, even awkward, and would do well to smile at their awkwardness.

Each must remember that the other person is vulnerable to embarrassment.

And, they must realize that the greatest passions of marriage lie ahead, to increase over the years through experience and growth.” – A Parent’s Guide [iv] 

If you’re not very good at sex on your honeymoon, it’s not the end of the world, keep practicing. You’ll get better. The more you do it, the better you get. You have all eternity to get things right.

“It is important for us to understand, as we can learn from the scriptures, that God is eternal, that his creations are eternal, and that his truths are eternal. Therefore, when he gave Eve to Adam in marriage, that union would be eternal. Marriage as ordained of God and performed in his holy temples is eternal—not just until death.” ~ Elder N. Eldon Tanner[iii]
The concept is a cultural myth; not compatible with LDS doctrine.


[i] Elder David B. Haight, Marriage And Divorce, Apr. 1984 Gen. Conf
[ii] Dr. Marty Klein [ii], Ph.D., Psychology Today: Sexual Intelligence, Nov. 1, 2012, http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sexual-intelligence/201211/sympathy-wedding-night-virgins

[iii] Elder N. Eldon Tanner, Celestial Marriages and Eternal Families, Apr, 1980, Gen. Conf http://www.lds.org/general-conference/1980/04/celestial-marriages-and-eternal-families?lang=eng&query=pure+on+wedding+night

[iv]  A Parent’s Guide, Chapter Six, Mature Intimacy, Courtship and Marriage, http://www.lds.org/manual/a-parents-guide/chapter-6-mature-intimacy-courtship-and-marriage?lang=eng

Friday, December 27, 2013

LDS Doctrine or Cultural Myth? Finding ‘The One’/Being ‘The One’



“How do I know if I married my soul-mate?” “Did I marry the right person?” “If he/she is attracted to another person, does that mean I’m not the right one or they never really loved me?”

Are you familiar with these phrases romanticized for decades by our pop culture through song lyrics, poetry, movie and play dialogues?
  •  I only have eyes for you
  • You are  my one and only
  •  I won't marry until I find  my soul mate
  •  I could never love another man/woman
  • I don't want anyone else
  •  I want to be loved by you and nobody else but you
  • When he/she looks at me, he/she makes me feel like I'm the only man/woman in the room

President Spencer W. Kimball in a 1977 address at BYU said:

“’Soul-mates’ are fiction and an illusion; and while every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price.”[i]

Whether or not the right person was married, we are counseled that it’s more important to be the right person. In the end, were not going to be judged for how our spouse treated us, but for how we acted and reacted to our spouse and what effort we put into ensuring the success of our marriage.

The idea that one person can save a marriage single-handedly can be hazardous. For a marriage to be successful, happy, joyful, and one you wouldn’t mind being part of for all eternity, does require the consistent effort of both to be successful.

In the same talk, President Kimball also said “The selection before courting and then the continued courting after the marriage process are equally important, but not more important than the marriage itself, the success of which depends upon the two individuals—not upon one, but upon two.”

President Gordon B. Hinckley gave this counsel on how we can be the right spouse to our eternal companion:

“Be worthy of the mate you choose. Respect him or her. Give encouragement to him or her. Love your companion with all your heart. This will be the most important decision of y our life, the individual whom you marry…A good marriage requires time. It requires effort. You have to work at it. You have to cultivate it. You have to forgive and forget. You have to be absolutely loyal one to another.”[ii]

But what if your spouse is attracted to another person after you are married? Does that mean they never loved you?

There seems to be this idea that when a man or woman commits to a marriage or kneels at the altar, somehow a switch that flips on in a person’s brain that makes them incapable of being attracted to another living person – and, if this switch didn’t turn on then that person never “truly” loved you in the first place.

This is utter romantic nonsense. It is a fantastical fallacy concocted by romance novels, movies and television.

We are sexual beings. Our bodies are designed to procreate. As demonstrated by anthropologist Helen Fisher[iii] from the ends of our hair to the tips of our toes, our bodies are designed to detect (even on a very unconscious level) if a person is healthy, a good genetic match to create children with, and whether or not that person is ready to mate.

Elder Boyd K. Packer said:

 “As the procreative power matures in early manhood and womanhood there occurs, in a natural way, very personal feelings unlike any other physical experience. It is not without meaning that the process through which life is conceived should be accompanied by feelings of such depth and attraction that they draw the individual to seek a repetition of them.”[iv]

Those sexual mechanisms (which are designed to work with greater precision than the most finely tuned Swiss watch) are what drew your spouse to you and helped in their decision to marry you. Those mechanisms never turn off and are always alert to the signals and pheromones given off by the thousands of others that would also be a good genetic match.

Give each other some credit as each day, even each moment, when those powerful sexual mechanisms are activated, you can know that your spouse loves you because they constantly choose you again over other compatible mates.

Should one of you pass away, such feelings will enable the living spouse to find another marriage partner. And, as Elder Packer mentioned above, it is those powerful drives that keep them coming back to you.

If those drives were easy to handle, we wouldn’t need to be commanded and constantly reminded to live the law of chastity, avoid profane erotica, to not fornicate, and to not commit adultery.

Conversely, we are constantly reminded to turn those powerful feelings toward each other…to continually court each other in order to ensure those feelings for each other are always nourished and never die.

A loving, loyal, committed eternal marriage is a journey, not a destination. It’s a step taken into eternity, every single day of our lives.


[i] Kimball, President Spencer W., Oneness In Marriage, Mar 1977 Ensign
[ii] Hinckley, President Gordon B. , Life’s Obligations, Ensign, Feb. 1999
[iii] Dr. Helen Fisher, The Science of Sex Appeal, 2009, Incubator, Discovery Channel
[iv] Packer, Elder Boyd K., The Fountain Of Life, Things Of The Soul, pg. 105-17

Friday, November 29, 2013

How "Vanilla Sex" is Affecting You and Your Marriage



I was listening to some of the people writing into a recent Mark Gungor podcast, and it was heartbreaking to hear that some people were bored with “regular sex”, meaning penis-vagina intercourse. I’m amazed at how many people feel the need to constantly push the boundaries and venture into stranger and weirder sexual things with the belief system that  ‘vanilla sex’ is boring

The varieties of sexual experience mentioned on the show were extreme in nature, and were unlikely to give any pleasure to a person’s spouse. Imagine how exciting having sex with a person’s armpit would be, or many of the S&M practices such as piercing your spouse’s body with needles or giving each other electric shocks.

Some were downright dangerous, such as having sex with household appliances. There was an account of one man who had to be rescued by firefighters when he got his penis stuck in a toaster. How true this account is, I couldn’t say. But, if you interested, the article can be found at Huffington Post here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/08/penis-stuck-in-toaster-firefighters_n_4064927.html 

Between a husband and wife, sex moves away from the Law-of-Chastity rules for singles (no sexual activity with anyone except your spouse) and takes on guidelines that are more in line with the Word of Wisdom and Doctrine & Covenant 121:36-45. Even in marriage, we still have a responsibility to protect our body and the body and mind of our spouse.

As I mentioned, some of these paraphilia and sexual boundary pushing activities are dangerous. Some get injuries or infections from engaging in them.

The thing that disturbs me most is that many of the folks who feel a need to push these sexual boundaries are saying that “regular sex” is boring. I can’t imagine missionary- style sex ever getting boring.

A study run by Stuart Brody, Ph.D. of the University of the West of Scotland and published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine in 2009[i] set out to prove the hypothesis that all forms of sexual activity (including penile-vaginal intercourse, masturbation, and all other forms of non-coital sex) would give equal sexual satisfaction, as well as improve satisfaction in all areas of life.

They studied almost 3,000 people, and what he found was surprising.

The results of the study showed that penile-vaginal intercourse corresponded with the highest levels of satisfaction and highest level of reward chemical releases in the body, not only sexually, but in all other areas of life. Regular ‘vanilla sex’ made everything in life better.

Masturbation resulted in less satisfaction, both sexually and in all other areas of life, as reported by the people in the study. It made everything in life WORSE.

All other forms of non-coital sex showed some correlation with greater satisfaction, both sexually and otherwise, but did not compare to standard penile-vaginal ‘vanilla sex’.

Sometimes a desire for something other than intercourse comes from imprinting on something viewed or experimented with while single. Pornography (or what I refer to as ‘profane erotica’) creates this effect as a natural consequence. It leads to harder and harder practices of sexuality, because when we view it, it requires greater and greater quantities of stimulus to create the same chemical release in our brains.

If we find ourselves so bored by “regular sex” that we feel the need to do wilder and crazier things with our spouse, or want to try something our spouse is hesitant to try, it may be time to back off sex for a while. Give your body a rest.

The Hebrews of the Old Testament had a remedy for this – and I wrote an article about it.[ii]

If you’ve been eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for a while and it’s getting boring, try denying yourself food entirely for a time. That sandwich is going to taste pretty good again when you get back to it.

Our sexual desires work the same. Interestingly enough, our food appetites and sexual appetites originate from the same part of the brain.[iii]

I’m not saying that it’s not okay to experiment and try new things once in awhile. It certainly is okay.

However, I get concerned when a couple reports dissatisfaction with the act of regular intercourse itself. This is an especial concern when they begin practices that cause harm to their bodies to intensify the sensations and make sex more “exciting”.

Sexual intercourse can be the reliable base from which you can venture out into new territory from time to time to add spice and variety, but good old fashioned marital intercourse shouldn’t be replaced with other practices exclusively.

Just because you can have sex, doesn’t mean you have to all the time. Establish a reasonable, healthy schedule that works for both of you, and ‘run with patience the race set before us’[iv].

There’s no need to feel ashamed if you enjoy ‘vanilla sex’, or to feel inadequate in some way if you find yourself going back to it or preferring it. Scientifically speaking, and spiritually speaking, it’s the flavor you’re both going to get the most out of.



[i] Brody S and Weiss P. Simultaneous penile–vaginal intercourse orgasm is associated with satisfaction (sexual, life, partnership, and mental health). J Sex Med 2011;8:734–741, http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1743-6109.2010.02149.x/abstract

[iii] Gary Wilson and Marnia Robinson, Adjunct anatomy and physiology  faculty at Southern Oregon University  http://youtu.be/fxrG6QZ-G0M

[iv] Hebrews 12:1

Monday, November 18, 2013

Talking To Your LDS Teen About Masturbation. Answering The Question "WHY"?



Hi Coach Sam,

I stumbled upon your blog tonight while doing some research after a conversation with my … son.

Tonight my son tearfully confessed to me that he has been masturbating…, with the exception of the last six months, when he has "gotten it under control and made himself stop."  He told me that he was doing it because it helped him relieve stress.  But he also said that no matter how hard he tries, or what good things he does, he always has this awful feeling hanging over him that he is "bad."

I reacted by hugging him and expressing my unconditional love.  I told him that in most cultures besides our LDS one, teenage masturbation is considered completely normal and healthy.  I expressed my inner confusion between feeling that it is normal, and wanting to obey what the church tells us is morally clean.  I felt that it was a bonding conversation between the two of us.

I value my son's trust and will not tell a soul unless he gives me permission.

What should I do?  I want to help my son out of this overwhelming guilt and help him find ways to relieve stress (because he says he does not want to masturbate anymore.). But I don't feel like I am well enough equipped to do everything he might need.  This is a big deal; it will influence the way he feels about sex forever, and his self-esteem is being severely hurt by the strict rules the church has placed on his sexuality.

Any thoughts you have on this would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you,

Concerned mother


Thanks for your question, Concerned.

I’m glad your son trusted you enough to come forward and talk to you about such an intimately personal thing. I think you’re right not to violate that trust. At his age, finding someone he can discuss such a sensitive topic is very difficult and fragile. At this point, if it wasn’t for that trust in you, he may feel his only other option would be worldly resources.

I’m including a number of resources that go into greater detail on specific areas. You could use these resources to plan Family Home Evening lessons, or simply make your son aware of them so he can review them himself – whatever you feel works best for your situation.


I’m not sure from your email if he had seen his bishop or not. It sounds like he is making a valiant effort to repent, but if he still has overhanging guilt for this, he may not have confessed this to the Bishop.  Because it is a moral transgression, he won’t feel spiritually free from it until he gives it to the bishop[i].  In addition to what tools I will share with you below, his bishop may also have some loving guidance he can give to your son, and bishops are required to hold such confessions in confidence.

He has a desire to repent, which is always the best direction to go, and it may require repenting several times before he can fully overcome the habit. However, it seems you are both struggling with the ‘why’.

This is very common. We as an LDS culture don’t talk enough with our children about sex. The world is more than willing to talk about sex, so the messages we receive can be somewhat lopsided and confusing at times.

I also hear in talking with members that many blame the Church for their guilt; that the Church’s rules are too strict, and feel that they have to leave the Church to get away from guilt. At the same time, they don’t want to leave. Either they have a testimony, or they just don’t want to break ties with their social group or family circle or traditions.

Either way, they may still be searching for the ‘why’ of keeping the Lord’s law of chastity.

When we blame the Church, we’re shooting the messenger…because that’s all the organization of the Church is. They relay the message that God is trying to get through to us, and sometimes people blame the Church when they feel it’s too hard, or their self-esteem is suffering because they feel they can’t stop sinning or live up to what they think are the Lord’s expectations.

They want someone to tell them they are okay just as they are, and whatever they want to do will be “acceptable” in the end. Lehi experienced this in Jerusalem[ii], and with his sons Laman and Lemuel[iii]. Abinadi suffered death before he would retract the words God told him to say to Noah and his priests[iv]. Samuel the Lamanite experienced this resistance. Most prophets, old and new, have experienced this phenomenon.[v]

It’s all a distraction. The problem of low self-esteem, or feeling ‘bad’ for sinning, is literally in our heads. It’s in our cultural perspective, not in the doctrine. Why is this?

It’s not the Church, but the Lord, that lays down the standards we live by. [vi] Many people misunderstand that the Church is not “anti-sex”, but the Lord has given guidelines that will allow us to not only have happy sexual relationships, but have them for eternity.[vii] 

Sex is healthy, appropriate and even expected, but only in a legal and lawful heterosexual marriage situation. There is no other condition the Lord accepts as appropriate for sexual stimulation of any kind.[viii]

Your letter contains beliefs that both you and your son are laboring under, that I do not find supported by Church doctrine. They are beliefs that you may have picked up from myths existing within the wider culture.  Your son’s belief that he is ‘bad’, and that he feels guilty even after repenting for his sins is one of those beliefs.  He may also believe that he is flawed for having made a mistake and that flaw can’t be repaired. He may be telling himself that he’s blown it, and maybe he shouldn’t even try anymore.

I’m assuming this, of course, but I’ve heard similar beliefs like the one you shared in your email from others that run along similar lines.

Help your son understand that he is human. Being human means having powerful sexual desires. Making mistakes can sometimes happen as he learns how to govern those powerful emotions and appetites.

Also help him to understand that his body is not his enemy. It is his companion that he will walk with for eternity[ix]. The principles of the gospel teach us how to walk in harmony with our bodies, so that we can receive joy from our physical experiences without causing damage. It’s similar to building a fire.  Fire is only our enemy when we use it incorrectly. If we use fire in the right place and in the right way, it has a multitude of benefits for us.

If someone in their youth accidentally burned down their house, wouldn’t it be foolish for them to say “I will never go anywhere near fire ever again?” It would be more productive for that person to learn from their mistake and learn how to use fire properly and in a way that could benefit others instead of harm them. Yet, many cling to the narrow frame belief of all or nothing.

Sexual desires are among the most powerful emotions available to men and women, and the secular world would have us believe that men are weak creatures incapable of exercising sexual self-control. If we hold onto their narrow frame, we would believe that self-control is not possible so why fight it?

Perfection in every facet of your life is not possible in mortality.  If it were, those of us who were perfect would no longer need the gospel or the Atonement.

He can be grateful that his mistakes are small, and that he’s still sensitive enough to the Spirit to feel and acknowledge the correcting hand of chastisement (which is a very good thing).[x] Those who strive to avoid those guilt feelings for their sins put themselves beyond the reach of the influence of the Spirit, and are prone to make greater and greater mistakes over time.

He has to learn to say “no” to his body now when it wants to do immoral things. If he can’t say “no” now, he likely won’t have the resistance to say “no” after he gets married and greater moral temptations come.  And, as you and I both know, those temptations come.

I would advise you to teach him (or continue to teach him) about repentance and the Atonement.[xi]

Teach him how to repent.[xii] He’s already taken some of the first steps (felt the sorrow, and discontinued the practice).

He needs to read the scriptures and review recent Conference talks regularly, so he can receive counsel and guidance from the Lord for his situation. He needs to continue living the gospel, so that he is worthy to have the Spirit in his life. He needs to eliminate from his life those things that are triggering his habit.  He needs to confess this to his bishop if he has not already to remove any spiritual hooks that the adversary has in him.

He may fall back, and have to repent over and over again, before he finds the strength to stop completely. Some sins, especially those that are habits, are like that. Relapses aren’t a reason for giving up, or beating yourself up for your weakness. They’re a chance to evaluate what happened, perhaps figure out why the relapse occurred, and take steps to prevent a similar situation in the future.[xiii]

Darren Hardy, who wrote a book entitled The Compound Effect, teaches that it can sometimes take up to 300 relapses to break a bad habit and create a new one.

Continuing to repent is sanctifying. If he is wise, he will repent, every day, for the rest of his life, of one small thing or another. We all must.[xiv]

Is this a reason to feel bad about ourselves, that we sometimes can’t repent just once and be done with it ? Absolutely not. This is how we journey from one place to another. This is how we follow the gospel path, and how we learn and grow in our sexuality as well.[xv]

The Savior made his Atonement for us, so that we could repent in the first place. We are, in a very literal sense, giving our weaknesses to Him to carry when we repent. Even though we make mistakes, we are of infinite worth to God. The Savior helps us carry our heaviest burdens in this life, so that we can continue forward in our progression and have freedom from spiritual torment despite our mistakes and weaknesses. [xvi]

You, his mother, appear to have a limiting belief as well.  It appears your belief is that the Lord has given us the law of chastity, but you don’t yet quite understand why you live it. Part of you believes what the world says, that masturbation is a completely normal and universal human practice, with no ramifications whatsoever. Part of you wants to do what the Lord says is right, but it sounds like you’re still on the level of ‘I do it because God says to do it’.

That’s not a bad level to be on, but it’s not the strongest position to come from in teaching your children the difference between what is sacred, and what is profane or unholy.  Children really want to know the WHY. What is the practical application of this? What are the consequences if I do – and if the consequences are weak or optional, why shouldn’t I try it? Why is chastity so important when I want to experience these feelings so bad? Masturbation doesn’t involve anyone else. How could it possibly hurt anyone else?

Following the world’s counsel in this case would be an utter disaster, both for you and for your son. The world avoids applying any concept of what is sacred and what is profane. They don’t acknowledge how our sexual choices as singles can affect our future relationships.

The reason the world teaches that masturbation is normal and healthy is because they look only at the physical plane. On a physical level, nothing bad happens to your body. There are even a few studies here and there that show some physical benefits – lowered stress, a way of learning what you like and don’t like sexually, etc. This is particularly true when you first begin masturbating.

Good, right?

Wrong.

The world does not easily acknowledge what they cannot see with their physical eyes. The drawbacks of masturbation are primarily psychotropic, habitual, emotional and spiritual. Even if they never fully manifest as physical problems, masturbation will absolutely manifest in emotional and spiritual difficulties. Sometimes problems will manifest on a physical level as well, especially if the habit becomes particularly entrenched.

When we masturbate as a single person, we are creating a neural pathway in our brains. Every ejaculation [xvii] floods the brain with dopamine and other chemicals, which throw a hundred more tiny strands together and create a stronger neural pathway. Every time we repeat the behavior and release these reward chemicals in our brain, those pathways grow stronger and stronger.[xviii]

The brain is a very sophisticated organic computer. We can literally ‘program’ ourselves to repeat a certain behavior, until the habit becomes so strong that it reaches down into our subconscious mind and becomes part of our bodies’ autonomic systems (the part that controls systems we don’t even think about, like breathing and digestion).

The subconscious mind is more powerful than our conscious mind. We don’t have to think about when to breathe, or make our hearts beat. Once a habit becomes a habitual subconscious response, we’ve lost control of a portion of our agency. We may want to quit, but our minds and bodies go on automatic pilot and repeat the behavior every time we are triggered to do it.

I’ve had many people tell me “I kept telling myself I don’t want to do it and I will never do it again, but then found myself masturbating all the while telling myself I don’t want to be doing this.”

The body gains strength over the spirit through this practice, and this can then lead to greater sexual sins, including the use of profane sexual materials, or masturbating in public places, or experimentation with others outside of marriage,[xix] when not repented of early.

In addition, masturbation separates us from God, and makes us unworthy to have the Holy Ghost (another consequence not physically manifest), which is why those young men and women who have this habit are not allowed to serve full-time missions for the Church. If a missionary can’t master his body in this way, he can’t have the Lord’s Spirit, and if he doesn’t have the Spirit, he can’t effectively teach investigators.

I have first-hand experience of this from my own mission. When the Spirit is not there, things don’t flow. You just stumble and struggle through a lesson. I’ve seen elders run to the mission president to confess because the weight of that burden was so great they would gladly face the potential humiliation just to be free from the weight of their transgression. Many were sent home in dishonor, and did it gladly just to feel the peace of the Spirit once again.  I would spare your son from this by encouraging him to make it his goal to rid his life of masturbation now.

Virginity is a very precious thing. Not enough people realize how fragile and critical our first sexual experience is.  We understand in part how powerful it is, but not fully. When a person has their first sexual experience, the brain associates sex with all of the individual’s feeling, surroundings and context.

It’s a lot like a baby bird, seeing its mother for the first time and imprinting on the mother. The bird will imprint as its mother the first living thing it sees when it is born.  Sometimes the bird imprints on another kind of animal, or even a human, and then it will associate that animal or human with ‘mother’.

The sexual part of our brain does the same. The hippocampus does not discriminate between what is right or wrong or ideal or between what is real or imaginary[xx].  If we have sex outside of marriage (this includes masturbation), our brains take mental pictures of everything around us and associates the surroundings and context as ‘sex’. Your son’s masturbation was programming his brain to associate ‘sex’, not with ‘marriage’, not with ‘love’, not with ‘wife’, but with his hand.[xxi]

Masturbation is not necessary to either life or health. No one has ever died from a failure to ejaculate. For a sexual relationship to be healthy, it is optimal when a husband’s body is accustomed to using his wife’s vagina instead of his hand to have sex. [xxii]

This habit can interfere with the process of a person finding a boyfriend or girlfriend, or a husband or wife. When they do marry, if their masturbation habit is strong, they may find themselves unable to sexually perform properly with their spouse, or find themselves preferring masturbation to sexual intercourse. At this point, the habit can prevent a relationship from thriving.

Masturbation, especially in relationship with profane erotica, can make it difficult to establish a healthy sexual relationship with a live person, and can even result in eventual erectile dysfunction. [xxiii]

Masturbation itself, at its best, can only be a hollow shadow of actual intercourse. It only stimulates a small part of your physical body, while the rest of you (the whole body is a sexual organ) remains untouched and unfulfilled- sexually starving. It results in a few notes of ejaculation, but not the full symphony of orgasm with the person you love, who is committed to you body and soul for an eternal journey.

For that, we must be married in the way the Lord approves AND live according to gospel principles in our homes. No other combination of sexual lifestyles or practices creates that same experience. Masturbation is a cheap and temporary trade-off, and we lose the greater reward when we make that indulgence.[xxiv]

The Bible tells the story of Esau and Jacob. Esau came home hungry one day, and told his brother he would trade his birthright for a small bowl of food right now. How many of us are like this sexually? How many of us trade away our chance to be with our spouse for eternity, in perfected physical bodies, and to have our eternal increase as the sands of the sea, for a few minutes of immoral mortal pleasure right now? [xxv]

That doesn’t mean we should never masturbate, ever, under any circumstances. Mutual masturbation (two people stimulating each other’s genitals) is an acceptable foreplay practice in marriage - for those who enjoy it - but not an acceptable practice for people who are single.

When singles masturbate, they use up their sexual and moral strength, leaving little remaining for their future spouse. It’s a selfish activity.  It’s an activity done purely for personal gratification, which does not help us to become more like our Father in Heaven. It does not serve anyone else, and does not build a relationship with anyone except ourselves.[xxvi] That kind of relationship often leads to an individual hating themselves.

I have compiled some tips to help him deal with stress without masturbating. This is the advice I successfully used as a youth and it has also helped my own boys:

  •   Encourage him to realize what he’s doing when he masturbates – bonding to his hand instead of his future spouse – spending his sexual energy and moral confidence before he’s married – creating sexual problems  that will possibly rob himself and his future  bride of a happy and fulfilling sex life.


  •   Encourage him to cut down on TV and Internet time. Watching videos or Netflix is better than streaming cable – he’ll have more control over what he watches. It will help keep him from being bombarded constantly with sexual images.

  •  Each tiny suggestion or flash of sex from TV, music or any media causes an explosion of sexual response chemicals in the brain and urges the body’s reproductive system to react, whether we’re consciously aware this is happening or not. The control center (or decision-making center of our brain) takes 2.5 seconds (each hit) to decide not to act on the stimuli and recover from the stimuli physiologically. If you’re getting a lot of suggestions or flashes, recovery time takes longer and longer, until the brain and body take over and simply respond to sexual stimuli as they’re programmed to do. If you’re masturbating, the body will react in this manner.  Keep away from sexually suggestive material when you’re single.[xxvii]

  • If he’s in his head a lot or has a lot of free time on his hands, tell him to get into his body on a more regular basis so it can express some of that sexual energy constructively. Find some physical work to do that he enjoys- doing chores, working a part-time job, working out, doing sports, or doing service projects for others. Stay busy.

  • Read and live the guidelines in the For The Strength of Youth – especially not talking or joking with friends about sexual things (again, remember the 2.5 seconds of recovery for each stimuli he encounters…)

  •  Fasting is particularly good for those times he may feel out of control. It’s a great, quick way to weaken the body’s hold on the spirit, and reassert the spirit’s dominance. This has been proven to help male missionaries (who have had a masturbation problem before their mission) to not masturbate on their mission. They were able to not only go two years without it, but broke the habit altogether.

  • It would be good for him to spend time with the missionaries, if he’s getting close to the age of service himself. The Spirit they carry with them will strengthen his resolve to follow the Lord.

  • Help him find ways to change his focus when he finds himself dwelling on sexual thoughts - hymn singing, cold showers….he’ll need to experiment and find techniques that work for him. He could make a note in a journal of what worked and what didn’t.

  • Every time he manages to head off a relapse, have him celebrate his successes in moving toward self-control. Perhaps he could count the days (or months) he’s able to keep himself under control, until it’s been months and months and even years.  It usually takes about 6 months going cold turkey to break the habit.

  •  (for you, Mom) The parents’ home should (ideally) be a temple and refuge the children can feel safe to escape from the influences of the world. You, however, are having sex, and he is not. He is liable to be more sensitive to such influences than you or your husband, so enlist his help. If something comes in the house that causes him to struggle, have your son tell you, so you can take steps to make home feel like a safe place again.

The Lord gave us the gift of sex, and He has the right to put requirements on it. Ultimately, He wants to know He can trust us to stay within the bounds He’s given us. When there’s no trust, there’s no blessing.[xxviii]

If he wants to go on a mission, he has to meet the requirements the Lord gives (not the Church – remember, the Church is only the messenger). If he wants a marriage that is truly happy, instead of one that only looks happy for the neighbors, he has to do what’s required to achieve that result.

If he wants to feel worthy to enter the temple, or worthy to receive eternal life, there are requirements to meet. No, he won’t be perfect, but perfection is not required…only consistent, honest effort. The Lord makes up for the rest, through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.[xxix]

Remember the goal, and the goal has to be his. If it’s yours or someone else’s, he’ll fail. If it’s his, he’ll succeed every time. Those the Lord can trust will be blessed with perfect relationships, in perfected bodies, and children – in short, exactly what the Father now enjoys. Those who can’t be trusted will lose that privilege for eternity.[xxx] They will be allowed to repent and return to the Father’s presence eventually, but they will lose a lot of what they could have had along the way.

A powerful example of this is in the story of the Prodigal Son. The son took his inheritance, and spent it until there was nothing left. Eventually he desired to come home, even if he could only be a servant – anything was better than the result he had created through his foolish actions.

The father rejoiced and welcomed the prodigal back into his presence, but the boy had already squandered his birthright. His was a repentance that came too late to fully overcome the natural consequences of his actions. He couldn’t fully recover what he had lost, but he was still welcomed home with joy. The oldest son on the other hand - the one who had been faithful all along - would inherit all his Father had. [xxxi]

Does that mean it’s too late for your son to repent and receive this promise someday? Are his sins of such a nature that natural consequences will prevent him from full repentance and a full restoration of eternal blessings? Of course not, he’s still alive. His sin is still very small. He wants to change. There’s every reason to rejoice in his situation.

You could tell him you love him and that repentance isn’t a scary thing, or a reason to feel ashamed. The Lord pleads with us to do it and do it daily. Encourage him to repent of all his small sins every day, and he’ll win the prize he’s seeking. That’s what we all should do. [xxxii]

Teach him to do what the Lord requires in this regard.[xxxiii]

May I also suggest speaking about sex in a positive context? Let him know that sex is awesome and that he will be allowed to have sex and in lots of different ways with his wife. He just needs to know that in order for it to be fulfilling, joyful and lasting it needs to be in marriage. If these are not your feelings, you will need to explore why that is, and think about what you can do to improve your situation for him.

Please pray about what I’ve suggested, so that you can know for yourself how to apply any or all of this for your situation. I can only offer suggestions…ultimately the stewardship of your son belongs to you and your husband. I wish your family every happiness in the future, and if you have any other questions, I will always do my best to help however I can.

Sincerely,

Sam Zaragoza
LDS Marital Intimacy Coach




[i] Kimball, Spencer W., President Kimball Speaks Out On Morality, Oct. 1980, LDS General Conference
[ii] 1 Ne. 1:20
[iii] 1 Ne. 16: 37-38
[iv] Mosiah 12:26-30 & Mosiah 17: 6-12
[v] 1 Ne. 16: 1-4
[vi] D&C 1:38
[vii] D&C 130:1-4
[viii] “The means by which mortal life is created is divinely appointed. “The first commandment … God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife” (Ensign or Liahona, Nov. 2010, 129). The commandment to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force today. Thus, marriage between a man and a woman is the authorized channel through which premortal spirits enter mortality. Complete sexual abstinence before marriage and total fidelity within marriage protect the sanctity of this sacred channel.” – David Bednar, “We Believe in Being Chaste”, Ensign, May 2013.
[ix] Alma 40:23
[x] Heb. 12:6
[xi] D&C 19

[xiii] “The Savior Wants to Forgive, Elder Craig Cardon, April 2013 Conference, http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/04/the-savior-wants-to-forgive?lang=eng&media=video#watch=video

[xiv] The Divine Gift of Repentance, Elder D. Todd Christofferson, Oct 2011 Conference, http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/10/the-divine-gift-of-repentance?lang=eng

[xv]  A Matter of a Few Degrees, Elder Dieter Uchtdorf, April 2008 Conference, http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2008/04/a-matter-of-a-few-degrees?lang=eng

[xvi] The Atonement, Boyd K. Packer, October 2012 Conference; http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/10/the-atonement


[xvii] I’m speaking of both men and women here – both can experience a sexual release which is often mistaken as an orgasm. It is an ejaculation, which is a different process that creates a different response in the brain and body.
[xviii] A good book to read in this regard, with some fascinating case studies, is The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg.

[xix] Zahedi, Caveh, I Am A Sex Addict, IFC Films, 2006
[xx] Glenn, David, Beginner To Advanced NLP Hypnotherapy Psychology, Amazon Digital Services, Inc., Jan,30, 2013
[xxi] Another Christian marriage counselor I recommend to people, Mark Gungor, has this to say about masturbation: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EN_oPBU4NMY

[xxii] For additional information on lust and masturbation, counselor Mark Gungor expounds on these topics on his 9/16/2013 podcast for further information - adults only show: http://www.markgungorshow.com/show/tag/masturbation


[xxiii] A TED talk called ‘The Great Porn Experiment’ by Gary Wilson speaks more to the issues that can arise from excessive masturbation, particularly when used with profane erotica: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU

[xxiv] Gungor, Mark, Mark Gungor Show, Sept, 30,2013, http://www.markgungorshow.com/?powerpress_pinw=7603-videopodcast

[xxv] Continue in Patience, Dieter Uchtdorf, April 2010 Conference, http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/04/continue-in-patience?lang=eng
[xxvii] Griskevicius, Vladas – University of Minnesota,  The Science of Lust, Incubator,  Discovery Communications LLC, 13, Feb, 2011
[xxviii]  D&C 82:10

[xxix]  Matthew 11:28

[xxx] Doctrine & Covenants 84
[xxxi] Luke 15: 11 – 32


[xxxii] Alma 34:32