WARNING: This post contains a topic of a sacred sexual nature and is intended for married couples only. Reader discretion is advised.
This blog is a continuation of a reader question found in Part One. Part Two and Part Three are available here. Today we're discussing another concern that may arise when considering the use of sex toys in a marriage:
My spouse may think I’m watching profane erotica, or addicted to profane erotica, if I suggest sex toys.
Using sex toys does not mean you are addicted to pornography (what I more accurately call profane erotica). I’ve not found anything of substance to support the idea that sex toys lead to the use of profane erotica. When used appropriately, they can in fact be a very useful aid to intimacy and procreation, which I will discuss later.
If you fear bringing up the idea to your spouse, that’s a separate communication skill issue that can be addressed. Couples should feel safe and be friends enough to suggest something they’d like to try sexually, and discuss the possibility together without feeling fear of being judged or demeaned.
Dismissing an idea your spouse introduces can’t be done casually. Accusing a spouse of profane erotica use because they’re interested in trying out a sex toy or other sexual aid is an unfounded accusation. If one spouse has concerns, agree together that such concerns should be openly addressed and considered.
“No” may not always mean no. Sometimes a spouse just needs time to think about and warm up to the idea. Cultural ideas need to be examined in the light of day in order to be reconsidered, so give it time.
Brethren, if the idea is yours to share, may I suggest not dumping the idea on her as a “we’re going to do this.” Tell her, “There is something I’d like to try” and what it is. Give her a day or two to think about it. Allow her to think about and discuss the pros and cons. Remember, it may be her body you are introducing the sex toy into or on to. She wants to know it’s safe and moral to use.
Given an ultimatum in a decision with no time to think about it, anyone would say “no”. Always give her a way out, with respect, and mean it. For example “If you don’t like it, or it’s uncomfortable at all, we’ll stop and I’ll get rid of it. I won’t be upset about the money. It’s supposed to be fun, and if it’s not fun, we won’t do it. Thank you for letting us try.” Sisters can introduce this idea to husbands in the same way.
Both men and women are sexual creatures, with strong sexual desires. This sexual drive in and of itself is not perverted or wrong in any way – God placed those desires within us so we would be motivated to marry, have children, and wish to be close to each other for all eternity. These are good and righteous desires.[i] Within marriage, we have the right to explore sexual possibilities and learn all we can about what’s available to us.
Sexuality does not belong to singles, or to those who make or participate in profane erotica, just because the world thinks it does. As a married couple, sex is your sacred birthright and a righteous rite within a marriage covenant. Just remember that your spouse’s body is still a temple and should be respected and protected. If the pleasure can’t be obtained without harming one or both of you in body or mind, it’s not worth it.
[i] “The desire to mate in humankind is constant and very strong. Our happiness in mortal life, our joy and exaltation are dependent upon how we respond to these persistent, compelling physical desires.” – Boyd K. Packer, “The Plan of Happiness’, Ensign, May 2015